Newborn Sparrow

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Hello everyone, my name is Maddison Rovere and I'm new to YWS.
I'm 14, and my two dreams in life are to become an actor or an author.
I write stories all the time, but I never seem to finish them. It's my major downfall.
Anyway, this is a snippet I wrote yesterday on the current story I am writting.
(The title is a work in progress)
If you see a grammatical error, please tell me!

Talia landed on Rowena Avenue, her wings making a sickening crunch as they descended back into her spine. She pulled out her jumper and forced it over her wavy hair, over her arms, over the two holes in the back of her tank top. She glanced around cautiously, straightening her sweater. She didn’t want to arouse confusion by landing straight into his backyard, and she definitely wasn’t going to do a Justin and land on his windowsill. God knows what family member might see her, not to mention she had no clue as to what the house he lived in might look like. She stealthily moved her body from the moonlight-shone footpath to the shadows cast by the monster pine trees from the woods. Up ahead, she could see a large, unkempt mansion, reminding her slightly of those eerie haunted houses from the horror movies of the sixties. Although it didn’t have the tall, black gate, the cracked, broken windows and the ancient, dead trees, and yeah, it seemed only thirty years old (or older, she wasn’t good as guessing the age of things): you still got those heebie-jeebies that only those mansions could give you. Old-fashioned navy bricks and timber boarding the windows, the house was probably 4 stories high. She had a sudden mental image of a cackling, evil witch’s laugh as lightning stuck behind the threshold. Talia hoped to god that this wasn’t his house. She walked on a little further, her head in the clouds. Why had Justin said to come only if there was an emergency? Was Justin keeping something from her, something he didn’t want her to know? She sure hoped not.
Darting quickly across the road to a rundown unit where a battered mailbox stood out front, she glanced at the number: One-twenty-four. Damn it, she cursed, she had gone too far. Unless…
Talia retraced her steps until, with dread filling up her heart, she came back to the haunted house, reading the mailbox number. Yep, this was the place, all right. But how? Talia couldn’t begin to imagine someone innocent like Justin living in such a place that sent chills down her spine. It just wasn’t right.
Now she had found Justin’s family headquarters, she realised she hadn’t taken a spare moment’s thought to what she would do once she arrived. She had this whole plan mapped out in her mind: Find out where he lives, fly there and ask him. Obviously, she now considered bitterly, she did not reflect upon the parts in between.
Talia would not waltz up to his front door and demand to speak to Justin, she, of all people, was the least likely to have the courage to do so. Her mind conjured up ideas, but the sensible side of her brain battered them down like flies on a fly squatter. Every hopeful thought was useless as dust. Just as she was considering ringing him on her mobile and telling him to look out the front, she heard shouting and lights being switched on in Justin’s house. She hadn’t even recognized that the lights were off until this second. She should have: it was odd that the home was dark at quarter past six, unless nobody was home. Worried that someone might happen to spot her standing here, she hurried to the garden that surrounded Justin’s house. Even though the sun was setting and the sky had not fully begun to darken, the garden kept her hidden.
Drawing her attention to the window nearest her, she could see the outlines of a middle-aged woman and a young teenage boy. Talia instantly recognized Justin’s untidy hair, but his posture suggested that he was in horrible pain. Talia yearned to go and help him, but she somehow knew this wouldn’t be such a great idea. Justin clutched his stomach, looking like he was about the vomit his guts out, when she heard someone screaming at him.
“DON’T FIGHT ME, JUSTIN!” The woman screeched, brandishing a whip (or something to that effect, Talia couldn’t see exactly what it was) at his back. The force sent Justin onto his knees.
“I’m not like you, mother! I never will be! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” he retorted with as much volume as he could muster under the circumstances.
“Oh Justy Justin, Oh justice one, won’t you understand?” His mother cackled, circling her suffering son, “Be like your family, be the person who you were destined to become.”
“NO, I WON’T!”
“Well, what a shame.” His mother muttered sinisterly. “Too bad we’ll have to knock that attitude right out of you.”
And to Talia’s utmost horror, his mother’s face and body transfigured. Her facial features and nails became lengthier and her hair became shorter. A pair of skeletal velvet wings shot out of her back like rebounded springs as she grew in size.
His mother was a dark flyer.
How badly she wanted to scream out for help, how badly she wanted to run smashing through the window and rescue her Justin. But sadly, all she could do was helplessly weep for his pain. At one point she had to stuff her fist into her mouth to prevent her from crying out loud. Several minutes passed, as his mother whipped and clawed and physically tortured him until blood came seeping out of his arms, legs and back. She winced every time a crack of the whip came belting down on his back, every time Justin would howl out in anguish. It took Talia a little while to realise she had dropped to the ground. She mentally pleaded for her to stop, I’ll do anything if you make her stop, for her to grow tired and leave Justin. A couple more minutes passed, and finally her wish had come true. His mother transformed back into a normal woman and she gathered up her whip, heading for the door.
“When you change your mind, Justy, I’ll be awaiting.”
And with that she headed out the door.

