First story-- part 8

Sara’s head spun and her ears buzzed. She knew she was losing too much blood, but she enjoyed the sensation. She was aware of the pain, but she floated above it. And in this hallucinogenic state, her fantasy and reality collided.

Sara was back on the field, behind the school. Only instead of Ashley, Mike, Alyssa, Jess, and Tom lying on the ground, they were all versions of her former self. And, somehow, she knew that the figure looming over them was herself, not Nerezza. Then the dream changed and Nerezza was in Sara’s room, staring at the cuts on her arm. And then Nerezza touched her bleeding arms and they scarred over.
“Do not die.” She commanded.
Then, she was back on the field, looking over the dead versions of herself. This time Nerezza was by her side.
“You can do so much more,” she said, gesturing to the distance. And instead of the old Sara sprawled there was the current version of herself. But she didn’t look sickly, she looked powerful. Her white hair glistened and she cupped a ball of fire in her hands.
“But I want to be like you.” Sara whispered.
And she woke up to the sound of cold laughter. No one was there. Sara sat in a pool of her own blood. Her arms, though, were scarred over, and her hands had healed.

I have saved the girl. She was lucky; I should not have been in the presence of humans until at least Monday. However, if I had waited much longer, she would have died and this earth would most likely cease to exist. Hopefully Saraphina will not act so recklessly in the future, for my time runs short. If my calculations prove correct, I have three weeks at most.
Sara’s mom came home.
“Oh my poor baby!” She yelled as she walked through the door. Darryl lagged behind, dragging several suitcases. Sara stood rigid as her mom embraced her.
“Your hair… your eyes…” she began, “poor baby…” she said, trailing off into tears.
Sara was glad that she was wearing long sleeves. She could hardly imagine her mom’s reaction if she found the white scarred-over words on her arm. Her mom would never understand. Her mom would keep her cooped up. Nerezza apparently had no parents. “So why do I?” She asked herself silently.
She wished suddenly that she had power. To erase someone from existence. To shape a life. Her mom touched her shoulder.
“GET AWAY!” she screamed. Mrs. Neubauer jumped with fear. Sara smiled. In a way, she already did.

Sara was

back on the field,

Normally I'd say "back in field".

Only instead of Ashley, Mike, Alyssa, Jess, and Tom

This introduces a lot of characters, all with common names. This kind of overwhelms the reader.

looming over them was herself, not Nerezza.

I'm hoping that you have explained who Nerezza is in an earlier part of the story.

Then the dream changed and Nerezza was in Sara’s room, staring at the cuts on her arm. And then Nerezza touched her bleeding arms and they scarred over.

The "then" and "and then" is kind of repetitious.

“Do not die.” She commanded.

Should be "Do not die," she commanded.

“But I want to be like you.” Sara whispered.

Should be: "But I want to be like you," Sara whispered.

And she woke up to the sound of cold laughter.

A lot of your sentences start with and, which is not good.

I have saved the girl. She was lucky; I should not have been in the presence of humans until at least Monday. However, if I had waited much longer, she would have died and this earth would most likely cease to exist.

I'm confused, it's like you switch from 3rd person to first person! If you were truly in 1st person, you wouldn't have been able to describe Sara's emotions at the beginning of this section.

Sara’s mom came home.

I thought Sara was at school?

“Oh my poor baby!” She yelled as she walked through the door.

"she" should not be capitalized.

she began,

Period, not comma.

“poor baby…” she said,

Poor should be capitalized.

“So why do I?” She asked herself silently.

The thoughts should be italicized.

She wished suddenly that she had power. To erase someone from existence. To shape a life.

Why would she want that? This is desperately random.

In a way, she already did.

Huh? she already did what

PM me for any questions/comments/hate mail

-Lena.

Thanks! Yes, you kinda have to read the other 7 sections to understand what's going on. You'll find them if you click back a page or two. And I understand that lots of points are random or confusing, but I promise, not just to you but to everyone, that it is allllll explained in the future.

Hello! I read all eight parts in one shot. I like the plot; you have an intriguing plot. What is Nerezza and what does Sara got to do with it all? I think that Sara makes a believable 13-year-old although I kind of think their attempts at taunting Nerezza in earlier chapters were kind of... sad.

Dreamy115 wrote:“But I want to be like you.” Sara whispered.

I don't really get this part. Why does Sara want to be like Nerezza if she was the one who killed all her friends and made everybody think she's crazy? Also, I don't get why Nerezza would be attending school with normal kids when she loses control so easily?

I don't like the way Sara treated her mother either. Maybe you can tell us more about how Sara's feeling about everything to justify?

Yup, so that's basically my review. I'm looking forward to reading more and hopefully my questions will be answered in future chapters!

