The rhyme for "regrets" and "cigarettes" didn't work properly, "regrets" doesn't roll roll off the tongue very easily after cellophane, so that bit felt odd. In the 3rd stanza, sentimental seems squashed into the flow, which also irked me.
Otherwise, it was pretty good. Played a few times on cliches, which I like if done well. But the down-to-earth tone, slang and that made it more interesting than it might have ended up ie. another empty rhyming poem. So it kept my attention for a while, but there was no real connection.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
Cellophane regrets. Very nice. I don't like "that" at the beginning of that line, and some of the poem didn't seem to flow very well, but you played with imagery well-fried faces, cellophane regrets. "For they have no eyes to watch their peers" seemed kind of chilling. I liked this a lot.
