They would be sorry

A story for beckiw's inspiration contest. I'm sorry if it isn't good, I just haven't been thinking clearly lately xD

Hope you enjoy it none the less and tear it up!!


Thanks!
-Irish

They would be sorry. They would regret the fact that they ever doubted my power.

I walked toward the woods, the early morning sun shining through the trees, glinting off the pure white snow and giving the old wood an eerie bewitching charm. I smiled, I liked the feeling of it.

A low, moss covered stone wall ran around the wood, winding its way around to a small wooden gate, half of its hinges; a pitiful attempt to keep out wandering damsels and unsuspecting travelers.

I walked up to the gate and opened it slowly, thinking about how he would react to them refusing to add me to the Council. He would not be pleased but my own rage over the entire ordeal overrided my fear of being punished for failing.

The snow crunched under my boots as I walked toward the small clearing in the middle of the wood, I pulled my matching scarlet cloak closer around my shoulders.

Stepping into the clearing the warmth from the sun rained on me and lightened my mood some. A few seconds later I heard the music of his arrival. A low, ominous hiss.

I stood up straight and didn’t dare look when the glint of his body in the early sun glanced into my vision.

“How did it go, Saraeth?” He lulled quietly, inching his way toward me.

I swallowed, “Not well, I’m afraid. Master, they refused to allow me onto the Council, they said they would not allow a woman to rule over the magic of this land.”

He stopped at my feet and began his decent up my blood red skirt slowly; the feeling of his travel was hypnotizing.

“Well, that won’t do at all,” he said.

I frowned; there was no rage in his voice, just the peaceful tranquility of someone deep in thought. I decided to be bold.

“What are you planning to do, Master?”

He was on my shoulder now, coming across the back of my neck, his cold skin making me shiver. His tongue flickered against on my ear as he thought about my question.

“I think, we should show them their loss,” he said after a moment, “They are only afraid that you are more powerful than they. They cannot fathom the fact that they could be surpassed by a woman.”

I frowned, my anger suddenly starting to boil up in me once more. Were they truly so shallow that they would not allow me to take a job of utter importance to the country because I might be better than them? Master's slow lulling voice showed its hidden truth.

“What shall we do then, Master?” I asked as his head lifted and looked over my face.

“You shall go to them again, Saraeth, and this time, you shall show them no mercy in showing them just how powerful you are, and that you are not to be refused. Return to them with the name of The Sorceress Saraeth, Lady of the Snake, for I will be with you as a symbol of your might, and they will have no choice but to make you head of the Council.” He said, beginning to laugh at his own genius.

I felt pride swell in my chest at the thought of becoming the head of the Council with Master by my side. It was a brilliant idea to bring him, a being of his great size and strength to prove my worth. It seemed too perfect, and I found myself laughing as well.

With Master coiled lightly around my shoulders, I set off again back to the moss-covered wall and gate, back to the capital, back to the castle, and back to the Council, to show them just how big of a wrong they had commited.

Hello, Irish!

Firstly, let's look at the title you have. To be honest, it's not very interesting, and I can imagine it's just an emergency solution. As in, you just had to name it something so you could get it posted. And it's all very fine, and it's a thousand times better title than "Untitled", but I think that now that you have time to edit before the contest's deadline, you could come up with another title.

I smiled, I liked it.

You could possibly define a little – what does she like? The woods? The weather?

A low, eerie hiss.

Eerie is a lovely word. I like it a lot, but you have already used it earlier in this story. It's one of those words that can shine properly only when they're alone. I mean, if you use a word a lot, it suddenly becomes flat and loses its spark. This is what I feel happened now. I would suggest replacing the other eerie with something else.

I squared my shoulders

This sounds a little odd. It might be a real saying, but I just haven't heard it before and I'm not completely sure of how one squares their shoulders.

Master slow lulling voice showed its hidden truth.

You must be missing something here.


One thing you do a lot: You miss the punctuation in dialogue. I'm not talking about formatting the dialogue with the quotation marks and all, but this:

"How did it go Saraeth?"

vs.

"How did it go, Saraeth?"

You do the former one, when instead you should be doing the latter one. The problem is present in all of the dialogue bits you had in this story, so I don't think it's just a typo.


Other things: The whole time I was reading, I sort of kept waiting for the story to start... I mean, in the end, not a lot happens in it, even though the setting and the characters are quite unusual. I like the certain feeling of suspense you have in the ending, but that alone doesn't make a story. It seems like you let description do the most work in this. I don't know if it's what Becks is looking for in her contest, but I think you could have a little more action in it.

But in the end, the most important thing is that you got the inspiration and wrote something based on it. I believe it was the main purpose of the contest, and with that in mind, you can be proud of what you have! Good luck for the contest!


Demeter
x

Yola Irish!

Before I continue, everything Demeter said was spot-on, so listen to all of her nit-picks and notes. That way I don't have to repeat them!

I smiled, I liked the feeling of it.

In addition to elaborating what exactly "it" is that your MC likes, that comma needs to be a semi-colon, or it's a comma splice.

A low, moss covered stone wall ran around the wood, winding its way around to a small wooden gate, half of its hinges;

Is there a word missing here? I don't quite understand that last part. You have some sentences like this throughout the story that seem incomplete-- make sure to re-read and proof-read your work.

He would not be pleased but my own rage over the entire ordeal overrided my fear of being punished for failing.

Overrided isn't a word, dear. Try "overrode" instead. Also, the introduction of this suspicious 'he' is rather abrupt. I understand the ominous feel you might be going for, but it just made me wonder if I missed something. Try introducing this 'he' a bit more fully, instead of just saying he wouldn't be pleased.

He stopped at my feet and began his decent up my blood red skirt slowly; the feeling of his travel was hypnotizing.

Firstly: decent = descent, I think. But then, a descent means to go down, not up as you say. I'm not sure, again, what this sentence is supposed to mean. Is the Master a snake, slithering up from her shoes, up her skirt (weird image, by the way) and to her shoulder? If so, the word is ascent. This needs to be clarified.

All in all, you have nice, clean, fresh prose, but you have to check over your story before submitting it to catch the little inconsistencies. One, lack of semi-colons. I have a tutorial on that in the KB, if you want to brush up on semi-colons and when you use them. Also, forgetting or adding words during sentences.

And, as Demi said, this story's conflict is a little subdued. I'm not saying it has no conflict at all-- because it does: Saraeth being denied the council seat --but that isn't enough to provide enough driving force to make this a really developed story. It feels more like a flash taken from a larger novel, and I'm not sure how well it's going to be able to stand alone.

My favorite thing about this, however, was how subtly you managed the fact that the Master was really a snake. You never went out and said it, but using words like "hiss" and the part about light glinting from his body, you still made it clear. Kudos!

All in all, a solid story that needs a bit more substance to stand alone. Best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi