Adjusting to the Dark- Prologue (1st draft)

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It's been a long time since I've posted, but I'm sure some of you will recognize this character. For some reason, I'm too stubborn to give up on him. Hope you like it! :)


Prologue
Never take what you have for granted,
Things can change in an instant.


Location: Nita’s capital city.
Time: 20:15 PM
The accident that would change their lives would happen in less than five minutes.
“Mom?” Eight-year-old Kevin says from the backseat.
“Yes, what is it darling?” Lilica asks. She turns to look at him.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise,” Lilica smiles at her son’s dismayed look “we’ll be there soon.”
“Okay,” Kevin looks out the window for a moment. “Now can you tell me?”
Lilica laughs. She has a beautiful laugh, soft and sweet. It could make anyone around her feel happy.
Tyrus glances over from where he’s driving. Lilica has stunning, straight blond hair and the deepest blue eyes he had ever seen in his life.
She is beautiful. But that wasn’t why Tyrus had fallen in love with her; she is the sweetest person on the planet in his opinion. They had met in college and never drifted apart. Now they were married and had a wonderful son, who matched Lilica’s hair and eyes.
Tyrus looks back out the windshield. Life was good; he had an amazing family and was looking forward to the upcoming years.
Lilica leans over to Tyrus.
“He’s going to be so excited,” She says quietly, excitement edges her voice.
Tyrus nods. He had been a little reluctant at first about getting a dog. Keeping a pet is different in outer space. He hoped Kevin would be responsible with it.
He begins to turn the hover car off the main speedway. The back road was the quickest way to get to the pet store. The hover car settles in to a steady hum and Tyrus leans back in his seat. Driving was relaxing for him. It was one of the few things he was good at.
Below them, the city’s night-time lights blur softly. It had been dark like this all day, but that was because of planet Nita’s size. It was a few times bigger than Earth so each day was twenty-four hours. Humans need sleep about every twelve hours, so that was why every other day was a night-day. Once you got used to it, it felt no different than a day on Earth. Unfortunately, the way Tyrus lived his days was about to change.

Up ahead a small craft sits on top of a building. Two men wait inside. The dash has radar on it and it is bleeping a small dot- the car that Lilica, Tyrus, and Kevin are in.
One of the men, whose name is Scrape, is holding a pair of binoculars, the other, Talon, has his hand on the craft’s trigger.
“Here it comes.” Scrape says.
Talon’s thumb hovered over the button.
“Steady . . .” Scrape holds his hand up.
The hover car comes around the corner.
“Steady . . .”
Now it’s right under them.
“Fire!” Scrape drops his hand like a flagman at a race track.
Talon’s thumb slams into the button and the craft jerks as it fires a powerful laser shot. It hit’s the target perfectly; right up the engine’s exhaust.
They watch as the ship careens and spins right into the corner of a building. It lands on the ledge and slides to a stop.
Scrape picks up the radio transmitter. “Got ‘em” He says.
Talon can’t take his eyes off the wreck he just caused. This is his first mission and he feels both exhilarated and sickened at this.
Scrape starts the craft and they lift off. They fly over to the hover car lays on its roof, and set down next to it.
Scrape opens the door and steps out. His boots crunch on the broken glass as he makes his way over.
Talon grabs the jack from their trunk and follows.
“The boy is here,” Scrape stands in front of what used to be the left back window.
Talon places the device under the roof and starts jacking the vehicle up.
When it is up enough, Scrape grabs Kevin’s arm and carefully slides him out. The boy is unconscious; his head has a nasty cut on it. The hover car is smoking, now flames begin to spark up in the engine.
Scrape begins to haul Tyrus out too.
“What are you doing?” Talon asks. He’s holding Kevin’s head off the ground.
“The parents must live, that was our orders,” Scrape replies, one last heave and Tyrus is out and away from the burning vehicle.
“Why? I thought we were just here for the boy,” Talon says.
“I do not question orders, you should be more . . .” Scrape’s voice trails off. Sirens can be heard in the distance. “We have to go. Get the jack.” Scrape jumps up and, being the stronger of the two, scoops up Kevin. Talon quickly yanks the jack out and runs after him.
Scrape sets Kevin in the back out of sight and jumps into his seat in the cockpit.
Talon leaps in and closes the back doors of the craft.
“Go! Go! Go!” He shouts.
Scrape throttles the gas and the ship lurches into the air. They disappear around a building just as the police cars come into sight.
Once the two are certain they’re clear, Talon radios headquarters again.
“Got him, the boy is in the vehicle,”
“Good,” A voice crackles from the other end. “We’ll begin the experiment immediately.”
..............................................................................
*Edit: how was that? I tried to use your advice, is this a little better?*
*Edit 2: Came up with title. You'll see why later.*
Last edited by Pretty Crazy on Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:40 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hi! I shall be your reviewer for today!

