Hades Daughter- Prologue- Edited

Prologue-


Hades footsteps echoed in the hall. The artificial moon’s light cast down through the bay windows. Hades pacing was the only thing keeping him from trembling nervously. He rang his sweaty hands together. Everything and everyone in his mansion was in full motion.
A door separated him from his wife; her painful screeches stabbed his heart. Hades could hear the nurses shuffling about, the mid-wife shouting for more warm water. Hades pulled at his hair when suddenly he heard the mid-wife yelling in triumph.
“The baby is here!” The mid-wife yelled wearily, assuring Hades that he could come in.


Hades burst through the door nearly tripping on his holocaust cloak. He saw the baby girl in the mid-wife’s arms. A silence came over the room except for the breathes of Persephone, Hades wife. The baby girl’s black eyes were open to the world. She came into the world without a single cry. The girl blinked then settled her eyes on the mid-wife’s face. The gaze turned into a piercing stare, directly into the woman’s eyes. Never in her life had a baby's eyes seem so ancient. A power resorted in the child. The woman smiled nervously at the beautiful innocent girl. The mid-wife’s throat tightened suffocating her, her skin drained to a deathly white. The woman gasped for breath, foam formed at the edges of her mouth. Her eyes forever locked with the girl’s eyes.

“Hades, what is going on?” Persephone’s tired voice trembled. She tried sitting up.
Hades scooped up the baby from the mid-wife. The mid-wife clawed at her throat unable to breathe. She could feel the last millimeter of her airway closing. Looking over her father's arm, the girl’s stare intensified. The woman fell to the floor dead, but her eyes still locked with the girl's. The baby dropped her gaze and the woman's eyes rolled to the side and her eyelids closed. A few nurses gasped. Hades worriedly looked at his daughter then at the woman and smiled.

“She has the power of death, my love!” Hades held up the baby and spun around, happily chuckling. He came next to Persephone - who laid on the dis-crumpled bedsheets- and placed the girl in her arms. Persephone wrapped the girl in a blanket and lovingly smiled at her child. Hades signaled the nurse to leave, they carried away the dead woman, already knowing that her soul was being judged. Hades sat next to Persephone, beaming with pride and admiration.

“What shall we name her?” He rested his chin on her shoulders.
Persephone chuckled, “I thought you didn’t want a daughter?” She gently swept her fingers around the child’s face.
“I never said I didn’t want a girl, just that I preferred a boy. But this girl has the power of death! And remarkable beauty!”
Persephone waved away a strand of blonde hair and looked at Hades. “What if she didn’t have the power of death?”
“Well, then she would still have her mother’s beauty.” Hades kissed Persephone.
“Better,” Persephone grinned.
“So, what shall we call her?”
“Labitina.”
“A Roman name!” Hades boomed perturbed.
“The definition of Labitina : corpse, funerals, and death. Labitina, she shall be called,” Persephone stated firmly.
Hades sighed. “Alright.” He looked back to his daughter, “Welcome to the Underworld, Labitina.”
Labitina sneezed. Her parents laughed. The two parents cooed at their daughter like a child with a puppy.



This is something I dreamed of and I’m not sure if I should continue on this. Please critique, and be harsh! (I know my description wasn't on full here, I'm sorry.)

~I am new so I am not sure if I am doing this right. I read this before I joined and i thought it was absolutely amazing!I just had to ask though, do you seriously have dreams about Hades?~

Hi, its PenNPaper.

So you seriously dreamt about this? Overall I think this is a good read, if you do post out the next chapter I will try to review it for you.

There aren't any mistakes in here though, that's good.

Anyway, if you do want to continue, I encourage you to. This may turn out to be a good story.

Hiya there! I'm not the greatest at handing out harsh critiques but I can do my best to help. Ookay, where to begin:

Hades footsteps echoed in the hall.

The hall of what? His manor? Castle, dark dank cave? Spice it all up and you'll find yourself loving the description of your settings!

The full moon’s light cast down through the bay windows.