Thanks! Well.... Sara is slowly going insane, as you will see. And, very soon, you will find out just why Nerezza is in school and just what she has to do with Sara. And yes, I know their attempts at taunting were sad, but aren't they always, for everyone? I have never had a smart insult thrown at me. Within the next 3 parts, (just about) all will be revealed about Nerezza, including a twist that I'm pretty sure nobody's expecting. *laughs evilly*

First off, really cool! I like how you have a force controlling both Sara and Nerezza. Just have to be a little careful about it.

Sara’s head spun and her ears buzzed. She knew she was losing too much blood, but she enjoyed the sensation. She was aware of the pain, but she floated above it. And in this hallucinogenic state, her fantasy and reality collided.

I'm not quite sure if this would happen- losing too much blood. I would understand a weird sensation from it, such as a rush from seeing it/ having it happen to her. So, yeah. Just think about her reaction a tad.

Sara was back on the field, behind the school. Only instead of Ashley, Mike, Alyssa, Jess, and Tom lying on the ground, they were all versions of her former self. And, somehow, she knew that the figure looming over them was herself, not Nerezza. Then the dream changed and Nerezza was in Sara’s room, staring at the cuts on her arm. And then Nerezza touched her bleeding arms and they scarred over.
“Do not die.” She commanded.

I got you the first time I read this. The second time it was a little rushed. So, you know. A few more details- possibly why she's having the flashback, or her environment as she is having it.

Her white hair glistened and she cupped a ball of fire in her hands.

I'd just like to say that I found this simple description very nice. You know... it's just that sometimes flowery language doesn't work.

Sara sat in a pool of her own blood. Her arms, though, were scarred over, and her hands had healed.

I think the simplest way to fix this is to describe how big she *twitch* scarred their names into her arm. I mean, I'm imagining fairly tiny writing- no more than an inch tall.

I have saved the girl. She was lucky; I should not have been in the presence of humans until at least Monday. However, if I had waited much longer, she would have died and this earth would most likely cease to exist. Hopefully Saraphina will not act so recklessly in the future, for my time runs short. If my calculations prove correct, I have three weeks at most.

Nice suspense. I would say more, but, you know. 'Nuff said.

Sara stood rigid as her mom embraced her.

Just a few thought bubbles around this area. I mean, I'm very curious about what Sara is thinking during this mini climax.

“Your hair… your eyes…” she began, “poor baby…” she said, trailing off into tears.

I picture Sara trying to brush this off, or if she's not, we're given a reason why. I mean, there are people who bleach their hair to white. Also, I don't remember her eyes changing, but maybe I wasn't paying close enough attention.

So why do I?” She asked herself silently.

I almost wrote a response to this question Typical reader, am I. XD

GET AWAY!” she screamed.

All you need is the exclamation point; the caps aren't needed.

Well, I must say, this part was pretty cool. The only thing is that Sara went from hating Nerezza to idolizing her in one chapter. So, give us some more insight on this, and flush out the situation a bit more. That way, you can shape your character into a well rounded person. Other than that, keep writing! I much enjoyed this.

*Seraph*

Thanks! Yes, I'm trying to make it sound like she's going insane and her mind isn't all right-- maybe i need to clarify more. She's not really supposed to be well-rounded, because she won't...... never mind! More on that to come.

Yeah. Just try putting yourself in her shoes. Also, you don't have to worry too much, since this is your first draft. I mean, you're going to do a lot of revising.

Hey, it's me again! So sorry I haven't reviewed this yet. Here we go!

“Do not die.” She commanded.

First, the period should be a comma. And she shouldn't be capitalized.

“But I want to be like you.” Sara whispered.

Same comma problem here.

“Oh my poor baby!” She yelled

Again, she shouldn't be capitalized.

Her mom would never understand. Her mom would keep her cooped up.

I'd suggest this: '...would never understand--she'd keep Sara cooped up.' Just my opinion, though.

“Your hair… your eyes…” she began, “poor baby…” she said,

I believe the first comma should be a period, thus making 'poor' capitalized. I think it makes the dialogue tags a little more clear.

Nerezza apparently had no parents. “So why do I?” She asked herself silently.

The quotation should be part of a new paragraph, she shouldn't be uppercase, and I have a question: She's talking about her parents, right? But I think you could make it a little clearer here.

To erase someone from existence. To shape a life.

In my opinion, these two sentences do not go together at all. You could try saying: '...from existence. To change someone's life in such a way that she--and they--would never forget it.' Yes, I know, it's ominous.

I think the story's really coming along nicely, though! Great job, and I can't wait for the next part. 'Cause this isn't the end, right? Please say it's not! Please keep posting more of this story! This time, I'll be able to come on YWS more frequently to see if you've posted the next installment! You go, girl!

Thanks! Don't worry, there's much, much more to come. And also, if you don't see me making any of the changes you say here, I really am. However, I do them on the draft saved in my comp, not on YWS, so you probably won't see them. Thanks again!