Note: This story has been edited!

Giving you a rundown on the story:
There is a breed of genetically developed sub-species of human existing on earth. They are called flyers. They are able to soar through the skies with the eagle-like wings that emerge from their spine. Unfortunately, it's impossible to tell if you are a flyer till you reach the age of 16. And if you haven't been born from a flyer, it's can be difficult telling someone they have the ability to fly. That's where Justin and Talia come in. Justin, a seventeen-year-old teenager and the rule of the school, was given the task of coaching sixteen-year-old middle-class Talia about her new powers. And yeah, there's a little romance thrown in. :P
There are those flyers who exist in the world that don't use their abilities for the greater good, though (as all bad clichés go). Dark flyers, as their names happen to be, are those who believe their powers make them superior to every other being. Their latest craze: eliminating all the poor excuses for a flyer.
Last edited by Maddy on Sat Dec 26, 2009 5:43 am, edited 6 times in total.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)




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Here I am, as you asked.

Nice story by the way. Okay, I'll point out the mistakes, and other things.

Mistakes

And if you haven't been born from a flyer, it's can be difficult telling someone they have the ability to fly.

It's better to say, 'And if you haven't been born from a family of flyers, it becomes difficult say if you have the ability to fly or not.'

rule of the school

I know what you are trying to say here, but this doesn't seem to convey that exact meaning. Unfortunately, I can't think of any other sentence either, so you'll have to find that out.

Dark flyers, as their names happen to be

Should be, 'Dark Flyers, as their name happens to be'

Strange marking were appearing on her skin and wings

This should be, 'Strange markings'

Lord knows what family member might see her

Although this is appropriate, it's better to say, 'God knows'

it seemed only thirty minimum years old

This part doesn't seem right. You can try changing it to, 'it seemed almost thirty years old.'

it seemed only thirty minimum years old, you still got those heebie-jeebies that only those mansions could give you.

These two sentences should be separated by a semi-colon and not a comma. And I don't know what heebie-jeebies are so, I won't comment. :D

Talia hoped to god this wasn’t his house.

Should be, 'Talia hoped to god that this wasn't his house.'

Talia couldn’t begin to imagine someone innocent(ish)

'someone so innocent'

Justin clutched his stomach

I think this should be in past continuous. As in, 'Justin was clutching his stomach'

The force sent Justin on his knees.

Should be, 'on to his knees'

be the person who were destined to become.

This should be, 'be the person who you were destined to become.'

Characters

You had described the feelings of Talia well, but you have not given the reader any clue to what the two teenagers look like. No any description was given anywhere. Almost like a faceless stranger. So, I couldn't imagine the characters at all.

What you should do is add descriptive sentences regarding their appearance at some places in the story, giving a small idea to reader of how they may actually look like. It helps the reader to see the story through your eyes. That's one of the characteristics that should be in a good story.

Descriptions

You did fairly good in describing the place, the characters were in. I could imagine every little bit of the scenery, as you have described it well. And it was done through the character's eyes, which is very important as not to make the story monotonous.

Overall

I think the start of the story is a bit abrupt. No, really abrupt. You just jump right into the characters giving no chance to the reader to assess the situation. This leaves the reader disoriented.