I always assumed Hades lived in the Underworld. Every time I think of the Underworld, I think of below ground where the moon sure don't shine. Perhaps you could clarify that up. I always thought the Underworld was Hell so either everything be dark or bright with fire. Of course, I'm coming up with ideas and such but you could have artificial lighting shining into the hallway.

Hades pacing was the only thing keeping him from trembling nervously.

He could still be trembling nervously. To keep his hands from trembling he could have them clenched or shoved deep into his pockets. Or running a shaking hand through his hair.

The mid-wife yelled.

You don't need this sentence as we already know it is the mid-wife who is shouting. You could, however, say her weary voice seeped through the crack beneath the door and blah blah blah if you wish to spice your prologue up more

She came into the world without a single cry.

This, I believe, needs to be worked on. I know I use this word lots but try spicing it up. I shan't tell you how thought

The girl blinked then settled her eyes on the mid-wife’s face.

I know this baby is unusual then normal babies, but newborns can't focus their gaze on something. They do that after a few days or weeks. I can't remember which.

The gaze turned into a piercing stare, directly into the woman’s eyes.

Wanna spice it up? Say the baby--although I can't see a baby doing this--narrowing her eyes and the mid-wife's own eyes widen. Or something like that xD

The woman smiled at the beautiful innocent girl.

The mid-wife smiled at the baby? Wouldn't the child's stare frighten her a tad? It is slightly abnormal (although I doubt things are normal in Hades house) for a baby to do such a thing.

The mid-wife’s throat tightened suffocating her, her skin drained to a deathly white. Her eyes locked with the girl’s eyes.

Describe the mid-wife's strangled cries or the sounds to prove she's choking. Wouldn't she put a hand to her throat, trying to emphasize the fact that she can't breathe? And weren't her eyes already locked with the baby's?

Hades scooped up the baby.

Where was the baby?

The girl’s stare intensified.

As she stared at the woman over her father's arm?

Persephone waved away her blonde hair and looked at Hades,

Waved away her hair? How about pushed a strand 'cause waved doesn't seem to sit well here. And that comma should be a period

Hades sighed, “Alright,” he looked back to his daughter.

Uh...this should be written as:

