Toujours

I don't really like punctuation, I would rather have not put it in but oh well. >.< Ignore it if you'd like.

You were 20 feet away,
In squared feet at least.
Our bodies breathed in sync;
Our lips lonely and pink.

I imagined what your thoughts would say
If your mind weren't asleep.
Could all the memories we'd just made
Keep me from being afraid?

It was too early to be today,
So I should have let you sleep.
I tried to wait a little longer here,
Reminisced on our last two years.

I let my thoughts go astray,
Put my body in control,
Told it to show me where I belong,
Made it promise my heart isn't wrong.

You were 2 inches away
And I couldn't get you close enough.
Moments ago we finally knew-
Moments from now I'll still always love you

I like this, it's very deep and meaningful and you'v got some good flow there.

I'd suggest maybe adding a little imagery here, it would make it sound much more lyrical.

"It was too early to be today" <-- I don't understand that line, did you mean too early to be UP?

Generally I like it, but be careful when writing romantic because it can get a little too cliche and no-one likes too much cliche

Hello there!

Interesting rhyme scheme you have here. I can't tell if the usage of slants and imperfects was intended here, dear, but read this over -- the scheme seemed a bit tipped to me, and while it's not bad, there was something off about it that halted my ability to enjoy it.

To be honest, I don't like the usage of filler lines to complete a rhyme, such as the second line, first stanza, here. I'm not too sure if this was added in for body or rhyme or even both, dear, but to be honest, I feel you can do without it. Try not to have lines that weigh your poem back -- the ones that matter most are those that propel your poem forward.

Echoing what Anna said, do be careful when writing Romantic poetry -- unless projected in a unique way, it comes off as cliche, dear, and cliches are never much for holding interest.

Not bad -- keep it up.

June

I enjoyed the poem, myself.
First, in response to what other people said... the line "It was too early to be today" means, at least to me, that the narrator didn't want that certain day to arrive. She instead wishes that she could put it off, even if just for a little while.

I don't know exactly what the "in squared feet at least" means, it would be nice to either rewrite that or elaborate on it so it's more understandable. But from my perspective, it seems more like you're lying to yourself that the person is either closer or farther than they really are. I don't know how right I am about that.

Now, I don't think that everything needs to be rhymed. In a way, it does help with the flow of the poem, and it seems to be a stylistic choice with you. There is one line that stuck out for me in that sense "our bodies breathed in sync/our lips lonely and pink". If your body breathes in sync with someone, I get the image of them being close, not lonely. It might be good to see how certain lines tie in to the rest of the story.

In response to what Juniper said ("Try not have lines that weigh your poem back..."), a practice that I find helpful is that after you write a line, get into the habit of thinking "Does this help portray the story that I'm trying to convey?" and if it doesn't then take it out, or rewrite it. I just thought I'd say that because she didn't really give much information on how to fix such a thing like that.

To be honest however, I didn't think that there was much filler in this poem. I think that there are just some problems in tying certain lines together to the rest of the poem. Things that sound good together don't always make sense. I enjoyed the idea behind the poem and its delivery though. My favorite part is the entire last stanza :]

Most of the critique has been made so i will just say you did a good job keep it up and work on those correction above

Your flow is nice. I like the transition from distance to one's self then back to the distance theme.

Somethings I don't like:
Such as your phrasing."Moments from now I'll still always love you"
That has way too many words it makes it rather annoying to read.
You do this in other parts too like "and I couldn't get you close enough"
Your phrasing is werid... And it sort of "desracts" from the read.

I'll let you find the other 2 or 3... That way you can learn to better spot them in the future. Keep writing.
Silented1.