Your Eyes

MESSAGE FROM MIDNIGHT...SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE FIRST POST (WITH THE POEM SO GO DOWN TO MY MESSAGE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POST FOR NOW WITH THE POEM UNTILL IT HAS BEEN REPOSTED)


wow, that was really good. I loved it. I wouldnt suggest any changes.[/b]

Wow, this was great! I love how you've invented a format. Free verse really suits you!

Few things:

You like all others start as a lovable baby.

I think you need a comma after you, and maybe after others to make this more understandable. It works well enough without, though, so just think about it.

Your eyes
Are now full of wild mischief,
Jumping with much-wanted fun
As you push off the stairs your baby brother,
They are filled with anything but care.
They are hungry for more similar fun.
You are a promising imp.

Ahem.. You said fun twice. If you replaced the second fun with amusment, that would sound better. Amusment isn't the only thing that works, though. There are plenty of other synonyms.

this is my first ever free-verse. do tell me if i'm any good at this and where my mistakes are.
i think i've posted this in the wrong section, sorry everyone. this actually belongs to the Dramatic section, right?

Your eyes
Are now small and watery,
Bubbling with energy and excitement,
As you take you very first step.
They are pure and innocent-for the first and last time.
They are full of mirth and joy.
You like all others start as a lovable baby.

Your eyes
Are now full of wild mischief,
Jumping with much-wanted fun
As you push off the stairs your baby brother,
They are filled with anything but care.
They are hungry for more similar fun.
You are a promising imp.

Your eyes
Are now darting this way and that,
As you cheat from your best friend’s paper,
They know nothing but the tricks of cheating.
They are cunningly trained to suit.
You are an ever-growing cheat.

In this stanza, the over-use of the word cheat is a little distracting.

They have no mercy for the person you’re about to expire.
You are a best friend-killer.

^^^^ My favorites! Awesome image!

Mirroring all of your pat sinful deeds
As you stand beside the Devil himself,
They are gleaming with pride as the Devil praises you.

You might want to replace the second 'the Devil' with just 'he', and pat is suposed to be past, right?

Great job, Sohini!!!

THANK YOU ALL(THE 2 OF U ANYWAY.)
MY FREE VERSE WORKS!!

I happen to really love free verse. It's refreshing when poetry doesn't have to be constrained by rhyme or meter, but can just BE what it was intended to BE, it can remain itself as a whole and original idea.

As to your poem, I thought it was marvelous. I love the progression from innocent childhood eyes to a gleam of pride as the Devil celebrates his sins. Wonderful!

the original poem

this is my first ever free-verse. do tell me if i'm any good at this and where my mistakes are.
i think i've posted this in the wrong section, sorry everyone. this actually belongs to the Dramatic section, right?

Your eyes
Are now small and watery,
Bubbling with energy and excitement,
As you take you very first step.
They are pure and innocent-for the first and last time.
They are full of mirth and joy.
You like all others start as a lovable baby.

Your eyes
Are now full of wild mischief,
Jumping with much-wanted fun
As you push off the stairs your baby brother,
They are filled with anything but care.
They are hungry for more similar fun.
You are a promising imp.

Your eyes
Are now darting this way and that,
As you cheat from your best friend’s paper,
They know nothing but the tricks of cheating.
They are cunningly trained to suit.
You are an ever-growing cheat.
They have no mercy for the person you’re about to expire.
You are a best friend-killer.


Mirroring all of your pat sinful deeds
As you stand beside the Devil himself,
They are gleaming with pride as the Devil praises you.

Great work. The format is cool, and it was short and to the point! Liked It.