Oracle Of Life 1 part 2

Part Two~! YAY! i'll be posting the next part soon, but i havent written that one up yet so it may take a while! Please review! As for why I posted this one so fast, it's because i realize that Part 1 is very confusing without this, so enjoi~!

ASLO, their names are prnounced a tad diferent than they look:
Elai= EE-lay
Teirin= TEAR-in (tear as in tear-drop or "tears slid down her cheeks")

Oracle Of Life 1 Part 2

Dream

***
“…. other….”
“….Brother….”

“…wake up, brother Teirin…”

Something clammy and soft poked his cheek tentatively, then it poked his cheek again, and he groggily lifted his hand to wipe his cheek, smacking his curved masculine lips and sighing. Teirin’s eyelashes cast long shadows over his high cheekbones, lighted from behind by the moon peering directly into the room through the window beside his bed. A small finger poked his cheek again, and he swatted it away, eyes tightening, his tousled ebony hair splaying across the fabric of his pillow.

“Teirin, wake up please. brooottheerrr.” That same voice said again, and the small finger poked him again.

“Nnnn….” He grunted and moved under his sheets, brow beetling, “Hhh. go away, wake me up in twenty minutes.” he sighed, snuggling into the roughness of his pillow. His cheek was dimpled again as the small finger prodded at his tanned cheek, which made him groan in irritation.

“Come on, Teirin. I had the Forest dream again, please, brother.” she whined, her babyish voice breathy.

“You did?” He sighed tiredly, cracked a tilted catlike eye open, then another, blinking like an owl, his attention caught at the mention of “Forest”, his green eyes dull with sleep.

His little sister was standing beside his bed. She was a beautiful little girl, with long blood red hair that fell nearly to her waist like water, big vermillion eyes that glittered in the moonlight, her straight pearly white teeth biting down on her plump pink lower lip. Her tiny hands clutched a tattered cloth Lion that wasn’t filled with enough beans, giving the toy a flattened and deflated appearance.

Her pointed ears peeked out of her long red tresses, longer than most Silvan children’s ears were, angled oddly away from her head. His own ears were pointed, like their entire race’s ears were, The Silvan Elves, but less pronounced than hers and stayed close to his skull.

She nodded, and he yawned heavily, scooting away from her and lifting the thick crochet blankets. She climbed up onto his bed, the straw of the mattress crinkling dryly as she did so, and snuggled up to his lean chest like a kitten. He lowered the blankets and wrapped his modestly muscled arm around his delicate baby sister, resting his chin on the top of her head.

“Poor thing, getting scary nightmares all the time, but it’s alright now, big brother is here.” He yawned, running his fingers through his little sister’s thick red hair, his hand brushing her long pointed ear, glancing out the window. It was still night, the moon hanging in the sky like a great eye, the black shadowed trees swaying with the wind beyond their window, the wooden structure of their humble home creaking and groaning softly.

“It was different this time, brother. I remember it all, and it wasn’t about the same thing as it usually is.” She purred, clutching her small lion toy and nuzzling him.

That stopped him. “Really, Elai, What was it about tonight?” He murmured, genuinely curious, glancing down at her through his dark tangled lashes. She normally couldn’t remember any of her Forest dreams.

“I was having a normal dream, and then it got all white, and I heard a little boy giggling, and then I slowly started to feel like I was completely in the dream, as if I was living it. I was the little boy, and we were so young we barely knew how to talk and walk, maybe two years old.” She paused to give a soft yawn into his shirt before continuing, “We were laughing and trying to imitate these weird looking chickens, and then this dark-skinned adult got angry at us and grabbed our shoulders and started shaking us so hard I thought he would kill us.” She explained in a slow, weary voice.

He listened intently; brow furrowed, and then said tiredly, “Wait, that doesn’t sound like the Forest dream at all. Normally you wake up sobbing and unable to remember what it is you dreamed. Are you sure it was the Forest dream again?”

She nodded against his hard chest, “Yes, it was the same, Teirin. I don’t know why, but I can tell that it was the Voice of the Forest again, that something is going to happen soon, and that little boy was important. I think…” Elai looked up at him, her acorn shaped eyes wide, her green eyes sparkling with intensity, “I think it was a memory.”

“Elai, Trees don’t have memories.” Teirin sighed, closing his eyes, “You and your ‘Voice of the Forest’ again. Why can’t you have dreams about fairies, lace, and fluff like a normal little girl? You know the whole town thinks you’re crazy because you’re always babbling about your Voice of the Forest, wandering around in dangerous areas of the forest looking for it.” Teirin gave her a meaningful look, his hawk like face serious but sleepy, and Elai blushed and buried her face in his chest.

“I’m sorry, brother, but I just know the Voice of the Forest is out there! Can’t you hear it, Teirin? Can’t you hear the Voice of the Forest crying tonight? I don’t care if they think I’m crazy, because it’s out there and I’m going to find it!” Elai whispered into his shirt, her small hands clutching his shirt with fists, and then looked up at him again, “Will you help me look for it tomorrow, Teirin?”

“Hhh… You know I will, I have to; else you’ll go without me into those dangerous woods.” Teirin sighed heavily, settling in to sleep again.

“Thank you, Teirin.” She sighed, closing her eyes, her black eyelashes heavy.