“OK,”
no. Don't ever do that. Always use "okay" it bugs me the other way.

Lilica has stunning, straight blond hair and the deepest blue eyes he had ever seen on anyone.
It bugs me with the "on anyone". It sounds like clothes, try and change that.

It’s Talon’s first mission and he can’t take his eyes off the wreck he’s caused.

this seems plain, try and make it sound more...descriptive

This is very interesting! I’m excited! One thing though, I really think this should maybe be in the science fiction section, since it talks about space and all. Just a thought. I am really excited to know what comes next though, and the ending made me want to read more! Great job!

~Forest
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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Owe, I'm dying to know what happens next.

I think perhaps this needs a bit more of a build up to it. Once Scrape and Talon are introduced things pick up, but the first part seems a bit narrative. You've got the hook right, but for the first few lines your reader is going to decide if they can get through this full story. Your opening lines seem to be the worst of the whole thing I'm afraid.

"“Mommy?” Eight-year-old Kevin says from the backseat." - As much as I'd love to believe, most kids outgrow the word 'mummy' as soon as they enter primary school.

" “Yes, what is it darling?” Lilica asks." - Avoid the speech tags so close together. Also, how is she saying this?

" “Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise,” Lilica smiles lovingly at her son. " - It's all so cliche, I'm afraid. You really need to get those starting lines worked out.

It doesn't seem to be coming from any particular viewpoint, so it's hard to get into the story really. The question your reader will be asking is, why should I care about these people?

Usually I wouldn't be so picky, but the rest of this is great. It'd be a shame for people to overlook it because your opening doesn't really justify the rest.
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This is a really great piece. I loved reading it and cannot wait to read more. There was one spelling error:
They had met in collage and never drifted apart. Now they were married and had a wonderful son, who matched Lilica’s hair and eyes.
Collage should be college. A collage is the art piece.

Other than that, I have to same complaints as the other reviewers. Give your characters some more personality. Add more details so it is easy to picture what is going on. Describe what it looks like in space or how it is different form now.

All in all, this is a great prologue.
SAYS THE MONKEY




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Wow, I love the action moment. And I love the name talon, makes him sound like a predatory bird and a real bad person. And if you can do that with just his name I'd love to know more about his character.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
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wow! I absolutely love this! very gripping, i want to read the next part badly! Apart from a few mistakes that have been pointed out, this is brilliant. keep writing and can't wait for the next part!!!!

:D
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
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All right, I'm reviewing because it was in my Psychedelic Coat, and I must do it sometime. Sorry; haven't looked at it for a while.

Anyway, yeah. It felt a bit short and a lot of telling not showing. To prove my point:
One of the men, whose name is Scrape, is holding a pair of binoculars, the other, Talon, has his hand on the craft’s trigger.

