Toilet Humour (2)

Part (1)

--------------------------------------------------------

[temp deleted]

--------------------------------------------------------

So ... uh, yeah. That's the story.
This won't be up long, so I won't be surprised if it doesn't get any reviews - but if it does, I shall give you a virtual hug.

Why won't you keep it up? I don't have enough time to really review it, but I've read all of your stories so far, the Rape Tunnel ones and these two and really like them! So, if you do put anymore up, I'll read them
Gold Star for you!

Hey there Surreal. Okay, so I read through part one very quickly today (I didn’t have much time to go over it in a lot of detail because class was ending) but I did want to review part two a bit more. I did like one, and I liked the idea that all of this is taking place in a bathroom. It’s an unusual setting. But it’s very unique.

The toilet door opens, and another girl enters. She stops as soon as she’s inside, stares at me, then at Harley throwing up, then says, ‘Ooooh-kay’ - [/b]then[/b] turns and leaves again.

‘then’ feels very repetitive here. And I actually don’t think you need either of them to be honest.

The door opens again, and another two girls enter, one black, one asian, both of them giggling. Neither of them seem bothered my presence.

Three things here. Okay, the first bolded would sound a little cleaner as: ‘and a pair of girls entered.’ ‘another’ just seems out of place here.
Second, Asian should be capitalized.
Third is the second bolded section. Did you mean: ‘bothered by my presence.’ ?

The problem I have with this is that, especially through the end, with all of these characters, things get a little confusing though it does do good in adding to the chaotic, emotional feeling that the MC is approaching towards the end.

Still, though, this isn’t bad. Just maybe remember to watch it for repetition because there were multiple instances where words seemed to appear a bit over used.

Also, can anyone explain to my why girls spend so much time talking to each other in the bathroom. It’s like that at school. I’ll walk into the bathroom after lunch and there are like, eight or nine girls just chilling in the bathroom. Ha, random.