Hidden Wars~ I think this is the name I want. Maybe.

Hi! I'm Narniafreak! I hope my comments help!

Third paragraph [[the long one]] could be split up into smaller paragraphs so readers don’t have to feel overwhelmed reading it. Also, when you say so-and-so is talking but that tag onto the dialogue, not that next paragraph. There’s a couple other “long” paragraphs that need to be shortened [[the ones where they are with Colt]].

The youngest one asked, she was pretty and almost as tall as the dark haired woman that was seated beside her.

You could split this up, with “the youngest one asked” being moved up next to the dialogue, and starting a new sentence with “she”.

Jamie over at Alex surprise on her features Alex nodded mouthing I know, he sounded just like her father had.

I think you forgot a word. “look” should between Jamie and over right?
Also when Alex “mouths” something to Jamie, you used third person, and since she’s basically saying it you can use first person… “I know, he sounded just like our father.” Or something smiliar.

And they both nodded as they walked under his arm and into the dry.

Probably another forgotten word.. dry what?

Then the doors opened slowly and both girls turned to see a man who looked very much like their father.

How does he look like their father? Elaborate.

A sure sign of a lie or guilt, he leaned on the counter saying.

I’m a little confused. Is he thinking this part or saying it… because there’s no quotation marks but it says “saying”. Also, if it is his thoughts you could put them in italics like you did with Alex’s thoughts.

Also, I'm no expert on the matter, but I think they're are a few places where some comments could go if you want to give it a quick check.

Sounds good! I hope to find out what's really going on and how their lives are going to change! =]

-Narniafreak!

P.S. Merry Christmas to you too!

Hiya there!

This story is about seven or eight (not totally sure yet) gifted kids who have powers. They first must meet and than they figure out that they are the desendents of supernatural creatures and magical humans. They also find that there is a tear in our realm that releases monsters and they must try and stop it.

You shouldn’t post what your story is about. Your story is supposed to show your reader what it’s about. So I would edit the above out

The looming sky was a dark grey and its color matched the two girl’s mood.

It should be girls’ since there are two of girls.

“Alex, what are we waiting on?”
The youngest one asked,

This should be one paragraph with the T being uncapitalized. The one character is speaking and the dialogue tag should come either right before or after the dialogue. Not in the next paragraph.

Also? Waiting on? Wouldn’t you mean waiting for?

she was pretty and almost as tall as the dark haired woman that was seated beside her. Though from the cute pixyish face with high round cheeks you could tell she was younger. Her big blues eyes made you think of the deep depths of the ocean and they were at the moment filled with doubt.

This part could be in the paragraph I suggested you create above ^ since you are describing the character who had been speaking.

She sighed, looking around with those big lost eyes.

I would nix the part after the comma. Unless you want to describe how her heavy sigh showed her impatience.

They were in a laundry mat, the only two in the dimly lit shop.

Except a worker or two?

She again wondered why her sister had brought them here, it didn’t make any sense.

…brought them here, for it didn’t make any sense. Flows better when there is a for in there

Alex rose looking at Jamie even though her dark grey eyes were far away.

If you read this sentence aloud you’ll find where a comma goes

They stepped out onto the street and almost instantly got soaked to the bone.

That fast? I’ve stepped out into the pouring rain and it takes well over a minute to get completely soaked.

Alex looked at her little sister and for a moment thought about telling her everything, about her visions and dreams, about a long lost brother who may help them, but she didn’t.

What? First I’ve heard of this. Hope you’re going to explain this *long* sentence more in the very near future.

“Here, stand under the overhang.”
Alex told her and Jamie squished herself against the wall and most of the rain stopped hitting her.

The dialogue should be in the same paragraph as the “Alex told her” part. I would then change the “and” to an “as” to make better sense.

Her lips were trembling and turning slightly blue.

Already? How long have they been in the rain for her lips to turn blue? I would believe it if it were -40 weather.

Push the button, it’s now or never. Just do it you know how it turns out.

Put this part in italics to show it’s the MC’s thoughts.

She closed her eyes picturing him rubbing his chin.

How does she see all of this?

And they both nodded as they walked under his arm and into the dry.

Dry what? You just leave us hanging? Although we know but still..

Maybe…maybe I’m asking too much from her…she is only a kid. But then again…if what I’m seeing is true than she will have to grow up fast.

