Aradel's Daughter Chapter VI

Chapter VI - Attacked
Cela shivered in the cold night air. It was their fifth night sleeping under the wide open sky, but Cela just couldn't get used to it. It seemed to big for comfort, to open and giant. And it was too dark for her taste. But the cold, the cold was the worst of all.
It was bone-numbingly cold. Cela got frozen shivers that shot down her spine, and she could barely feel her fingers. She was stiff, sore, and cold. Her teeth chattered as she spoke to Bryn.
"I don't think I can spend another night out here, I'm far to cold to drift off to dream land." While it was true that it was getting warmer the farther south they went, Cela was freezing with only her sweatshirt to keep her warm.
"If you're to cold we mise as well keep moving, there is no use of you freezing to death in this frigid cold." Bryn replied, standing. Cela jumped up on to her back, and once again they were running.

The next time Bryn stopped so Cela could take a few deep breaths, Cela asked her, "Bryn, do you even know where on earth it is that we're going?"
"Yes," Bryn replied, smiling, "We are going to the home of the leader of Aradel." Cela smiled back at her, and took another breath before they took off, running under the blue sky.
After another two days passed by, they slowly began to see what we may call 'the light at the end of the tunnel' And this was the point when Cela smiled. In front of her, was the sea, and a great white sand beach. Cela clambered off of Bryn's back, and pulled off her tennis shoes, running in the sun-warmed sand.
Bryn laughed and followed her example, sliding off her ballet flats and running after Cela. She grasped Cela's hand lightly and lead her along the shore to a field of green grass.
The springy green grass squished under their toes, a soft feeling of summer. Next they yanked their shoes back on, and Cela once again got on Bryn's back, but this time they weren't running away from anything, this time they were running to something.

Out of nowhere there was a crashing in the trees and a horrible roar of rage. Bryn slung Cela off of her back and ushered her down in a pile of brush, she stood tall, and Cela could just see Xavier run up to her.
"Where is the god damned girl?" He yelled.
"She died Xavier," Bryn replied, no terror could be detected in her voice.
"You will not lie to me!" Xavier shouted, and threw Bryn to the ground, she slowly stood on unsure legs, and looked Xavier in the eyes.
"Don't Xavier," She said, "You will listen to me, have you turned Terrin yet?" She questioned, and when he did not answer she said much more firmly, "Did you turn Terrin yet Xavier? Answer me!"
It was then that Xavier replied in a calm soothed voice, "Yes Bryn."
Bryn gasped in horror, "Xavier, is he passed the first stage yet?"
"Yes Bryn." Came the terse reply.
"Xavier, you are to tell Terrin we died, okay? You have not seen us, Okay?"
"Yes Bryn."
"Now leave us," And with that Xavier bowed and ran into the woods. Bryn turned back to Cela and offered her a hand that she gratefully accepted.
Cela was once more upon Bryn's back, but this time their run was short. They soon came upon a small log cabin, complete with stone chimney with the smell of woodsmoke pouring out of it.
Bryn let Cela down, and guided her through the door.
***
Okay, not my fav, but it works!!!

Yay! I can almost smell my delight... or if the appropriate word feel?
Anyway, here i am again, ready to deliver to you a very fiery review.

It seemed too big for comfort, too open and giant. And it was too dark for her taste.

Its 'too', not 'to' and also i don't think the word giant is very appropriate here.

It was bone-numbingly cold. Cela got frozen shivers that shot down her spine, and she could barely feel her fingers.

How did Cela (get) receive frozen shivers? I think you should write something like - frozen shivers shot down Cela's spine

If you're too cold we misemight as well keep moving, there is no use of you freezing to death in

After another two days passed by, they slowly began to see what we one may call 'the light at the end of the tunnel'

Unless your writing in the C.S. Lewis style the we should be one

Bryn let Cela down, and guided her through the door.

Nice cliffhanger.

Well done, as I usually say. I've seriously got very addicted to this story. Unfortunately your story lacked some elements too.

1.

Cela shivered in the cold night air. It was their fifth night sleeping under the wide open sky, but Cela just couldn't get used to it. It seemed to big for comfort, to open and giant. And it was too dark for her taste. But the cold, the cold was the worst of all.

Is that it? Is that all you can write about the beautiful night sky? come one now, you can surely do better than that. No stars? no sounds? You've only written about the thought and the touch.

Cela smiled. In front of her, was the sea, and a great white sand beach. Cela clambered off of Bryn's back, and pulled off her tennis shoes, running in the sun-warmed sand.

Come on, this is getting annoying. The reader cannot at all picture the beach or how this light at the end of the tunnel looks like. all we see is what one would call a normal beach. Is there nothing special about this beach? does the sun not reflect on the water and emit bright rays of reflective light that make the sea seem like it was filled with precious metal like gold and silver? Be imaginative use exaggeration if you must, just make the settings vivid or gloomy or at least normal.

Cela was once more upon Bryn's back, but this time their run was short. They soon came upon a small log cabin, complete with stone chimney with the smell of woodsmoke pouring out of it.

What is the setting in which this mysterious cabin in situated in?

2.

"Don't Xavier," She said, "You will listen to me, have you turned Terrin yet?" She questioned, and when he did not answer she said much more firmly, "Did you turn Terrin yet Xavier? Answer me!"
It was then that Xavier replied in a calm soothed voice, "Yes Bryn."
Bryn gasped in horror, "Xavier, is he passed the first stage yet?"
"Yes Bryn." Came the terse reply.

I expected much more of a fight. Is there no extra resistance a vampire can have against Bryn's mind control? Is it that affective? is there no way to avoid becoming the prey of Bryn's talent? I expected a longer fight, making it hard for both Bryn and Xavier. But of course if this is what you want, i have only the right to complain and not change.


I liked it. You brought in cold, warmth and a little bit of suspense. Not too much and not too little(Although i personally think you could have increased the suspense). Well done indeed, your becoming a great writer and already would have if you didn't keep repeating the mistakes you made .

Thanks for PMing me when the story was posted. I expect the same treatment on the next part too .

Keep it up,
See ya soon!

Okay, just one thing, ha ha, I still have to edit all of this!!! So that will all be in consideration once I get their. I'll put up the next chapter asap.
~Tari