Make the start more subtle. Describe the girl's room. Or her life, or just describe a normal day to day activity done by her. It usually is more effective in capturing the reader's attention in the story.

Well, I'm hoping to reader more of this story.

Good luck. :D
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Hi Maddy! I found this story and thought I might give you a review. Typically, I will do small nitpicks and then give you more in-depth suggestions/comments at the end.


Talia knows knew fully well that Justin told her never to come to his house unless it was an absolute emergency, but she didn't think he was being serious. Strange markings were appearing on her skin and wings, and she didn't know who else she could go to for help. She found his address in a phonebook, and flew there. She was unaware of what awaited her there, though....


With the crunching and bone-cracks of her wings descending back into her spine, and shoving a jumper over the holes in her tank top, Talia landed on Radham Avenue.


This is worded awkwardly. Could you revamp it to say something like: Talia landed on Radham Avenue, retracting her wings into her spine with a sickening crunch. She pulled on a jumper to hide the holes in her tank top.

She stealthily moved her body from the moonlight-shone footpath to the shadows cast by the monster pine trees from the woods.


Up ahead, she could see a large unkempt mini-mansion, reminding her slightly of those eerie haunted houses from the horror movies of the 60s. Although it didn’t have the tall, black gate, the cracked, broken windows and the ancient, dead trees, and yeah, it seemed only thirty minimum years old, you still got those heebie-jeebies that only those mansions could give you. Old-fashioned navy bricks and timber boarding the windows, the house was probably 4 stories high. She had a sudden mental image of a cackling, evil witch’s laugh as lightning stuck behind the threshold.


I have to commend you for trying to be original in your description of the spooky house, but it still felt cliched. Especially with the lightening. Up until this point I didn't even know the weather was bad. Make sure that you write all of the numbers out. So instead of 60's, you'd write sixties.

Now she had, at long last, found Justin’s family headquarters, She realised she hadn’t taken a spare moment’s thought to what she would do once she arrived.


Just remember that sometimes less is more.

Just as she was wondering if she could wait out the front until somebody noticed her, she heard shouting and lights being switched on in Justin’s house. She hadn’t even recognized that the lights were off (and she should have: it was odd that the home was dark at quarter past six, unless nobody was home) until this second. Worried that someone might happen to spot her standing here, she hurried to the garden that surrounded Justin’s house.


Okay, this part confused me. First, she is thinking that she is going to wait for someone to notice her standing outside. Then, quite suddenly, she is afraid of someone noticing her standing outside. Does she want to be noticed or not? Also, I personally dislike side commentary in paranthesis. You are telling the reader, instead of showing. If you need help with this, feel free to PM me.

Drawing her attention to the window nearest hear her, she could see the outlines of a middle-aged woman and a young teenage boy. Talia instantly recognized Justin’s untidy hair and jeans, but the posture of how he was standing looked like he was in horrible pain.


How can his jeans be a recognizable feature? Aren't jeans, no matter who is wearing them, pretty generic? Perhaps since he is the "popular" kid, he could be wearing a letter jacket with his name on it?

DON’T FIGHT ME, JUSTIN!” She screeched, brandishing a whip at his back. The force sent Justin on to his knees.


Don't use all caps when someone is yelling. While it does effectively convey how the words are being spoken, it is an eyesore. Exclamation points will do just fine. And do you think a whip is very realistic? I mean, I just thought it highly unusual that the mom keeps a whip handy. I think a leather belt would be more believable and it will still be a painful weapon.

“I’M NOT LIKE YOU, MOTHER! I NEVER WILL BE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!he retorted with as much volume as he could muster under the circumstances.


Again, no caps. Also, you don't always have to have a dialogue tag. We know that Justin and his mom are the only ones in the kitchen, so we automatically know this is Justin speaking. And we will be able to figure out that he too is using a raised voice, without you telling us.

How badly she wanted to scream out for help, how badly did she want to run smashing through the window and rescue her Justin, her damsel in distress.


By penning Justin as Talia's distressed damsel, you have totally killed his masculinity. Plus, I think damsel in distress is way too cliched.

