Aradel's Daughter Chapter VIII

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Chapter VIII - Planned
The last days past in preparations and planning. It was decided that At the dawn of the next day, someone would have to set out to go after Terrin, when he was at his weakest point, but who that person would be, was a subject of high debate.
"Obviously I should go," Bryn said calmly, "I am the only immortal here, and therefore if I am killed it will be no large loss to Aradel."
"No, I will go," Tristan said firmly, "I am the leader of Aradel, and I must make a leaders choices, I will go."
Cela stayed silent through the night. But just before dawn the next day, she woke with a start.
She'd been dreaming about her father really and truly dying, after she had only just met him again. She couldn't stand to lose him yet again. So she ran a plan through her head as she dressed.
She would go. She thought to herself, as she remembered her favorite quote by Steve Jobs 'Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment of failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.' It inspired her, and kept her head straight as she made the fateful decision to leave.
Except how would she get there? It had taken her and Bryn days even with her inhuman speed. Except, when Cela thought back, they had gone in circles. A lot, mostly to confuse the other vampires. And she confirmed this fact when she stepped outside and saw the mountains just ahead of her.
Cela grabbed a backpack off of the kitchen table, and slid some dried meat and fresh vegetables inside it. Next she grabbed some spare clothes, she was ready.
Grabbing her new present from her father, a thick woolen cloak, she went out the door. She pulled the cowl of the cloak over her head, casting shadows over her face. Cela slung the bag over her shoulder, and headed into the woods, towards the mountains.
Her head was held high as she walked through the woods. She did not know what she planned to do, she had no weapons to face her brother with, and she could not go back. She could hear her name being faintly called behind her.
She picked up her pace, walking fast up the side of the mountain, she had to reach Terrin. Soon the calls of her father were far behind her, and at last she had to stop and rest.
She sat and gathered her breath, when out of nowhere a figure appeared in the shadows of the trees.
“Who are you?” Cela questioned, and with that Bryn stepped out of the trees. “Oh my god, Bryn!” She ran up to Bryn and hugged her, happy to see the familiar face.
“Hello Cela.” Bryn replied, “I see you are running away.”
“No, Bryn, you don't get it--” She began, until she realized that Bryn was only joking.
“Don't fret Cela, I came to help you.” Bryn smiled, “I know how you feel. You think that you have to put your self in place of your father. I understand, it's okay. I simply thought you might rather like a ride in comparison to walking.”
“Oh Bryn, that's so nice of you, but you know, I think I have to do this by myself.” Cela said with no regret in her voice.
“Well, at least accept this gift from me,” Bryn replied, pulling out a bow and quiver full of arrows from her back, “I know Salenca taught you how to shoot when you lived with her, and from what I hear, you are pretty damn good.”
“Thanks Bryn,” Cela replied, a grin on her face, “That is a good idea. I shall very thankfully accept your gift.” Bryn handed the weapons over to Cela to inspect, and on the outside of the quiver she found a small pouch containing a small dagger and some medicine.
She bowed politely at Bryn and started up the mountain once more. Bryn had still been standing behind her, but when she looked back the small vampire was very long gone from her view.
The trek up the mountain lands took Cela a good half of the day. At that point she was too tired to continue, and ate a stick of venison jerky as she sat for a while.
Her stamina recovered, she set off once again. The farther up she got, the colder the air was. Once again the frigid air worked it's way through her woolen cloak, chilling her to the bone.
At last she reached a set of stone stairs, that eased her journey up the mountain. She was in no doubt, walking directly into Xavier's clutches. She did not even consider Terrin to be a threat, simply because he very well hoped that her leaving had been timed correctly, and he was indeed at his weakest point.
None the less, as she climbed the steps she strung her bow, and made sure that her arrows were in easy reach. She was just beginning to feel the ache of climbing steps in the back of her calves, and she decided it was time to stop for the night.
Carved into the side of the mountain there were several open-mouthed caves, looking like very deadly mouths with all the stalagmites and stalactites framing the entrances.
Cela chose a cave near the stairs, not to out of the way that she would not be able to find her way out again. She walked inside, and let her bag and quiver fall off onto the ground, she tucked herself into a crack near the cave's mouth, and pulled out some food, enjoying what could be her last meal.
After eating she farther examined the bow from Bryn. It looked simple, but was of excellent make, of such high quality that Cela knew that it was not machine-made, she had only ever seen such once before, her fathers bow.
It was her fathers bow, it all made sense now. Bryn had taken it from Tristan as to give Cela time. Time to do what she must do.
***
Okay, it's up!!!! (most obviously)
She wrote herself wings and flew away...




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:sigh: It seems that we've both got the same problem. No one will review our stories, except a few close friends, oh well that's life huh?

