Aradel's Daughter Chapter IX

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Okay, the last and final chapter. Now NOTE: I NEED to edit a certain death scene, or all of them, just so you know, I do know that!!! Any comments if you've read it all, put on this one. Thanks guys! (Oh, btw, I'm working on getting my reviews up now, just wanted to get the story up first!)

Chapter IX - Weakened
Cela picked up the quiver of arrows, it contained an even two dozen, she would have to be careful with her supply, not having more anywhere near where she would be.
She desperately wished she could practice, but there were no targets, only barren rock.
Cela examined the quiver closely, and found a sheet of paper inside, on one side, there was a note from Bryn.
Cela,
I got as many arrows for you as I could, but you must
understand my situation. It was hard enough getting
Tristan's bow for you, you can only imagine how hard it
was to get the arrows for you. Please, don't miss. You
are our only hope left.
I hope to see you again, but we both realize the
severity of this situation. Call my name, and I shall
come, even if you are dying. I won't let you die in
vain. I know you must do this.
Godspeed and good luck,
~Bryn
That was that. Bryn had confirmed what Cela already knew, it was Tristan's bow. Still, the note made Cela laugh, 'Please, don't miss,' was not your normal pre-death advice.
However upon flipping the paper over, Cela saw an X marked in the center of the paper. There was a small note here too.
P.S.: I know you will be stopping tonight, practice, it
can only ever help you. And Sal tells me it's been a
long while.
~Bryn
Cela let the target rest upon one of the caves walls, and strung her bow. She picked a random arrow, admiring the perfectly straight wooden stick, and readied herself. She shot, and the arrow flew true, leaving a hole in the X on the target. Cela shot several more, before gathering them up and repeating the exercise. Again, and again, and again.
At last Cela felt she had enough practice. She put her arrows back in her quiver, unstrung her bow, keeping the weapons near her as she curled up in a crevasse in the wall, wrapped her cloak tightly around her, and fell into a haunted sleep.
In the morning Cela awoke, slung her quiver and pack back over her shoulders, and kept her strung bow in her hands as she finished climbing the steps.
In front of her there materialized Terrin's massive castle, spires and walkways, towering walls, and more, sticking out on the bare mountaintop. She finished hiking up, and smiled grimly at the expansive castle before her.
She walked right up to the gates, and found them to be unlocked. Odd. She pushed a small door open, and walked inside the complex, heading straight for the main door.
It did not take her long to find Xavier, he was seated on a pew in the main room, lounging easily and pouring over a book. Cela silently knocked an arrow, and let it whiz through the air, hitting Xavier in the neck.
He croaked out a small noise, and was finally still on the stone floor. Cela sidestepped around him and continued up to Terrin's rooms.
The way up was a massive labyrinth of secret doors and passageways, but somehow she passed safely onto the bridges, and soon was at the very bridge where she had been thrown over by Xavier only a few scarce weeks ago. Bryn had saved her then, but somehow Cela knew she would not be so fortunate. Cela knew she was walking to her death, but she did not shy away, as some would, she embraced it with open arms.
It was then that Cela reached Terrin's door, and threw it open. On an embroidered couch, directly in front of a large fireplace, there sat Terrin. Cela had to maintain her posture very carefully as she stifled a gasp.
If there is any standard look for vampires, Terrin had it. He was dressed in black silk from head to toe, his blood red eyes so unfamiliar in his face; they were glazed over, like he was staring at something, something far, far away. Something you couldn't reach unless you were dead. A part of life that Terrin's damned soul could never reach.
His red hair was now short and clean, but it looked strange on his head. As if finally sensing Cela was there, his head creaked around and his glazed eyes finally settled on Cela's own. He smiled weakly.
"Hello Cela," He said clumsily, the words tripping over his tongue.
"Hello Terrin," She said with finality. She pulled up her bow, arrow already knocked, when there was a blast of power with which the bow flew from her hands.
"You didn't think it could simply be that easy, did you baby sister?" He croaked out, standing up. At that moment both there eyes fluttered to a sword hanging over the fireplace. Before Cela could even move he had ceased it, and had it high over her head. In that fleeting moment Cela grabbed her knife out of it's sheath, and then the sword came down, and her left arm was severed, lying in a bloody mass on the floor.
Cela took this opportunity to slide the knife through his stomach, wincing as it cut through the flesh, and up to his heart. She slashed and stabbed, until at long last he fell to his knees. She instantly grabbed the sword in her right hand, it was heavier than she had originally expected. None the less she brought it down in a clumsy arch, and Terrin's head fell to the ground. There was no blood.
Cela was breathing heavy, the blood loss far to much for her to handle. She was dizzy when she remembered to shout out.
"Bryn! Bryn Kimimela!" She cried, her voice echoing through the silent castle. Cela did not know how she knew Bryn's last name, Kimimela, it meant 'Butterfly' in some form of native american. However she was in terrible fear, for Terrin was not dead yet. His unseeing eyes blinked, and his head reattached to his neck.
"Oh Cela, it was as I told you, it just isn't that simple!" He exclaimed, as he once again regained his balance, and picked up the sword dripping with blood, Cela's blood.
At that moment though, there was a yell, and Bryn burst through the door. Cela was nearly passed out, and could barely remember Bryn coming to finish off Terrin.
The last she saw was Bryn taking the sword from him, and decapitating him once more. After that there was just fire, lots and lots of fire...