I like this, it's a pretty cool story so far. I feel like I'd like it a little better if I read a little more. My only advice is that you take it easy on the descriptions. They're nice but at times it's a little too much and make the story's progress feel a little lagged. But anyway I think this is good. The way you describe is artistic in a way that makes me feel as if you're painting an image with words. In a sense I think that's the point of descriptions so good job. But also like I mentioned earlier you should lighten the amount of descriptions you use especially during character interaction. It allows the story to progress more smoothly if you do it that way and use your more in depth descriptions when you're doing scenery. Well, anyway I'm just monologuing now so I'll end my long winded criticism. Good job you've got a lot of talent.

Hey, I will be reviewing this piece today. First of all, I thought it was very captivating. You're characters are obviously well developed. And your descriptions are very vivid. But let's get to the critique. Hopefully what I have to say will be helpful, but if it isn't, feel free to beat me with strawberry licorice. (It has to be strawberry though.)

….Something clammy and soft poked his cheek tentatively, then it poked his cheek again, twice this time, and he groggily lifted his hand to wipe his cheek, smacking his curved masculine lips and sighing, shifting under his crochet blankets, the straw of his mattress crinkling. Teirin’s eyelashes cast long shadows over his high cheekbones, lighted from behind by the moon peering directly into the room through the window beside his bed.You need a space here.A small finger poked his cheek again, and he swatted it away, eyes tightening, his tousled ebony hair splaying across the fabric of his pillow, the long silver chain around his neck tinkling, the chain long enough for two necklaces.

While this description here paints a great mental image, it is a bit of an info dump. Further more, many of the sentences here are run-ons, which is easy to see just by the amount of commas used in this one paragraph. I counted twelve. What I have crossed out is information that I feel isn't entirely necessary at this point in the story. Some of this information you introduced later, which makes this also a tad redundant.

“Nnnn.” He grunted and moved under his sheets, brow beetling, “..Hhh… go away… wake me up… in twenty minutes…” he sighed, snuggling into the roughness of his pillow. His cheek was dimpled again as the small finger prodded at his tanned cheek, which made him groan in irritation.

My nitpick here is all of the elipses you use, which are those groups of periods... If you want to break up the dialogue, I suggest just using one period. Like this: Hhh. Go away. Wake me up, in twenty minutes.

“Come on, Teirin. I had the Forest dream again, please, brother.” the small babyish voice whined, the voice breathy, cute, girly, and very young, but it sounded very insecure.

Okay, here is another overload on details. You're trying very hard to describe what Elai's voice sounds like, but it is making the story drag. I'd cut back on some of the adjectives so that the sentence read like this: she whined, her babyish voice breathy. See? That sentence conveys that the person poking Teirin is a girl, young, cute, and is whispering. As for the insecurity, that is something you must show us through her dialogue or in her body language. You can't tell the reader that she is insecure, because they just won't believe it. If you show how she is insecure, that is more believeable.

His little sister was standing beside his bed, seven years old. She was a beautiful little girl, with long blood red hair that fell nearly to her waist like water, big vermillion eyes that glittered in the moonlight, her straight pearly white teeth biting down on her plump pink lower lip. Her skin was creamy and shone with youth, her face round with baby fat,Her tiny hands clutched a tattered cloth Lion that wasn’t filled with enough beans, giving the toy a flattened and deflated appearance.

Her pointed ears peeked out of her long red tresses, longer than most Silvan children’s ears were, angled oddly away from her head. His own ears were pointed, like their entire race’s ears were, The Silvan Elves, but less pronounced than hers and stayed close to his skull.

She nodded, still biting her plump pink lip, and he yawned heavily, scooting away from her and lifting the thick crochet blankets. She climbed up onto his bed, the straw of the mattress crinkling dryly as she did so, and snuggled up to his lean chest like a kitten. He lowered the blankets and wrapped his modestly muscled arm around his delicate baby sister, resting his chin on the top of her head.

Okay, so I grouped these three paragraphs together, because as you can see it is a MAJOR info dump. Info dumps are bad. Also there are several redundancies, which is my personal pet peeve. As you will notice, I striked out some of the details, and I also made some edits in red. Lion does not need to be capitalised. Could you possibly weave some of this description of Elai in with the dialogue, so that it isn't so overwhelming?

She purred, clutching her small lion toy and nuzzling him, her voice more mature than most seven year old girls should be.

Okay, so this is a contradiction. Several sentences earlier you were describing Elai's voice as young and babyish, now you're saying it is mature. Very confusing. Personally, I don't feel like maturity fits with Elai's character. She hears voices that no one else does (sort of like an imaginary friend) and she has a toy lion that she obviously uses as a security blanket.


My only other suggestion that I have for you is about your dialogue. You typically seem to group it together in large blocks, so that your characters are practically giving speeches, each time they talk. It works well when Elai is describing her dream, but for the rest of it.

I have a quote here from Gloria Carson Levine's Writing Magic, a great book about writing fiction. Here she is talking about dialogue and I thought it might be helpful for you.

If a character has a lot to say, break it up. Let whoever she's talking to chime in with a question. Or stop the speech while the other character makes a physical gesture. Or interrupt the speech for a minor event: a stiff breeze, a noise on the stairs, the sun breaking through the clouds. It's best, naturally, if these gestures or events connect with the story.

This is perfect for your story, because you can interrupt the dialogue with some of your descriptions about the characters, or the sound of the house settling, or Teirin brushing his hair out of his eyes, or something. I really hope this was constructive and if you have any questions or need any help, feel free to PM me.

Ah! Thanks you guys! Now my sentences sound much better~! i'll edit this post and add in the changes you two suggested. Thank you guys so much, i always have had problems with info dumps and evening out diolouges, so this is really appreciated!