Last

Last

It's hard to grasp that space is so vast,

And one day or another that space will collapse.

Time will then cease, and light will go black;

Super massive black holes are on the attack.


Stars start to crash, as galaxy's clash;

Gamma ray bursts turn matter to ash.

Ash to dust and us to ash;

We hope for a future, for ours has past.


The heavens are lit, a super novas blast;

Asteroids hit, for this we've never asked.

The end is nigh, no smiles or laughs.

The days are fleeting, this is humanity's last.

I like the ideas behind this poem but you need to work on your rhythm. It's very jerky at the moment and doesn't flow smooth. Here's a few suggestions and comments:

It's [It is would have more effect because it would mean you have ten beats in this line and you have five and five for two rhyming pairs.] hard to grasp that space is so vast,

And one day or another that space will collapse. [Twelve beats here. That works well enough so long as you keep to the pattern. I think your wording could be stronger though. One day or another is very vague and it doesn't give the sense of impending doom. It feels very relaxed which I don't think is the tone you're aiming for. Perhaps something along the lines of, 'On a deep winter's day that space...' would work better?]

Time will then cease, and light will go black; [You have nine beats here. Ten would be better. Maybe 'Time will then cease and the light will go black' except that's wasting good words so, 'Time will then cease and lush light will go black' except I don't like go black. This is just me though, I can be very picky with the wording of poetry. You have so few words as it is that I always feel like every one should count toward something. So maybe, 'Time will cease and infant light will retract.']

Super massive black holes are on the attack. [This line is just wrong. It feels like it's mocking the earlier lines. You've got a lot of spare words so maybe try to say more with them instead of describing the size, describe the power and the fear they will bring as well. Maybe use a simile or personify these black holes, make them seem more alive. You could stage them as aliens, coming to destroy the planet, give them a mind of their own. Think about this line more carefully.]


Stars start to crash, as galaxy's clash; [You need another syllable in the first half.]

Gamma rays bursts turn matter to ash.[You're short a syllable here too and it's fragmented. Making turn into turning would work. Maybe a comma after burst too.]

Ash to dust and us to ash; [Wooooow you can rhyme ash with ash Please no, re-phrase this. I like the continuation but it could be more effective. Like: 'From ash to first dust, we're all in rellapse.']

We hope for a future, for ours has past.


The heavens are lit, a super novas blast;

Asteroids hit, for this we've never asked.

The end is nigh, no smiles or laughs.

The days are fleeting, this is humanity's last. [I like your last line but the others feel superfluous. I'm not sure what I'd suggest. They seem repetetive of the previous verse and too simple. Maybe re-think this part?]

Rhyme

Just a closing comment. You might find a rhyming dictionary useful because when you're writing poetry the best rhymes are the ones that aren't always obvious. Rhyming a one syllable word with another one syllable word is thought of as 'bubble-gum' rhyming and it's starkly obvious. It can jerk a reader out of the pattern or give a poem a childish feel.

Okay then! So overall I liked this. Nicely written, a good choice of theme, some good word choices in places and I hope you're willing to put some effort into making this even better. Thanks for the read,

Heather xx

I love the honesty, thanks.

And I'll return the favor.

Hello rebel!
Nice to bump into you here (really lame at starting critiques)
well then, unto the fun part.
I really liked the ideas you had in this. I also agree with Kitty that your rhmyes are not super-duper. However, think about the alternatives to rhyming the next time you write a poem. I personally like non-rhyming poems better but that's just me. You may want to try some out, see if that's a better channel for your creative flow.

R3b3L wrote:Last

Hard to grasp, that space is so vast,

And one day or another space will collapse.

Time will then cease, and light will go black;

massive black holes are on the attack.


Stars start to crash, as galaxy's clash;

Gamma ray bursts turn matter to ash.

Ash to dust as the planets relapse (?)

We hope for a future, for ours has past.


The heavens are lit, a super nova blast;

Asteroids hit, for this we've never asked.

The end is nigh, no smiles or laughs.

Take a deep breath; humanity's last.

Besides the underlined line and the question mark, most of these are little fix-its. You can take them or leave them.
Well, it was a pleasure to review your stuff Rebel
(also lame at ending critiques)
I'll be seeing you around.
The Universe

Hey Rebel, first off- very interesting subject to write a poem on. I like the idea a lot. There is one thing I see, and that's that you repeat words in both the first and second stanzas- space, black, and ash. You even rhymed ash with ash xD. When you repeat words more then once really close together like that, it gives the poem a very list like feel, and that's not good because it's boring. But keep writing and you'll improve, and find your own flow .

~Hope

Hello Rebel (nice Username by the way!)

Well as has been previously said I really liked this however I did find myself cursing your rhymes. You could use a rhyming dictionary and then you could expand on your vocabulary and make your poem sound more proffesional. As it stands its very good but it could be improved with a few tweaks to the rhymes!


Overall I loved the choice of subject it was a very good idea and opens up endless possibilities. Its safe to say that I liked it and I will give you a gold star!
Well Done

Keep Writing
~Lydia

I think it's really good, but there are parts where it doesn't quite roll off the tongue like "super massive" but apart from bits like that it's great!

I really liked it. I mean yeah it had it's flaws, but every other poem on Earth does too. Your theme is awesome like I haven't seen another like it.

Yeah thanks for all the feedback, most of you said that the flow was off but it honestly isn't (no disrespect) I'll record it for you guys when I get my laptop back, but thanks.

I sorry to say but you should learn about poetic devices to give a flow to your poems.
In the middle of poem i found some flow but later it gone.
you said "time is cease." but it's a universal truth that time cannot be change or stop. It is the supreme power after God. we cant change or stop the time.

But carry on your writings.

Take care
Suraj

Heya!

I think I'm the only person who doesn't
see a rhyming problem here?

Oh well, on to the poem.

I think its wonderful!
Its refreshing to see something that isn't written
about love and heartbreak for once.
(I for one write about them far too much)

I read the poem slowly,
taking in each word,
and I found that it rhymes perfectly too me.

I like the introduction,
''It's hard to grasp that space is so vast, And one day or another that space will collapse. Time will then cease, and light will go black; Super massive black holes are on the attack''

And super massive black hole?
Its a decent song,
(the line reminded me of Muse )

Keep up the writing.