Insomia - Prologue

PROLOGUE:
The rumbling of thunder and gentle pitter-patter of raindrops, have never felt so relaxing, so...soothing, than it did on this very night. I watched as each drop, collided with the window and began its journey down the glass surface, disappearing behind the milky-white window pane. Often, I would imagine the drops as tiny, little racers, speeding down, trying to reach that finish line; with me encouraging them along the way. The sound of a low rumble from overhead, alerted my senses, but put my mind at ease. The rate, at which my eyes were blinking, quickly drew to a halt, as my subconscious sneaked into place.

My mind was steadily soaking in what was happening all around me. The mental energy draining as my internal clock rewound itself. As my day was drawing to a close, a scent filled the room. It was a scent that was all too familiar, even with my body shutting down. I sniffed, trying to sample what my mind was sensing but my body wasn’t. It was the smell of sweet, enriching peppermint lavender, filling the room. My ears picked up the sound of not so distant footsteps. I wanted to look, but the left side of my face was embedded into the pillow, so I just continued to lie there. A few seconds past, and the footsteps came to a stop. For some odd reason, I didn’t turn around, because I knew what was to come. Two seconds passed, three, then four.

Then the moment finally arrived. My face was greeted with the warm, nimble feeling, as four fingers swept across the right side of my face. Then through my thick, brown hair, it felt very satisfying. Suddenly, out of nowhere, with no reason whatsoever entered a heavenly voice. So tranquil, so calm, did it enter my ears. “Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you mockingbird...” I wanted to sing along with her, but the mood was so peaceful, I didn’t want to disrupt the symphony that was going on in my heart. I finally turned around, to face those sea-green eyes, as they twinkled at me in the darkness. I couldn’t help but smirk at the wide grin that drew across her face as she gazed at me. “I love you son, I have always loved you, and I always will.” Those were the words I most desperately need to hear, because I knew that there was someone in this world who loved me. “I love you too mom”, I said, without a moment of hesitation. She smiled yet again, drove her fingers through my hair, and rose up for departure. I watched her gracefully walk over to the frame of my door; she turned around once more. “Goodnight Luke”, she said with a whisper. Then she turned around and disappeared into the darkness of the hallway ahead.

She left me to myself, and with her, all of my troubles, aches, and pains. Those few words rested upon me, as I once again buried by face in to the still warm pillow. Unbeknownst to me…that those were the last words I would ever hear from her.

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Now, onto your story.

The first thing I noticed were the commas, really. They are everywhere, and a lot of them really don't need to be there. When you read the story through it sounds jarring because there are breaks where you really don't want them! I'll point out a couple of examples for you.

The rumbling of thunder and gentle pitter-patter of raindrops, have never felt so relaxing

Mmhmm, don't need that comma.

The sound of a low rumble from overhead, alerted my senses, but put my mind at ease

You don't really need either of those commas, but the first one should definitely go.

The rate, at which my eyes were blinking, quickly drew to a halt, as my subconscious sneaked into place.

Seriously, read this out loud to yourself. Now, you'll probably notice that it just sounds weird when you pause at the commas! That's because they shouldn't be there.

I don't want to point out all of the misuses, so if you just read it through then I'm pretty sure you'll be able to catch a load.

Other nitpicks:

Often, I would imagine the drops as tiny, little racers, speeding down, trying to reach that finish line; with me encouraging them along the way.

Replace the semi-colon with a comma, I think.

My mind was steadily soaking in what was happening all around me. The mental energy draining as my internal clock rewound itself. As my day was drawing to a close, a scent filled the room. It was a scent that was all too familiar, even with my body shutting down. I sniffed, trying to sample what my mind was sensing but my body wasn’t.

The way you've written all of this just feels way too awkward. Take the line "The mental energy draining as my internal clock rewound itself." Sure, I love the idea of the clock, but it doesn't make too much sense. What mental energy? It just feels strange for the reader, really.
Also, you've rushed it slightly. I feel like the story is moving along, but there's little or nothing in between the plot to make it stand out of to draw the reader in.

Something else, too. Your style of writing seems like it's trying to be sophisticated, in a way, and it's written in a way that actually isolates the story from the reader. You've used imagery, you've used thoughts, but they're all phrased separately and choppily so that the reader doesn't connect with your character. The thing is, here it seems like you're writing about a child, but we aren't really getting any sense of a small boy wanting to be loved from the way that you're writing this. It all seems a little too factual, a little too careful, to make the reader connect with your character at all. I'd like to see you make the story more personal. Add in some thoughts, add in some body language. Whatever you want really, I'm just suggesting!

I do like the last line though! Now the reader really wants to know more, so if you just work on the things I've pointed out then I'm sure it'll turn into a wonderful prologue!

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Hello! Aquamarine made some amazing points there, especially about the way you write. Isolating the reader is a very easy thing to do when you have a good idea in your head. Maybe ask the reader some rhetorical questions for them to think about, hold some information back right until the end so the reader has a sense of 'why didn't I think of that?' when they get to the final line of that chapter. It might just draw them back for enough page. And another. So....

. I couldn’t help but smirk at the wide grin that drew across her face as she gazed at me. “I love you son, I have always loved you, and I always will.” Those were the words I most desperately need to hear, because I knew that there was someone in this world who loved me. “I love you too mom”, I said, without a moment of hesitation.

Sorry, but it is really important for me to point out that everytime a new reader starts speaking, a new line must begin!

I watched as each drop, collided with the window and began its journey down the glass surface, disappearing behind the milky-white window pane. Often, I would imagine the drops as tiny, little racers, speeding down, trying to reach that finish line; with me encouraging them along the way.

You have quite a few un-needed commas in here, its on the verge of becoming a group of 'run-away sentences'. Maybe some connective words could help?

Its the little things that always get the best writers, I really think this has a lot of potential. Will be checking in to read more!

Forgottenfallen x