Moonlight

When its late in the night
and I don't feel right

then I go out
and look about

When the stars shine
under the moonlight

I feel free
as I can be

I feel I could run
and have some fun

I wish I could fly
up high in the sky

and touch a star
though it is far

and I could dance
If give a chance

I wish I could write
but I cant define

the feelings inside
roaming in my mind

when I go out
and look about

When the stars shine
In the moonlight

July! Welcome to YWS! =D
I hope you have fun here. ^^

Now, I have to tell you- I don't know anything about poems. I'm a story kind of person, but I will give you what I can.

When the stars shine
under the moonlight

did you mean to capitalise some 'whens' and not others? I notice that some are capitals and most of the starts of the two lines aren't. If you know what I mean. *flails*

I have to say, I can relate to this poem. I love to just go and stare at the stars, and there is often no words for what you can see and feel. So I can get where this is coming from. =D

I'm not a huge fan of the two line layout, but like I said, I'm a story kid. It just feels a little stilted. Nothing too bad, however. =D

I enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry I can't be of much help. If you write stories too, I'll be more than pleased to go over them for you. ^^ I think this poem has a message, and it gets through and spoke to me. So that's good. I'm pretty sure that's what poems are supposed to do.

If you have any questions whatsoever, about writing, the site, anything, don't hesitate to PM me or any of the other members here. We are all pretty friendly. If you want to get to know everyone quickly, there's a chat room with usually a few people in there. I'm in there most days. I would love to meet you and get to know you.

Have fun around the site, and again, welcome to YWS!

Welcome july, i love this poem of yours to much that am not going to critique anything.
All i will say is keep writing

thanx for the support ill try to improve my works .i just started and am kinda getting a hang of it.

And about the punctuation I am not very good at it but I will try to work it out.

This is a nice poem, and has a great idea. It is maybe a little to simple for my taste, and quite literal, but this is your poetry, so I can not complain. Overall I thought it was good and touching. Very Nice

I really like this poem! You told the readers when you don't feel so great, you look at the moon.

But the only thing I'll add to it is description. Give a little more feel to it. You know what I mean? Then the reader would probably feel like you, enjoying the moonlight. I, as your reader, felt a little of what you would've felt. Here's an example:

When the stars shine
under the moonlight

You can add something like:

When the stars shine When the twinkling stars "smile"
under the moonlight

under the pale moonlight

I know... it's not very good. Just shape it into your style!

I really enjoyed reading the poem though!

I really liked your poem because I could relate to it, and somehow feel emotions by reading your poems. It was fantastique.

I also really enjoyed this piece.

july4ruby wrote:I wish I could write
but I cant define

the feelings inside
roaming in my mind

This part has a different rhyme scheme than the rest of your poem, and its my favorite part. Which doesn't mean anything except... it's my favorite part.
Never fond on rhyming couplets, but I enjoyed this poem in spite of that. Just think about this ^ structure when you go to write another piece, pretty please. For me.

Sorry if that was more my blatant opinion than a review.
I'll make it up to you on your next poem.
the universe