Now back to the review.
Hope you like it!
:P

The Review

It was decided that at the dawn of the next day, someone would have to set out to go after Terrin, when he was at his weakest point, but who that person would be, was still a subject of high debate.


1. At should be in simple letter :P
2. Add still before a because you already vaguely gave a hint that no one would be willing to go and fight Terrin in the last chapter.

"No, I will go," Tristan said firmly, "I am the leader of Aradel, and I must make a leaders choices, I will go."


I think there should be no s in choices.

So she ran a plan through her head as she dressed.


Ran a Plan through her head???
You sure these first two words go together hand in hand in this sentence?

She would go. She thought to herself, as she remembered her favorite quote by Steve Jobs 'Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment of failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.' It inspired her, and kept her head straight as she made the fateful decision to leave.


Well done! It's very rare for a story give us words of wisdom (even if it is taken from others :P). But you should have understood the body of this quote and written it in such a way that gives the reader that your MC understood it by herself, instead of just pasting it in. This would have made the story much more interesting and would have made the reader rarely forget this story. A small trick many author use to gain fame :P . Anyway, I'm just rambling with no sanity at all, ignore my cheating tip and walk on a much cleaner road :) I advise you not to be a cheap writer and be a clean, good writer.

“Well, at least accept this gift from me,” Bryn replied, pulling out a bow and quiver full of arrows from her back, “I know Salenca taught you how to shoot when you lived with her, and from what I hear, you arewere pretty damn good.”


Bryn heard this from Sal before, in the past, thus it should be were.

Cela chose a cave near the stairs, not to out of the way that she would not be able to find her way out again.


Okay this doesn't make sense. I now what your trying to say, that she chose a cave not too far away so she could find her was out again, but its been phrased incorrectly.

Try-

Cela chose a cave near the stairs, not too out of the way so she would be able to find her way out again.

Or

Cela chose a cave near the stairs, not too out of the way so as to find her way out again.

Or

Cela chose a cave near the stairs, close enough to find her way out again.


...she had only ever seen such once before, her fathers bow.

It was her fathers bow, it all made sense now. Bryn had taken it from Tristan as to give Cela time. Time to do what she must do.


Again, you've phrased it incorrectly. Try to increase the surprise and reduce the confusion of the reader. You've ended one sentence stating that you had seen one other hand made bow, Tristan's bow. Then you begin the next sentence stating that it is Tristan's bow. This is kinda confusing, at least to me. Try this-

...she had only ever seen such once before, her fathers bow.

It all made sense now, it wasItalicize it if you want to increase emphasis. her fathers bow, . Bryn had taken it from Tristan as to give Cela time. Time to do what she must do.


Okay, it's up!!!! (most obviously)


Yup, :P Its certainly up and reviewed by the one and only friendly YWS Fire (love my intro line :P)

Characters

Well, nothing much to say about characters as there was barely any interaction between them in this chapter. But I suggest you try writing the thoughts of the MC as she climbs the mountain. That was all I missed.

Pace

Now this, was indeed very fast in the middle of the chapter. Almost fast enough to render the reader confused (if that made sense). Try to slow down the pace by explaining the journey (not too much detail though or it'll get too boring), how she felt on her journey and how she felt about Terrin and the other characters. Okay?

Comments And Anything Else


Well, for the anything else I'd have to repeat what I always say when I see a absolutely great story with an interesting plot that has no vivid surroundings. To tell you the truth, I lack the talent to write about vivid surrounding too. so I fill in this... infirmity by explaining the surroundings in detail whenever I can, of course many writers spot my infirmity anyway, but hey, I tried didn't I?

So if that's the case with you, then try just explaining the surroundings, like when she entered the, how large were the trees? And the floor? Was it damp, covered in leaves? how high were the tress as Cela saw them? The shadows it cast? etc etc.

For the comments, well I can see that your story is coming to an end. Do Not Disappoint me with a worthless ending! I expect the highest from you and nothing less... or more :P but anyway, good luck writing the End, its mostly the part where the writers true skill is shown(I'm exaggerating by the way, I tend to do so when excited :P). Good luck!

Oh and by the way, you still haven't answered my question. Does your Username mean what i think it means?

Hope you liked my review, PM me for further questions and when you post the next chapter.

Good Luck!
Keep Writing,
Well done... as usual!!!


Oh yes, I almost forgot a very crucial point. You can't expect others to review your story if you don't review their stories. Your review count is three while this chapter is your eleventh post (I think). Increase you review count so that it will adhere to the YWS review ratio of 3:1 (three being the reviews). But most users like to surpass this. I strongly advise you to start reviewing a little and you're sure to get much more reviews, unlike me :sigh:.(For some reason, seems that no one loves me :()

-Your one and only Friendly YWS Fire (Yes that's me, for those who haven't noticed :P)-
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"



what are stories if not just vehicles for the pain of your own heart
— soundofmind