Jesus Was Gother Than You.

Definitely my favorite story that I have ever read on this site.

Try his other story, lol. It's better.

Which means... POST MORE STORIES! XD

Shadowdancer: Hey, thanks! I will definitely take your comment about the caps into consideration--a few people on a different site suggested the same thing, but I dunno. I wanted that part to build, and the only way I could think to go about it was to put it in all caps. But yeah, I can see what you're saying too...

Brain: Wow, thank you! That is the most extensive critique I've ever been given. -Feels honored-
I guess the one thing I was trying to get across (but failed to do) is that "Dani" isn't goth--she's a scenester. You know, one of these types of people. Which is why she, indeed, would have the entire world on her shoulders. I guess I just have to fix some wording to make her seem less goth and more scene, perhaps?

"“What, am I bothering you?”"
Definitely going to use your suggestion on this line, thanks.

As for the "Yes," (I am so lame but) this is my favorite line in the story. I'm constantly making little comments like that in my head when I have to deal with people like "Dani"--I think it’s in character, but I can see what you're getting at too.
-Scratches head- I think I'm going to leave it in, but thanks for the suggestion. Again, thank you SO much for the critique. I really appreciate it.

Snoink: Haha, thanks... You know I'm a girl, right?

WOW, I think this is ABSOLUETLY WONDERFUL! I think that you could add the name Dani in a little more, so readers won't be like, "Dani who?"

Also, best friend turned popular is a little cliche, but you made her a different kind of popular instead of the "regular" preppy popular. The part about the brother is original though! I think you could add a little more, it's tinybit short. GREAT JOB! m

I... yes, actually I do. XD

Honest!

The title doesn't make sense but the story is pretty good.

Snip Snip: Heyy, thank you. Yeah, it's a bit short, but I didn't know what to add to make it longer. Adding stuff sometimes spoils it, so I wanted to be careful about that... In what way do you think I could add in "Dani" in more? Taking out the yous, for example? (PS: Thanks for the guest book comment.)

Snoink: =P

Lucifer: Thank you. The title makes sense to me, though...

First of all,Amazing story!

Deja Vu...your story was eerily reminiscent of a coversation I had with a fellow student on today's bus ride...I'm serious, your story is an almost perfect play-by-play account of what I experienced earlier today.
scary...

I liked it! You could really feel her resentment. The part about the brother was the best in my opinion. But truthfully the main character sounds like a wimp and throughout the story I was routing on her to dump the Cheetos down "you's" shirt. Not that not liking the character makes the story any worse, and I disliked the goth more.

I think that changing the "you's" to "Dani's" would change the story is a worse way, but you could add in the name a couple different places, like when the main character is thinking about all the things that Dani has done to her, and addressing her, you could add in a "Dani" with a couple commas around it.

Aviator: Thank you. Hey, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through this crap...

Zelithon: Thanks! Haha, being a wimp is underrated... I'd never thought about the narrator is that, but you make a very valid point.

Snip Snip: Okay, I'll definately think about making a few changes. I thought the vagueness kind of added to the story, but I could be (as I almost always am) wrong.

“So my friends and I were wondering,” you say, gesturing over to the table where you eat with your legion of followers. “Are you a lesbian?”

A girl I knew asked my friend something JUST like this... for no apparent reason, just came by and asked.... I liked this... I wished I had read it earlier but I've been busy. I'm glad I read it now... it seems so realistic...

Poor brother of hers... god, what an ungreateful....

Good story!

Hey, thanks TBR.
Glad you liked it...!

I had to re-read this agin... wow... it's been a while.
But yeah, considering I'm entering High School this is pretty much what I don't want to happen but might happen anyway. Who knows? I loved this again... I did. Keep writing It was a lovely short story.

My new favorite part ... well... it all... again.
Had to read it again.
Wow.

---Elizabeth

Impressive. Very intense. I like the fact that you recognize that this person is not a real goth. At first it bothered me because my brother is one. But then you went into the description of some of the things she did and I realized your intention. Great work.

I really like this story and the title is great too. I can't really see anyway you could improve other than what some of the other people have said so there isn't much point to this review but I wanted to say that this is a really good story.