Really, can we not learn from dialogue that these guys are called Talon and Scrape?
Right, plotwise, has promise; I think it sounds like there's going to be the (over-used, admittedly) mutating of a child, those sick monsters! Although, it's a bit of a cheap trick as Limyaael once said, when children are involved with horrific things.
Characters, my favorite:
Tyrus: OK, you said he's good at driving and this is the one thing he's good at. What does he do? Is he an overworked accountant, and the cover story is that he lost control because he was tired as heck and crashed? Anyway, if he's so useless, how on earth did he get this Lilica? Is he good-looking, or intelligent but unlucky? Give a little more, please.
Lilica: A bit of a Mary-Sue, in all honesty. She has a beautiful laugh, is drop-dead gorgeous, college-educated, etc. etc. Please tell me she doesn't make it (I know, I'm a heartless glitch).
Kevin: Perfect children creep me out. OK, they tug at the heartstrings, but at the same time, he's not fidgeting, he's not asking 'are we there yet?', he's sitting still apart from the cute bit of 'Will you tell me where we're going?' Eyebrow-raisers activate!
Scrape and Talon: Not much characterization. Talon's a rookie, yes, but what is the motivation of the two? Money? Does one of them have a child experimented on, but it failed, and the only way he can continue to pay for her medical bills is if he brings in a replacement? I'm just wondering an' all that.

Also, I'd like to point out that human beings shouldn't sleep over eight hours. Twelve hours is technically unhealthy.

Other than the above, I liked it, and would like to see more.
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.

Coming at you like a jetpack Shakespeare.

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Hi there! I shall review! First of all, I like the way you have the beginning, the very beginning, I mean. Like, how you tell us the time and place. And the quote, they're always cool, too, because you give us an idea of what's to come. Of course, you should give an author for the quote, and you should't give a tag for the time. If it's in 24-hour time, then it should just be 2015, not 20:15, or 20:15 PM. The PM is already there, in the way that it's 8, plus the first half if the day. Anyways, I'm rambling!

“It’s a surprise,” Lilica smiles at her son’s dismayed look.We’ll be there soon.”


notice the bold.

Lilica laughs. She has a beautiful laugh, soft and sweet. It could make anyone around her feel happy.


Don't tell. Perhaps: Lilica laughs. She has a beautiful laugh, soft and sweet, like a blanket warming you in the middle of winter.

She is beautiful. But that wasn’t why Tyrus had fallen in love with her; she is the sweetest person on the planetCOMMA in his opinion. They had met in college and never drifted apart. Now they were married and had a wonderful son, who matched Lilica’s hair and eyes.


I like how you introduce the characters, in this part. It's almost like we should know them already... Hmmm, perhaps I'm just thinking of your foreword! But I like how you skim over the ditails, because it adds an almost solemn mood to your writing, which had been predisposed by the "The accident that would change their lives would happen in less than five minutes. "

“He’s going to be so excited,” She says quietly, excitement adds and edges to her voice.


I don't think it makes sense how you put it... :smt017

Keeping a pet is different in outer space.


WHAT????!?!?!!! Okay, so this is probably something vital to your plot.... but WTF?

It had been dark like this all day, but that was because of planet Nita’s size.


Okay, so i get what you're trying to say here, and in the next paragraph.... but WTF? First of all, to be scientifically accurate, the sleeping cycles of humans would change over a few hundred years, because we simply need the light to function at best... They would adapt, so double sleep, double day.

Talon can’t take his eyes off the wreck he just caused. This is his first mission and he feels both exhilarated and sickened at this.


Perhaps something like... Talon's heart starts to pump fast; he can't believe something like this could be both sickeing, and fascinating. If this is his first mission, then he can't wait for his next.

They fly over to the hover car, which lays on its roof, and set down next to it.


Okay, so I like this, definately would read on. Either drop a note here or PM me when the chapter 1 gets put up on the site, and I would be happy to help! I get the title thing; adjusting to the dark, because it's a differnet planet... or else the experiments turn the kid blind.

One more thing; Even though your Dialogue is believable, I think you should drop something about a life scan when they're on their mission, so they can tell that everyone in the vihicle is unconscious, because then we know that the kid's not crying...

And how old is the kid? Somehting you should add in there, too. Might be handy to know.

Thanks for writing!
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