Several minutes passed, as his mother whipped and clawed and physically tortured him until blood came dripping out of his arms, legs and back.


Could you show us this, instead of telling? What did it sound like as the whip connected with his back? What kind of noises was Justin making as this happened? What did his skin look like? Besides crying, what other reactions could Talia have? She could vomit, get light-headed, be shaking. I don't know, I just felt like you could have expanded so much more on this one sentence and built the tension that much higher.

Giving you a rundown on the story:

There is a breed of genetically developed sub-species of human existing on earth. They are called flyers. They are able to soar through the skies with the eagle-like wings that emerge from their spine. Unfortunately, it's impossible to tell if you are a flyer till you reach the age of 16. And if you haven't been born from a flyer, it's can be difficult telling someone they have the ability to fly. That's where Justin and Talia come in. Justin, a seventeen-year-old teenager and the rule of the school, was given the task of coaching sixteen-year-old middle-class Talia about her new powers. And yeah, there's a little romance thrown in.

There are those flyers who exist in the world that don't use their abilities for the greater good, though (as all bad clichés go). Dark flyers, as their names happen to be, are those who believe their powers make them superior to every other being. Their latest craze: eliminating all the poor excuses for a flyer.


Unless you never plan on posting anymore of this story on YWS (Which I sincerely hope you do), I don't think you need to give us a synopsis. But thank you all the same.

Big Picture:
This story has MAJOR potential. I love the flyers, you've obviously put a lot of thought into these creatures. You did a great job of showing us Talia's emotions, which made her feel very real to me. Justin was a bit shady, not too much information about him as of yet. As for his mother, you did a great job of portraying her as the villan. I think the plot is very strong and you do a good job of describing the setting. Sometimes the dialogue felt a bit forced and the narration has a young voice. But I think this is a very good start and an awesome addition to the YWS literary forum. Hopefully this has been helpful and not too harsh. If you have any questions or want my help, feel free to PM me. I can't wait to read more. :D
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.




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Thank you so much Moriah and C. Don't worry about being harsh, I do need harsh critic because it seems to help me better than soft words. Your comments have really helped me.


I cannot thank you enough. :D
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)




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Hey Maddy! I don't believe we've met. Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella, or any variation thereupon, and I shall be your reviewer today.

I. NITPICKS

With the crunching and bone-cracks of her wings descending back into her spine, Talia landed on Radham Avenue.


Okay, as far as first line go, it's really not bad, don't worry. But your first clause is a bit odd. Maybe she's listening to the sound or something? The "with" seems out of place.

stealthily moved her body from the moonlight-shone footpath


This is pretty and I understand why you like it, but moonlight-shone? You could just say "moonlit" or maybe the moonlight-illuminated, but shone? I don't know.

someone so innocent such as Justin


as innocent as Justin, maybe?

but the posture of how he was standing looked like he was in horrible pain.


Again, weird wording. "His posture suggested" or something? Posture or how he was standing, not both.

and finally her wish had come through.


true, maybe?

Alright so...

II. OVERALL

I was about to go all "This-doesn't-make-any-sense-as-a-beginning" on you but then I remembered that it's an excerpt. As such, I don't have any particular issues. This was pretty good, to be honest. However- and I know it isn't complete, I would have liked to see a little more of her thought process. When she's walking to the house she could be asking herself why Justin's never let her come before, or why he's secretive- if he is. She could be looking back on how she found out his address, that sort of thing.

A word of advice- I loved your voice, and you're writing a close third-person, which is fine. Everything was good here, but I'd just like to remind you when you're writing other parts to keep your voice consistent. Right now it sounds like a teenager describing the antics of another teenager- grand. But don't change it to an omniscient old man describing what's going on round a teenager when you decide to do big description. When it comes to voice, consistency is everything.

Overall though, I really did like this! *gold stars* You better stick around YWS, else I'll come to your house!

Hope I helped and if you need anything at all please feel free to drop me a PM!

See you around,

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Thanks Stella, your advice was wonderful! I hope I see you around YWS, too.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)



You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'