"Cela?" The worried voice woke her. She weakly opened her eyes to see Bryn kneeling over her. "Oh Cela, thank god you are alive. You did it, Terrin is dead. Aradel survived another generation thanks to you."
"Aradel..." Cela murmured, closer than ever to death.
"Yes, Aradel. You were, are the daughter of Aradel, and it is only because of you that we survived. Now let me fix your wounds, you were very close to dead when I found you." Bryn replied.
"Oh Bryn. You can't save me, admit it." Cela replied, the weak attempted shadow of grim humor hidden in her voice.
"You are right Cela, most unfortunately, I can not." Bryn hung her head in shame.
"It's okay Bryn, there is one thing you can do for me though." Cela said.
"And what ever would that be?"
"Sing, sing to me Bryn Kimimela."
"Alright," And it was then that Bryn's voice rang clear and true, and Cela let her eyes rest as the familiar song rang into her ears. After the first bit Cela felt herself slipping away, until at last she was at peace...

"Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found; Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
 And grace my fears relieved; 
How precious did that grace appear 
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
 I have already come;
 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures; 
He will my shield and portion be,
 As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail, 
And mortal life shall cease,
 I shall possess, within the veil,
 A life of joy and peace.
The world shall soon dissolve like snow,
 The sun refuse to shine; 
But God, who called me here below,
 Shall be forever mine.
When we've been there ten thousand years,
 Bright shining as the sun, 
We've no less day to sing God's praise
 Than when we'd first begun. "


Okay, that's the all of it!!! Thanks!
~Tari
She wrote herself wings and flew away...




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Okay, after many days of lethargy, I'm reviewing this at last, but I can't garantee that it'll be as good as the last review, cause I'm a little bad at reviewing endings.

Lets give it a try shall we :P


Cela,
I got as many arrows for you as I could, but you must
understand my situation. It was hard enough getting
Tristan's bow for you, you can only imagine how hard it
was to get the arrows for you. Please, don't miss. You
are our only hope left.
I hope to see you again, but we both realize the
severity of this situation. Call my name, and I shall
come, even if you are dying. I won't let you die in
vain. I know you must do this.
Godspeed and good luck,
~Bryn


Again, I think its better if you write this in a form of a note, without breaking it into lines like a poem. It seems a little awkward when I read it :P

That was that. Bryn had confirmed what Cela already knew, it was indeed/certanly etc Tristan's bow.


Yes, we all know this to be true, but you should emphasize this

She desperately wished she could practice, but there were no targets, only barren rock.

Cela let the target rest upon one of the caves walls, and strung her bow. She picked a random arrow, admiring the perfectly straight wooden stick, and readied herself. She shot, and the arrow flew true, leaving a hole in the X on the target. Cela shot several more, before gathering them up and repeating the exercise. Again, and again, and again.


Wait, If the walls were barren rock how in the world would a piece of paper with a X on it help? The arrows wouldn't go into the rock anyway right? Then how can she practice?

In front of her there materialized Terrin's massive castle, spires and walkways, towering walls, and more, sticking out on the bare mountaintop.


materialized seems a little awkward to use in this sentence, try to use another word instead of it and use it if nothing else comes to your mind.

She finished hiking up, and smiled grimly at the expansive castle before her.


Why did she smile instead of frowning or smirking?

He croaked out a small noise, and was finally still on the stone floor.


This seems like a very boring ending for a character, even though he was mainly a very sub-character, why didn't you let him fight for his life a little? Did you want a very worthless death for him? If so make the reader hate him more in the previous chapters so the reader too would want Xavier to die a worthless death. umm, get it? Then again, you already said you needed to work on your deaths right?

It was then that Cela reached Terrin's door, and threw it open. On an embroidered couch, directly in front of a large fireplace, there sat Terrin.


there is not necessary

his blood red eyes so unfamiliar in his face; they were glazed over, like he was staring at something, something far, far away. Something you couldn't reach unless you were dead. A part of life that Terrin's damned soul could never reach.


Okay, these lines make no sense at all. Try making it a bit more understandable, then again maybe it's just me and it is indeed perfectly understandable :P

fleeting moment Cela grabbed her knife out of it's sheath, and then the sword came down, and her left arm was severed, lying in a bloody mass on the floor.
Cela took this opportunity to slide the knife through his stomach, wincing as it cut through the flesh, and up to his heart. She slashed and stabbed, until at long last he fell to his knees.


Wow, I didn't know Cela was immune to pain o.O :P :shock: :shock:

Cela was nearly passed out, and could barely remember Bryn coming to finish off Terrin.


She can't have remembered if shes dying right? Use some other word that seems appropriate in this sentence.

"Cela?" Thea worried voice woke her.




"Oh Bryn. You can't save me, admit it." Cela replied, the weak attempted shadow of grim humor hidden in her voice.
"You are right Cela, most unfortunately, I can not." Bryn hung her head in shame.
"It's okay Bryn, there is one thing you can do for me though." Cela said.
"And what ever would that be?"
"Sing, sing to me Bryn Kimimela."
"Alright," And it was then that Bryn's voice rang clear and true, and Cela let her eyes rest as the familiar song rang into her ears. After the first bit Cela felt herself slipping away, until at last she was at peace...


Yes, Your certainly right when you sad you had to edit your death scenes. The main problems I see here are the bad lines and having no sorrow. Its like its all artificial emotion and Cela is just acting a part. The lines spoken by the characters seem stiff and made-up while there's a lack of body language and emotion.

Yes, sorry I'm being a little harsh, hehe.

Comments

Having read the whole story I can say that you can greatly improve it if you try hard enough. The story is great but the only problem is the lack of emotion, my advise is to picture yourself in each characters body and feel what they would feel at that time. Then write it down.

Th story is indeed very unique and well thought through. What inspired you to write it anyway? I'm curious.

Well, yes I know this review is too short and too lame for such a good story, but today, this is all I can do, sorry :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: . But I can promise you that I would gladly review anything else you decide to write and will do so if you PM me.

Keep up the great work,
See Ya!

-Fire-
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"



Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo