Together Forever

A single tear, for a single lover,
rolls down her pretty face.
It's been a year, but he said forever,
yet forever has come in vain.

A broken organ, that beat again,
faltered and finally stopped.
A whispered word rolls off her lips,
the last thing she said was 'love'.

A faded picture, kept forever,
falls out of his tear sodden hands.
He missed the days when they were together,
he missed seeing her face in the stands.

A loaded gun, a bright red sin,
he placed it on his head.
Her ghost appears, she says to him,
"Don't end it because of my death."

A forgotten lover, saved his life,
yet she doesn't know why.
He stares at her, an Earthen tie,
And forever more they cry.

Some of the commas in this piece didn't seem quite necessary, but don't take my word for it, because I could be wrong. I thought over all this was pretty good, although it's just my personal thing that I'm not much of a fan of rhyming, but that's nothing to do with you, that's all me right there. Also, the idea wasn't the most unique idea in the world. But, having said all that, I don't want you to think that I didn't like this because I did and it was pretty good. I like how the emotions in this were very nicely conveyed.

Hey there,

As Ego mentioned, the idea behind this isn't particularly original, and in it being such a common theme, it gets a bit boring. The suicidal love theme of this detracted my interest from the poem, instead of holding it steady, and I found myself paying more attention to how your structured this than what you mean.

To be honest, I would take this poem down -- piece by piece and slowly put it back together. There are too many cliches in this for this to be readily enjoyable -- the broken organ, red sin, gun, all of this, and even in the way of themes, you're not giving us much substance.

Months back, when I reviewed more on here, I often used to tell people that love poems aren't particularly interesting because we're seldom given reasons to care about the character's angst. We need reasons -- back up the claims, let us know what went wrong and such forth.

While we do need a little inkling for something other than love to want to care about these characters your poem features, I'm not telling you to dive into a backstory. Poetry is mostly about impression -- what you can tell your audience in far little space than a story could. Here, Ipretty much interpreted that someway or another, these characters fell in love, went wrong, fell out of love and boom. Suicide.

I think you should revise this, dear. It's not exactly poor writ, but in technical areas, I felt that it could have been done a bit better. Best of luck!

June

What am it to critique in this poem is the concept which i dont think make sense at all, a poem should be clear with few words but what i see here i dont understand. But i belive you are trying to explain the feeling of a man who lost his love to death, correct me if am wrong.
The confusion is in stanza 1 and 2 the rest were clear and i loved them. Keep up the good work and welcome to YWS

Well, you've had all the comments on technicalities and such of poetry, so I, as a non poet, will comment on the feel and the concept of this piece without the perhaps distracting problems with the structure. (since I can't comment on the structure at all)

I can say that I enjoyed this poem very much. I might have got the story wrong, but, poetry along with all other types of artwork is meant to be open to interpretation. I loved the story that your words created in my mind and that's all that I have to say. It was tender and softly worded, I liked it. And, to do with the clichés; I didn't even notice them! I loved it. Or maybe they're strictly poetry cliché. I don't know... But I enjoyed reading it, and that's the point, right?

~Ash~

over all i love the concept and the poem itself. it has a powerful image and has powerful emotion.
one thing i would work on are these lines;

A whispered word rolls off her lips,
the last thing she said was 'love'

and

Her ghost appears, she says to him,
"Don't end it because of my death."

i just think it doesnt flow well with the rest of the poem. maybe if you reworded it , it'd sound better. but then again, it's your decision, not mine.
i love your poem! also merry Christmas!

Riot_starter wrote:A single tear, for a single lover,
rolls down her pretty face.
It's been a year, but he said forever,
yet forever has come in vain.

I really didn't like this stanza-- not that it was bad, but it was the weakest in your poem and it started the piece. I am usually a fan of cutting the fat, but I think you do need a stanza in the front-- you can't just jump to the second stanza. So I would suggest a remake.
besides that, I say great job. I actually really enjoyed this piece, I didn't see it all that cliche.
Actually, I just now had an epiphany and decided there is no such thing as a cliche. There are only idea done well and those done poorly.
And your poem was done extremely well.
xxooxx
keep writing
The universe

Hi, Riot!

This poem is very nice. It has lovely rhymes and a nice sound to it, and your grammar and punctuation is great. Only one thing bugs me.

Her ghost appears, she says to him,
"Don't end it because of my death."

The second line seems off...what I mean is it seems too long or like it has too many syllables. Maybe you should re-word it?

Otherwise, I really enjoyed your poem. It's very nice and has a lovely sound to it.

Good luck, and keep writing!

~Firearris