Italics here too. Always put your character’s thoughts into italics when you’re writing in Third Person.

~~~~~

Very interesting and I like it already! However, there are a few things I would like to point out:

Paragraphs~ You have some rather large blocks (the second section there) of writing that should be split up into littler ones. Also, you need to put your dialogue tags and perhaps some of your character actions with your dialogue. I didn't point out all the places where you need to fix the dialogue and the tags. I figured you could find them

Characters~ At first I thought your characters were older, but it seemed Jamie sounded and acted way too young. But Alex I assumed was much older then eighteen. Apparently not. Also, make sure you put their thoughts into italics, as I've said before.

Description~ Pretty good in my books xD However, I feel like you skimmed over the fact that there was a speaker box type thingy. And aren’t there any cars on the street that they crossed?

Plot~ You gotta explain some things. Especially about how Alex knew Colt was their brother, when she found out, etc.

But I gotta cut this short so if you have any questions, PM me.

Meadow

Hi there! This was a very interesting piece, and I look forward to reading further.
I agree with what previous reviewers have said, but I have a few nitpicks of my own. I try not to repeat, but if I do, I apologize in advance. I know that gets a little frustrating.

As has been said, don't explain your story to us. Your writing, as the story progresses, should do that for you. Also, you need to decide on the number. Obviously, if you're going between seven and eight, the eighth one isn't absolutely necessary and I think that character will suffer developmentally.

Now on to your story.

Rain was falling in sheets soaking the world around them as they waited. The looming sky was a dark grey and its color matched the two girl’s mood.

I think a comma is in order to go between "sheets" and "soaking." I want to pause there as a reader. The second sentence I find a bit awkward. It could just be me, in which case, just ignore me. I think you could make it flow better. Perhaps: "The looming sky was a dark grey, its colour matching the two girls' moods." Here, I'm not sure if "mood" should be plural or not. I always have trouble with that. I'm pretty sure it should be plural. If they shared something between them, like a dog, then it would be "the girls' dog." They each have their own mood, but they're both the same: gloomy, so I don't know. Please excuse my thinking out loud.

Her big blues eyes made you think of the deep depths of the ocean and they were at the moment filled with doubt.

This is the first and only second person you have in the entire chapter. It sort of threw me off. Maybe: "Her big blue eyes, filled with doubt at the moment, resembled the ocean depths." That way, you get rid of repeats like "deep depths." But you should do whatever you want.

She again wondered why her sister had brought them here, it didn’t make any sense.

You have just passed a sign that said: "Welcome to the mystical land of run-ons." I'm a frequent visitor myself. This is easily fixed by replacing your comma with a period (capitalizing the next word), adding a conjunction after the comma, or simply changing the comma into a semicolon. I would recommend the last one in this particular sentence.

Shivering she looked over at Alex who was staring out the windows to an apartment complex across the street.

I think you could put a comma after "shivering." It would make more sense, in my opinion, to replace "to and apartment..." with "at an apartment..."

Three hours ago they had walked in here and Alex had picked a spot on the window seats curled up and stared at the large doors.

I stumbled over this sentence a few times before I actually got it through my head. I think you've tried to pack too much action into it. Personally, I would write: "Three hours ago, they had walked in and Alex curled up on the window seats, staring at the large doors." That's just me, but play with it a bit.

A loud thunder clap made her jump to her feet but when she looked Alex still sat perfectly still holding her arms around her legs, chin resting on her knees. It was really starting to creep her out and she leaned over trying to look at her face. Lightning flashed illuminating the whole sky along with her sister’s face. She jumped back her hand over her mouth, Alex’s eyes had been completely black.

The first sentence seems a bit cluttered. I would take out some words that aren't really vital. "...jump to her feet, but Alex sat perfectly still, holding..."
The beginning of the second sentence seems...out of place, or something. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I just don't like the phrase "creep her out." That could just be my personal insanity.

Jamie's waist length hair that cascaded in a waterfall of pastel colored blond ringlets was drenched and her head felt fifty pounds heavier.

The fifty pounds detail seemed a little too unrealistic for me. Maybe her head could just tilt under the weight or something. I'm just thinking, my dog weighs 24 pounds... I do like the pastel-coloured detail though. Nice touch. (this is as close as I could get to a "thumbs up" smilie. His thumbs are up.

Alex looked at her little sister and for a moment thought about telling her everything, about her visions and dreams, about a long lost brother who may help them, but she didn’t

.
I don't know if I like this sentence. I think it gives us too much of a preview. I don't know. It's fully up to you.

Jamie squished herself against the wall and most of the rain stopped hitting her.

I love the verb "squished" here. It made me smile. However, the second half of the sentence is a little choppy. I would say: "...against the wall, safe from most of the rain." I don't know. You could probably think of something better.

Push the button, it’s now or never. Just do it you know how it turns out. Alex told herself as she reached up a shaking hand to press the intercom button with a long trembling finger.

