Young Captive, Dearest Friend

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Gender Female
Points 2016
Reviews 81
Young Captive, Dearest Friend
.
.

I hope you have a room with a view,
once your freedom is safely buried
beneath the sad weight of dark, wet earth.
Preferably a window
.
framing the west side of the city,
where the dark business buildings
are silhouetted against the effervescent sky,
all done up in fire, fading into black.
.
I hope you remember there's a world here,
distinct and separate
from the melancholically vain hole
into which you crawled. Maybe one day
The Sun will dismember the self-importance
that constantly capsizes any purpose
you ever thought you had.
.
I hope someday your freedom
can be disinterred, leaving behind a mess of
scattered soil and upturned grass, when you can
walk away from your westward window
and never glance back. Not even once.
.
I hope you remember who you were
before you became who you never wanted to be.
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." ~ the catcher in the rye




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Points 300
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This is beautiful and something so many people can relate with.

The only thing I could mention would be the use of "dark" twice. A different adjective would make it even more powerful.

Very very nice work.




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Gender Female
Points 20503
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That was really beautiful. I liked the use of the word dark, actually. It was a nice mixture of lofty words and common ones. This is an amazing poem-- I'm sorry more people haven't commented on it. Try going to the WRFF forum and asking some people to look at your work. I'm there too, check the link in my signature. :smt001
Pm me when you write anything else, and I'll be sure to give it a review (hopefully it will have some problems for me to fix so I don't rampage on like this :)
*stars*
until then,
empress
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
Royal Reviews Here!



We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare