Catching His Eye

I saw you quite recently,
Infact it was less then a week,
Your glistening eyes shone through me,
And to me you didn't speak;

My eyes shot to the ground and I took a breath,
As the shards of my heart cut through my lonely chest,
Why did I feel like this?
Why was there so much pain?
And why was I playing back my memories of you again and again?

Did I miss the warmth of your touch or the way you'd make me feel,
Or did I miss the butterflies that made it all so real;
For the rest of the day my thoughts were a river of you,
And I eventually drowned when I remembered the truth,
I had created you into something you were not,
And so in reality you were far from who I thought;

Id let my teenage heart get the better of me,
And I was blinded by a love that no one else could see;
Then the day came when you hurt me to much for me to bear,
And the hardest part of all were my feelings for you were still there;

I saw you quite recently,
Infact it was less then a week,
And since your perfect eyes met mine,
Ive had barely a wink of sleep,
I know there's going to come a day when I'll see you and I wont care,
But until then I'll grasp on to my memories of you,
and wish that you were there.

Um, you might want to put some spaces between stanzas because it's a bit hard to read. Other than that, well it was okay as far as the message of the poem goes. The words that you used are a bit cliche though. Try to expand on your vocabulary more. Kudos.

Hey Passion!

As Man said, the words you used are a bit cliche. Poetry isn't just about getting out what you are urging to write, or what you feel -- actually, whatever, it's about whatever you want it to be -- it's about presenting it to your audience in a way where they can relate, be interested and want to keep reading.

Liven up your vocabulary, dear! You have potential with this, as anyone has potential with words, and in speaking of this in the same way as so many others, you mayn't make much progress. Do stanziate this, and take a moment to "poeticize" this (or, in other words, make it more poetic) by adding your own flair.

June

I really like this poem. I think it is very moving. (But perhaps that is just because I relate to it.) I didn't really notice the words themselves much as I read it- they aren't poorly chosen words, I just think you could find some lovely synonyms for some of them. Also, there are a few places where I thought a period would be more fitting than a comma or a semi-colon, but that is part of your own personal style in writing a poem. Lovely work!

I saw you quite recently,
In fact it was less then a week,

I really don't like the second use of these lines. They make your poem sound like a cliche love song.

I really like love poems, and you gave me one. But, like others say, your words are cliche. Butterfly's, glass, hearts, everything you said has already been said before! Tell me new things about your love. Compare it to a dog bone or something! Something new, please.

And I'm pretty sure 'infact' is actually two words: in fact.

I like this, really.

Classy

Thanks for the comments,
I appreciate them all,
And calling it a love poem i would have to disagree and say its more of a heartbreak poem.

I really like this. Everything flows pretty well and it's very descriptive!