Jenn's Pale Face

Hey! So this is my first story, every few days I'm hoping to post a few more chapters as I type it up. Because this is my first story it's not going to be the best, but I believe that as it continues I become more comfortable with the writing style. So, I hope you don't go to hard on me Here it is.

Prologue:
“The green grass turns to a gray faded picture, and the life of our beautiful dawn is slipping away. This night you see here, it’s going to stay. This engulfing darkness is destined to remain!” The man standing next to me cried in desperation while preaching to the crowd of people into which I became a contributor. Though he was shouting right near me, I could barely comprehend his words.
Everyone stood staring towards a single direction in awe. What was happening? All of us knew, and yet all of us were left in ignorance. Men in the crowd started screaming wildly.
“Somebody help them!”
“Everyone run away!”
“It’s Satan!”
“It’s God!”
“It’s man!”
“It’s your fault!”
“He did it!”
“It’s all of us! Our artificiality caused this!”
I realized I could not see the cause of such an occurrence, all this commotion. But I could still hear the voices of the crowd as they remained constantly resonating through the brightly lit sky. It must have been the morning.
“It’s death!”
“They’re dying!”
“We’re all dying!”
“Get away from me!”
“Help me! Save me!”
“Get me out of here!”
Smoke revealed itself as it rose into the sky just before the horizon broke the range of my vision. A sea of people stood between it and myself.
“Another one fell!”
“Wait, the first one fell?”
“I can’t see anything!”
“Turn on the TV’s…”
“Wake up!”
“What?” I groaned.
“Wake up!”
“What?” Again.
“Wake up!” a familiar voice called out from the salvation of reality. It pierced through my nightmare, relieving me from its horror. I was afraid to open my eyes however, for there are few parts of reality which still and always will haunt me.
I could feel the touch of another human being and quickly recognized her. I imagined a face and body to accompany the loving actions, for I had not yet opened my eyes. I was afraid to open my eyes. The lips, which were set upon a face full of life, kissed my lips, then my neck, then my ear, and finally they whispered, “Marc, you were dreaming of something. What was it? Was it bad? Was it horrible? You made it seem as if it were. Are you alright?”
“Oh, I’m fine. It’s alright. I don’t even remember it now,” I lied. It was easy, for I was imagining a face not her own. I could not lie to her face. I don’t think so anyway.
She gently pried open my eyelids with her fingertips, revealing her emaciated, pale, and sickly face. She showed her beautiful brown eyes, and her smile that you would believe she meant if you hadn’t known any better. Or maybe she really means it and I’m wrong. If I were her, I wouldn’t mean it.
“You’re beautiful,” I spoke the truth.
“No I am not. I am nothing. You most certainly are beautiful though. Your mind and body. You’re all amazing, every part of you. I love you,” she flattered me with words that were only suited for herself. It was hard to believe any kind word directed towards me.
Before I could contradict her comments with my words of self-loathing and flaws, she put her fingers up to my lips and stopped me, “Shh… don’t talk. It’s late.”

I love her and she loves me.
I glance at the clock. It's 3:54. I will never forget that time...

I'm glad you made it past the prologue After this chapter I feel like my writing style starts to develop more. Right here I'm still kind of struggling...

Chapter 1:

Jenn and I have been together for almost four years now. That’s since we were freshmen at Morristown High School. Sometimes at night when we lay in bed, I’ll look into her closed eyes and think about how long we have been together and how old we have gotten. And we are old for our age, even I can admit that without hesitation or second thought. It’s our first year out of high school and our first year living away from our parents. I ran away, to be honest. Jenn can’t run away. I have neither the money nor the mental capability to deal with her illness alone.

I would have plenty of trouble dealing with her if it weren’t for her being so devoutly in love with me… at least that’s what she tells me. She’s pretty honest though. She’s always honest nowadays, as there is little room for lies and mistakes in our lives. And she may only have another decade left, the doctors say. But what do the doctors know?

And anyway, why would you lie to someone who cares so much about you? I know I would never lie to her. I care too much about her. Nothing is ever hidden. My words to her only ever express the whole truth.
I walk in the door and watch her as she sleeps on the couch. I think about her ailment and how young we are.

“How was work? I missed you,” she is so tired that she just barely gets the words out. “Did you sell out the show tonight?”

“If I said yes, would it make you happy?” we exchange laughs. I still got paid enough, whether I sold out the show or not.

“Oh, I’m sure you played just fine. You always sound just fine.”

“I need to be better than just fine… just fine is not enough.”

“Just fine is enough. It’s just fine. I promise. Lay down with me.”

I sitt down on the couch next to her. She reaches her arms around and embraces me, pulling me close until I lay on top of her.

“Remember when we used to sing our old happy songs together on stage, in front of so many people?” she reminisces.

“How could I ever forget?”

She's asleep.

I brush her hand with mine as I stand up off of the couch, kiss her forehead, and walk over to the bed. I collapse onto it more than fall or lay down, and look around the apartment.

I wish I could say we are famous rockstars with some extravagant mansion, but I’d be lying. May I reinforce it again? I don’t lie. The reality is that Jenn and I live in a cheap studio apartment, and I generally support the both of us with my music. In the winter, it’s so cold that our smiles and lips become frozen together to each other’s lips. In the summer, we find a way to be close and somehow bear the blazing heat anyway.

I call it love. I like to call it love, at least. I’m not entirely sure what love is, but I think this is it. I remember that in our youth we would constantly insult ourselves and compliment the other. The compliments were never heard, and if they were, never received, but instead acknowledged with the hastiness of a fully convicted denial. I like to think that I’m fully convicted to her. In all of the years we’ve been together, there was never any fight. Now there’s no room to fight.

Everything is so perfectly held together right now that I have the feeling that it won’t last. Nothing perfect ever lasts. I always have to wonder what Jenn thinks. It’s easy to find out what someone is thinking when that someone is so honest with me.

“Jenn, do you think we’ll last?” I call out quietly, waking her and posing a question.

“I think we’ll last. It’s perfect. Perfection always lasts.”
“Yeah,” I resign.
“Yeah,” she responds.
A few seconds later.
Nothing.
She's asleep.
I fall asleep.

“It’s horrible! There’s smoke! There are bodies everwhere! Who could have committed such a terrible crime?” I awake in a sweat. I hate my dreams.

First, you have great imagery, the dream in the beginning as well as the description of the characters. I can tell a lot about both characters based on the way the narrator explains situations. That said, you use a lot of very complex sentences and words that I think could be put to better use if used more sparingly. I think your writing style is naturally complex, but if you used simpler language more often, and used the larger sentences more sparingly it would enhance the flow of the piece. For example, you say "The man standing next to me cried in desperation while preaching to the crowd of people into which I became a contributor" which sounds intellectual, but I think would be more readable if you made it simpler by taking out the "into which I became a contributor" part.

I can't wait to read more though. I like it so far. =]

Oh! chapter 1! I didn't see that when I posted the first comment, but I want to add comments about the second chapter. XD

I think the writing in this is much better, less nervous almost. It really flows well. I'm confused with the part on lying, you go from saying how easy it is to lie to her to how you would never lie to her. Is that intentional? Be careful of tenses too, when the dialogue starts you go from present ("is so tired") to past ("exchanged laughs"). It happens most often around dialogue.

Chapter 2 soon?

Yeah, I'll fix the tenses in the morning. The only tense change was supposed to be past in the prologue and present in everything else.
Thank you :]

And yeah, the whole lying thing is intentional. It's saying that he can lie to her when he's pretending it's someone else but cannot actually to her.