When I first read this, I thought: "What button? I didn't see a button anywhere!" I read the previous paragraph again, and then realized that there was and intercom in the next sentence. I would introduce it earlier. Maybe have Alex stare at it nervously or something.

She remembered her dream and knew he was looking around wondering if that was his buzzer. She hit it again knowing he would stand up and look down at his blue jeans and t-shirt then walk quietly to his bedroom dresser and pick up one of the hand guns that rested there.

I wouldn't use a pronoun before introducing the antecedent. I might say: "She remembered her dream and knew the man inside was looking around, wondering..."

“Who is this…”

um..why the ellipsis? I would use a question mark. There's no indication that he was cut short or trailed off.

“Who in the hell wants to know!”

Omit the "in."

Alex grimaced at the angry voice and then she remembered he was some kind of cop, she had seen it.

We're back in Run-on land! This time, I'd just make "She had seen it" its very own, special sentence. It's a very nice effect.

He probably thinks we’re here to murder him.

Why?

“My name is Alexandra, I knew you’re father.”

That comma desperately wants to be a period.

I never had anything to do with him why should I care about anything you have to say?”

Period after "him" and capital "Why."

Alex sat watching Colt walk around the small kitchen, his huge form intimidated her slightly but she knew she had weapons she could use if she had to.

Run-on! I think you can fix it.

At somewhere around six foot five he stood taller than most people she’d ever seen and she saw the thick muscle around his chest and shoulders.

When you start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, it is always followed by a comma. The previous sentence is an example.

It’s pale grey walls and dark green accessories gave a manly appearance, it had four rooms, the kitchen and living room were joined in a big open area.

I don't know why, but "manly" has a comical connotation for me. I would use "masculine."

But then again…if what I’m seeing is true than she will have to grow up fast.

"Than" should be "then," but I would replace it with a comma anyway.

How in the hell could he have sisters

I'm not sure, but I think you can omit "the" and capitalize the "H." I'm really not certain about that, though.

My father didn’t even know I existed!

Why the sudden change to first person?

She shook her head as she swallowed the drink of coco she had just taken.

Was that a "no" shake? If so, was it because she wanted him to call her "Alex?" I was a little confused on that. Also, the second part of the sentence was a little wordy. "...swallowed a mouthful of cocoa." is what I would write. Again, that's just my opinion.

“So what if I am…That doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

Again, I think a question mark is more appropriate than an ellipses.

“My dad, our dad is dead. Along with my mom, the cops wrote it off as an accident, but it wasn’t.

Here, I think a dash would be more effective than a comma in the first sentence.. It's a more sophisticated punctuation that implicates a pause. After "dead" I would put a comma, followed by a lower case "along." After "mom" you can place a period.

“We, my sister and I, there wasn’t anyone to take us and they wanted to separate us.

This sentence is tough. It's a run-on, but I don't think you could make it grammatically correct in this format. If it were me, I would break it up completely. "'We, my sister and I.' Alex gulped. 'There wasn't...'" But you should do it however you feel is most effective.

He looked at her and knew, she had broken eye contact. A sure sign of a lie or guilt, he leaned on the counter saying.

I would get rid of "and knew," replace the first comma with a period, the first period with a colon, and the second comma with a period as well. It makes the most grammatical sense to me that way.

He couldn’t help it his heart went out to the kid that was his only weakness, his big heart.

Run-on land! I would say: "He couldn't help it. His heart went out to the kid. That was his only weakness: his big heart."

A kind heart in his business good get you killed.

Perhaps that was supposed to be "could get you killed?"

She looked at him from the corner of her eye, past the curtain of dark hair.

It was then that he somehow knew that his life would never be the same.

To me, this feels like you needed a good ending sentence. It's basically a repeat of what Alex just said, so I would get rid of it completely.

P.S. Thanks for reading Merry Christmas

Is that why it's in green?

Overall comments:

I really did enjoy this piece. I like your characters, and it's a great opening.

You're two main grammatical errors are run-ons and the absence of commas.
-Run-ons:
I left a lot of these unmentioned. A lot of people have it in their heads that a run-on must be really long, but that isn't true! A run-on can be as simple as "She stayed I left." A quick way to spot your run-ons: If you can make more than one complete sentence out of it, there's your run-on. EX:

“Call me Alex, everyone does.”

"Call me Alex" has a subject and a verb, so it's a complete sentence. "Everyone does" is also a complete sentence, so this is a run-on. Separate them somehow, for two independent clauses can't occupy the same sentence. It's kind of like that "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" type thing.
-Commas
As for commas, if a character performs an action, and then performs another with an -ing tail, there is most likely a comma there. EX:

Colt placed his hands on the counter staring at the two uninvited girls in his home.

So Colt places his hands on the counter. Then he stares at the girls. This calls for a comma!
Please correct me if any of the above comma stuff is wrong, but that's how I learned it.

Other than that, you have a wonderful story sprouting here. Let me know when you have more! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me.