A Mess of a Dreamer

I literally JUST wrote this song, so can't really tell you the chords, but it is a slow song with just guitar(maybe piano too) and snare and bass drum starting around the 3rd verse. I know it's kinda depressing but I hope you like it anyway :)
*Here is a link to hear the song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TinqrP4arUQ


I’ve been thrown into tunnels deep within Earth
And flown like a bird in the sky
I’ve been so in love that it killed me inside
When I found out the truth in those lies
I knew you’d never see the want in me
Or the pain hiding in my eyes

I agree with them completely about who I am
But can someone please tell me they don’t
I’ve been losing my faith through all of these years
Been buried in hurt and in tears
If only someone could see, all the things I can be
Maybe then I wouldn’t be so alone

I need someone, anyone
To make me feel like I’m worth something
Someone, anyone
Just someone to care

I look at those couples so happy in love
And I wish I could be them
Then they slowly lean in for a sweet, long kiss
And it reminds me my dreams are amiss
How hard would it be for someone to love me
Like that, sometimes I wonder

I need someone, anyone
To make me feel like I’m worth something
Someone, anyone
Just someone to care

Oh I’m a mess of a dreamer,
A face that no one could love
I’ve looked for the diamonds in the rust
And always came up with none

I need someone, anyone
To make me feel like I’m worth something
Someone, anyone
Just someone to care
I need you, love, and only you
To make me feel like I belong here
Your heart, and my heart
Together beating as one

Someone, Anyone
Just someone to care

Rhyme/Rhythm:

Janay82 wrote:I’ve been thrown into tunnels deep within Earth
And flown like a bird in the sky
I’ve been so in love that it killed me inside
When I found out the truth in those lies
I knew you’d never see the want in me
Or the pain hiding in my eyes

This was a little rhymey for me. 'sky', 'inside', 'lies', and 'eyes' all rhyme. To me it sounded kind of excessive.

Janay82 wrote:I agree with them completely about who I am

This line didn't fit in with the rhythm I felt. The 'completely' is what messed it up for me.

Janay82 wrote:And I wish I could be them
Then they slowly lean in for a long, long kiss

First line seemed too short to fit in with how I felt the rhythm and the second line felt too long. Also, 'long, long kiss' doesn't fit in for me. It seems more juvenile then the rest of this.

Janay82 wrote:Oh I’m a mess of a dreamer, a face that no one could love

I would split this into two lines at the comma.

Topic/Overall:
I really, really liked it. You expressed the emotion and feelings really well. Is this a personal experience you've had/are in or is it just kind of random? I'm kind of curious because you captured how I feel really well. I'm not even joking this could be my theme-song or something.
I thought overall it had nice rhythm. I could sort of hear it in my head as I read it.
I'm gonna give you a gold star First one in awhile.

-Carly

Thanks Carly! I think I will edit a few of the parts you mentioned, but I bet if you heard the song, some of it would make more sense. And I do write all my songs from personal experiences. I recently just heard some bad things people have said about me, which in turn kinda brought back the realization of what my life is really like. Thanks again for the star and advice! ^_^

Hey Janay!

Nicely done. I'm not one for critiquing songs much, but I can say that it's a fair job compared to a lot of other things that go mainstream. I can't get a gist of the rhythm without hearing it, so I've nothing to say on that part, but, good effort. And, it made sense! Something that people tend to forget. Two thumbs up on this.

June

Thanks June! I do try to post my songs on youtube and put a link here so people can hear the song, so hopefully I can do that soon ;)