Fatal Velocity: Ch.1

"Liz! Hurry up! You can check your email when you get home! I heard the bus!" My mom yelled from downstairs.
I logged of my laptop and pulled out my IPod Touch. Opening the new email, I whispered, "This may be it." This is what it said:
Dear Liz,
12/13/08
Love,
Jace
P.S.- Oh yeah, um... 9:00 AM.
4 real this time,
Jace.
"Yes!" I shouted a little too loud.
"What do you mean, yes?"
I ran into the bathroom and fixed up for the third time. Jace was my best friend, Jason. He had to move away when I was twelve and he thirteen. I haven't seen him in five years. Today was December 13th, 2008. 9:00 was in three hours. Checking my teeth, I remembered that he loved me, along with his brother, Alex, and I loved him. They both broke my heart when they left. I put my IPod away and skipped two steps at a time down the stairs. My mother was standing by the front door, holding my back-pack.
"You'd better hurry. I just heard it." She told me as I grabbed the bag and rushed out the door.
I couldn't wait until I saw him! Would he be the same?

Anne Taylor stood at the door, asking herself why her daughter, Liz, was so slow before but flew out the door as if a giant Rottweiler was chasing after her. Anne walked up to Liz's room, extremely suspicious. She logged back on to the laptop that had been flung among the unmade bed and was almost given a heart-attack when she read what her daughter had been so enthusiastic about. Running out of the room and down the stairs, she grabbed her phone and began to dial the numbers she knew by heart.
"Hello?"
"Leon, he's coming for her!"

I looked out the bus window, daydreaming again.
"Liz, I promise I'll come back. You can't leave half yourself behind forever...I promise."
That's what Jason said before losing it and running away. I wiped away an oncoming tear from the memory and looked around. Several girls were texting their friends, a few emo guys were struggling to find their scissors, and a couple others were trying not to fall back to sleep. Looking back out my window, I started to think. My mom hated Jason and Alex. She claims it's because they broke my heart, but I know it's something more. She's hiding something. Crap! I left my email open on my computer. Did she check it?

"Just go and get her, Anne. Bring her here and we'll protect her." Leon Bentley proposed.
He needed West. He needed payback. Anne knows he'll catch him so her daughter would be free. Leon had plans for Liz Taylor. Lots of plans.

"Jason, good Lord brother! Just hurry up! Focus on one thing at a time!" Jason's brother, Alex West, told him.
"Okay, it's just I haven't seen her in five years, Alex. Five years! I regret each moment away." Jason said into his phone.
"I know, Jace. Just take it one by one."
"Fine. Bye." Jason told his twenty-two year old brother, hanging up.
"Why do I even ask him?" He whispered to himself, driving on the highway.

I got real nervous when I realized the stupid mistake I made. What if she reads it? She hates Jace! She hates the one I love! The bus stopped and I walked to homeroom. I got my books as the bell rang and speed-walked to 1st period. Taking out my phone behind my desk out of the teacher's view, I started to text. What if she didn't read it? I put the phone away and tried to focus on Trigonometry. I couldn't concentrate. I had too much on my mind. Way too much.

I logged of my laptop and pulled out my IPod Touch. Opening the new email, I whispered, "This may be it." This is what it said:
Dear Liz,
12/13/08
Love,
Jace
P.S.- Oh yeah, um... 9:00 AM.
4 real this time,
Jace.

It should be 'off' instead of 'of'. Secondly, I hate it when people include emails, texts, or IM's in their writing. But its all a style thing, so feel free to include it. The comma after 'whispered' should be a colon (:).

He had to move away

Try: 'he moved away', try to use as few 'had' as possible, its icky.

I haven't seen him in five years.

You switched from past (I ran, I walked, I sang) to present tense (I run, I walk, I sing), so it should me I "had not", instead of "haven't" (also try to keep contractions to a minimum, they shouldn't appear in formal writing except in dialogue).

Today was December 13th, 2008. 9:00 was in three hours.

You don't really need to have the date, just say that 9 O'clock was in three hours.

