Flow

The wind always reminds me of you;
The touch, the ache, the kiss long overdue.
That second when we look at one another's eyes,
And feel in our bones, we could never say goodbye.
That little hiccup in time,
Where you can be completely mine.

That wind which topples homes;
That wind which destroys lives;
That wind which enables me to survive.
I can't sleep without that breeze.
I must be addicted to it by now,
But it's you and us so it all feels okay somehow.

I find the first verse as perfect as I could imagine it. None of the rhymes come across as forced (at least to me) as did in your other work.

The last two lines though I felt like you still were trying to rhyme it (didn't come out really forced). Just remember that poems don't necessarily need to rhyme. But I think it's good how you wrote it.

I am more for a simplistic style of writing than rhymes and stuff... so I might be a little biased and have a completely different view of your writing than other people.

I really like it however :]

thank you
I always write in some kind of rhyme pattern, it feels more poetic to me most of the time. The entire second verse was very forced, I probably should have just left it as one verse but I felt like it needed more. Should I scrap and re-do the second verse?

I really liked this,
I think you have a talent thats only going to get better,
& I look forward to seeing what else you put up,

I really liked this and can't wait to see more of your work! It was very detailed and had wonderful format.

Way to go! This is so sweet and totally makes me think about different things the wind can mean. It really makes me think about interpretation, and it's so deep, too! I loved it.

Keep up the good work,! Keep me informed for when you put out new work!

I was thinking about this poem again. I wanted to add a little more to it, a last third stanza. The punctuation doesn't match the first stanza but I'm not sure if that's really an issue? Here's what I was thinking of adding:

"As quickly as that breeze flares-
Whipping, tangling, ensnaring my hair-
It leaves me to caress someone new,
With the knots as my last remnant of you.
But I know you will return someday,
For that wind is never too far away."

Hi,

I think that the rhyming scheme works really well.

I think that the first stanza is a bit weak.I'd cut "reminds me of you" "feel in our bones, we could never say goodbye" and "completely mine". I'd change "at each" to "into each" as I think it sounds better, but maybe try something stronger and more specific instead of this, something that makes the speaker's love interest stand out, makes him/her a person in their own right rather than just the lover.

I love "That little hiccup in time", it's a fabulous phrase, very vivid and interesting.

I think that the second stanza is much more effective. I love the repetition of "that wind" and I think the change in rhyme mirrors the change in tone. I'd change the last two lines to something more visual.

Hope this helps.

Jas

I'm drawing a blank right now as far as criticism goes so I'll just say what comes to mind.

the end felt like an oh never mind kind of thing, like all the seriousness and contemplativeness before hand just kinda went away.

I dont know if that was intended, but to me it seemed chucked in.

I shouldnt be talking so yeah.

I liked it overall though, I wish it had just a littl more length, but really I wouldnt want what you've done already with just some nitpicky addons.

I liked it.

Ok you did well with your poem its was clear and straight to the point with each stanza ending the way it should. But the other part you are planning to add will be a sense of lost hope since you express strong hope throughout the poem.

Hey there,

You seem like one of those infinitely lucky people who manage to pull off a rhyme scheme in poetry without seeming too forced and while actually making the poem sound, well, emotional and poetic. I've read a lot of poetry in the last few days, but you seem to pull it off better than some. Although I have to agree that the second stanza is slightly more forced than the first.

I'm in love with the line 'a hiccup in time'. You have nice imagery. It's all good, really! I think I've reviewed a few of your poems recently, so well done!

~Amy