Hades sighed. "Alright." He looked back to his daughter.

~~~~~~

First off, I like the idea of this piece and it certainly has plenty of potential so defiantly don't give up all hope on it!

Description~ You could defiantly use more of this. I know this is only a prologue but it doens't mean you get to be skimpy on that! Also, don't use words like "looked" too much. A thesaurus helps plenty in places like this. You could give your characters more action if need be. But I suppose they're alright they way they are now.

And you got this from a dream? I've gotten plenty of inspiration from my dreams although 3/4's of them don't make sense.

Good luck and happy editing. And if you have any questions feel free to ask me!

Meadow

Thank you Meadow! I will definitely work on my description!

It seems that Meadow covered all of the nitpicks that I saw, so I won't bore you with that. My only real critique would be to point out your characters.

I mean this is Hades, the Lord of the Underworld, and he seemed like a big softie. At least when it comes to his child and wife. I guess I just imagined him as a heartless God with absolutely no capacity to feel such a powerful emotion as love. I suppose it is hard to imagine a person who has such disregard for human life to be capable of loving. You know, the selfless love that most parents feel towards their children. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I would like Hades and his wife to be more ruthless and evil. Sort of like the baby.

Oh, that brings up another point I'd like to make. Why does the baby kill the nursemaid? What is the purpose? Why that nurse? Is she killing just to prove that she can? Or did the nursemaid do something during the labor & delivery to deserve such a punishment? I think there should be some sort of reason for the child's actions. Mindless murders, while frightening, are not quite as diabolical as meditated murder.

Good job! Keep writing!

Hello there! I'm Ben, Here are just some quick thoughts and suggestions for your work

Nick101 wrote:Prologue-


Hades' footsteps echoed in the hall. The artificial moon’s light cast down through the bay windows. Very nice, descriptive and engaging start! Hades' (double check and revise work to avoid these small grammar errors) pacing was the only thing keeping him from trembling nervously. He rang his sweaty hands together. Everything and everyone in his mansion was in full motion. I like this, there's a good sense of character and atmosphere, well done.
A door separated him from his wife; her painful screeches stabbed his heart Atmosphere is constant and there is clear plot development - very good. Hades could hear the nurses shuffling about, the mid-wife shouting for more warm water. Hades pulled at his hair when suddenly he heard the mid-wife yelling in triumph. This is good, you've shown the reader and brought him with you, I like this - very well structured.

“The baby is here!” T(lower case 't')he mid-wife yelled wearily, assuring Hades that he could come in.


Hades burst through the door nearly tripping on his holocaust cloak. He saw the baby girl in the mid-wife’s arms. A silence came over the room except for the breathes of Persephone, Hades wife. Nice atmosphere and flawless grammar wise. The baby girl’s black eyes were open to the world. Love this! She came into the world without a single cry. The girl blinked then settled her eyes on the mid-wife’s face. The gaze turned into a piercing stare, directly into the woman’s eyes. Never in her life had a baby's eyes seem so ancient. A power resorted in the child. The woman smiled nervously at the beautiful innocent girl. Beautifully well written, there is strong character development and you haven't info-dumped us which is fantastic, you've shown us. The mid-wife’s throat tightened suffocating her, her skin drained to a deathly white. The woman gasped for breath, foam formed at the edges of her mouth. Her eyes forever locked with the girl’s eyes. Woah! Now you've gripped the reader and there is tension and drama, this is a good bit of writing.

“Hades, what is going on?” Persephone’s tired voice trembled. Try to make her seem more panicked, naturalise the situation a little more - act out the events in your head. She tried sitting up.
Hades scooped up the baby from the mid-wife. The mid-wife clawed at her throat unable to breathe. She could feel the last millimeter of her airway closing. Looking over her father's arm, the girl’s stare intensified. This is so well written - you were being modest! The atmosphere is shown to us fabulously and the plot is strong! The woman fell to the floor dead, but her eyes still locked with the girl's. This is very dramatic so you need to be careful not to jump the atmosphere to a change as this will lose the grip. The baby dropped her gaze and the woman's eyes rolled to the side and her eyelids closed. A few nurses gasped. Hades worriedly looked at his daughter then at the woman and smiled. You've handled the plot well here.

“She has the power of death, my love!” Hades held up the baby and spun around, happily chuckling. Now we feel the fantasy, this is an excellent way of showing genre to your reader. You've motored the plot with character development, a way of writing I really enjoy! He came next to Persephone - who laid on the dis-crumpled bedsheets- change "-" to commas - grammar and placed the girl in her arms. Persephone wrapped the girl in a blanket and lovingly smiled at her child. Hades signaled the nurse to leave, they carried away the dead woman, already knowing that her soul was being judged. Hades sat next to Persephone, beaming with pride and admiration. Lovely, the reader shares the emotions with your characters and they're pulled into the story. Be careful not to lose the grip though!

“What shall we name her?” He rested his chin on her shoulders. Good, actions are key to scenes like this.
Persephone chuckled, “I thought you didn’t want a daughter?” She gently swept her fingers around the child’s face.
“I never said I didn’t want a girl, just that I preferred a boy. But this girl has the power of death! And remarkable beauty!”
Persephone waved away a strand of blonde hair and looked at Hades. “What if she didn’t have the power of death?”
“Well, then she would still have her mother’s beauty.” Hades kissed Persephone.
“Better,” Persephone grinned. Persephone's my favourite character! Love the personality you've created for her through dialogue.
“So, what shall we call her?”
“Labitina.”
“A Roman name!” Hades boomed perturbed.
“The definition of Labitina : corpse, funerals, and death. Labitina, she shall be called,” Persephone stated firmly. Woah! Interesting name choice with those definitions, but okay I see where you're going with it and the important thing is that it works!
Hades sighed. “Alright.” He looked back to his daughter, “Welcome to the Underworld, Labitina.”
Labitina sneezed. Her parents laughed. The two parents cooed at their daughter like a child with a puppy.

Haha! What a great way to end - Overall: Fantastic - I want more!



This is something I dreamed of and I’m not sure if I should continue on this. Please critique, and be harsh! (I know my description wasn't on full here, I'm sorry.)