Checking my teeth, I remembered that he loved me, along with his brother, Alex, and I loved him.

Can 12 year old's really love? And did he love Alex or did you?

I couldn't wait

Should be 'could not'.

Anne Taylor

I'd recommend using a different name that Anne Taylor. That's a name of a formal clothing store, just so you know.

She logged back on to the laptop

Would a girl suddenly getting ready for school faster really constitute her mother hacking into her laptop? To be honest, my mother knows to NEVER do that. Its such an invasion of privacy. She'd only do it if I'd run away or something.

"Leon, he's coming for her!"

Okay, I'm really excited for the rest of the story now. Haha.

I looked out the bus window, daydreaming again.

a few emo guys were struggling to find their scissors

That's just really dumb, I'm sorry. Doesn't really add humor or anything. Kinda ruined the story. I'm not emo at all, but I just find it really rude.

Crap! I left my email open on my computer. Did she check it?

Okay, why would she even suspect that her mother had checked her email? This is kind of a plot hole for me.

"Just go and get her, Anne. Bring her here and we'll protect her." Leon Bentley proposed.
He needed West. He needed payback. Anne knows he'll catch him so her daughter would be free. Leon had plans for Liz Taylor. Lots of plans.

What the heck? Who is Leon?

Jason told his twenty-two year old brother

How old are they now? It seems funky that Liz, who seems to be 14-15, would be hanging out with people in their twenties.

tried to focus on Trigonometry

Jeez, she's in trig? Seriously, how old is this kid?

It was very interesting, just kinda confusing, I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with it.

Hey, thanks for the recommendations and comments. You asked a couple of questions so I'll answer them. Liz is 17 years old and Jason is 18. Liz suspects that her mother would check her email because of the change of mood: She was really slow and sluggish, but after she saw the email she was happy and excited. Leon, which you'll see later on in my writings, is the bad guy in the story.
Thanks for the help!
Imagination

Hey, Imagination. I saw you were new to this site, so I'd like to welcome you. My name is Jared, and I've taken a look over your piece. It is good--thrilling even. You have captured my interest so far, but there are a few things that I would like to point out.

I ran into the bathroom and fixed up 'fixed up' is such a vague expression. I, personally, would describe what she fixed up. for the third time. Jace was my best friend, Jason The first time I read this, I was confused as to who she loved. Jace, or Jason? They are clearly the same person, so I would either change it or get rid of the sentence. If you are going to switch around his name quite often (saying Jace instead of Jason, or vice versa) I would consider reworking this sentence. If, choose a name and stick with it.. He had to move away when I was twelve and he Insert the word "was" here thirteen. I haven't This is one of the errors that I will mention down at the bottom. You switched tenses here. It should be, "I hadn't" and not "I haven't" seen him in five years. Today was December 13th, 2008. 9:00 was in three hours. Checking my teeth, I remembered that he loved me, This is awkward. Why would she remember that he loves her when she checks her teeth? along with his brother, Alex, and I loved him. They both broke my heart when they left. I put my IPod iPod is spelt with a lowercased 'i' and a capital "P" away and skipped two steps at a time down the stairs I would reword this "I skipped down the stairs two steps at a time. My mother was standing by the front door, holding my back-pack.

I won't go through each paragraph, because I don't want to waste your time with corrections that are easily fixed. I wanted to give you a rundown on how I felt with this piece.

You switched tenses quite frequently. This is bad. If you are going to be writing in past tense ("I ran to the store" instead of "I run to the store", or "My mot5her bought some milk" instead of "My mother is buying some milk"), you must stick with past tense the entire time. Don't worry--it's easily fixed. Read through this aloud, and if you catch yourself slipping on the tenses, you can change it. Actually, always read your writing aloud. It really, honestly does help. I do it all the time. You catch so many more mistakes.

In this small opening passage, you have four stories going on simultaneously. It is quite difficult to understand and feel what is happening when you have this going on. It almost feels rushed, like you're trying to get to the good parts as quickly as you can. Don't. Slow down. Expand each part. Maybe even make it into their own chapter. Every character deserves their time to shine, and when they are all combined into one small chapter like this, they don't get that opportunity, and thus the characters seem flat. We want well-rounded characters. Characters that speak to us, the reader. We want to read characters that we can become emotionally attached to. I know how it is being a writer. When you're writing a novel, you are incredibly attached to your characters, but you have to make that emotional link to come through your words.

I think you are doing great so far. Please continue posting them, and please PM me when you do. I'd love to take a look at the next chapter.

-Jared

Hi! Welcome to YWS. My name's Karma, and I'll be reviewing your story today! Okay, now to your piece. The other reviewer got most of the things I noticed, but a few more notes:

I logged of my laptop and pulled out my IPod Touch. Opening the new email, I whispered, "This may be it." This is what it said:

I spot a plot hole here, you say she logged off the laptop, but later her email is open for her mom to see. Another thing, I think it's unnecessary to mention the iPod Touch. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like product placement or saying "Look how awesome my character is, she has an iPod Touch!" Why not just have her check it on her computer? Last, I would cut the "This is what it said." It's clunky. Just put the email in italics/bold, and we'll know what it is.

Anne Taylor stood at the door, asking herself why her daughter, Liz, was so slow before but flew out the door as if a giant Rottweiler was chasing after her.

I know you explained this, but it still is a huge WTF to me. Her daughter was just checking her email and then her hair, makeup, etc, or was tired, then realized she was running late, and ran out the door. I do it every single morning, and it doesn't call for snooping unless her mother is super paranoid. Like, medically paranoid.

"Leon, he's coming for her!"

Yes! This is a great hook!

That's what Jason said before losing it and running away.

Running away from her while they were talking, or running away from home? Clarify, because I thought he just moved.

a few emo guys were struggling to find their scissors

To reiterate what the above poster said, this is offensive. I'm not emo, but that makes it no less offensive.

My mom hated Jason and Alex. She claims it's because they broke my heart, but I know it's something more

Once again, this is WTF worthy. I thought they had to move. They were teenagers, and cannot in any way help that they moved. If this isn't the reason they broke her heart, then elaborate, because you give us no background. It's one of the major flaws of this piece.

Anne knows

Tense change, should be Anne knew.

"Jason, good Lord brother! Just hurry up! Focus on one thing at a time!" Jason's brother, Alex West, told him.

What is he doing? This is kind of annoying, because you have all dialogue in this scene, and hardly any description of what the hell is going on!

"Why do I even ask him?" He whispered to himself, driving on the highway.

Ask him what? I'm so confused, and not in a good, "let's read more and find out!" way.

I got real nervous when I realized the stupid mistake I made. What if she reads it? She hates Jace! She hates the one I love!

Two things. One, why would she be nervous that her mother is looking at her computer. Does she do that often? If not then your explanation does not hold up in any way. Teens change moods all the time. Trust me. Her mother should know that. Also: Love, really? Really? First, can you really love when your twelve, and have hardly even hit puberty? You're so not emotionally mature then, and if she's seventeen she should have moved past him if she hasn't seen him in five years. And about that, in five years people can change so much, they're not even recognizable. (And I don't mean physically!)

And lastly! I know, you're glad I'm finishing up.

I started to text.

Text who? Her mother? Say it then, and say what she wants to say. If it's not her mother, and not important, then don't put it in.

Okay, overall it was a good story. I want to know what's next really badly! But I would add in some clarification of exactly what the situation is. And some descriptions of people and settings. Also, it's basically just jumping from one POV to the next, which makes it better for a prologue, not a chapter. In the next chapters try to keep it in just Liz's POV. You can add others in, um, maybe between chapters? I would do that. Because what you have is nice in this context, but could get annoying real fast.

Anyway, it has promise, so keep writing! I'll read if you write anymore. PM me or post here with questions, and I hope I helped!

Edit: And I forgot, I love love love your title. It's what drew me to the story.

Edit again: I just read Jared's review, and in his second to last paragraph, the one about it feeling rushed, it had everything I wanted to say, but didn't know how to. That sounded cheesy, but listen to him.
~Karma