The way love moves

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The way love moves

Proluge


"Daddy, daddy!" Six-year-old Aleeyah screamed. She lived with her mother but her dad visited once in a while. Kelly didn't like to see him. Well, he was still attractive, but since the very day he cheated on her, that was it. She didn't want anything to do with him, except for the obvious. Aleeyah. Kelly thought back to the time they were together. It was about eight years ago, when they were so in love. They had met at a school basketball game. She never really had the courage to step up to him because she thought he was just another stuck up jock that wanted only one thing. Then of course the way he looked. He was about six foot one or six foot two and he was really light, almost yellow. His eyes were a close green or even hazel. More like green hazel. He had smooth wavy hair and he was muscular. Not too muscular, but just right. But, she finally had an excuse to approach him, so she congragulated him. After that day, they were together ever since now, well, then. About five years later, she was pregnant with her first and only child, Aleeyah. They had a nice three-bedroom house, and he was going to a university right up the street. For money, Kelly sold her very own paintings in their living room and her grandmother even gave her money to get on their feet. When Aleeyah was three, Kelly discovered the father of her child and the man she loved was cheating on her. She was twenty-two at the time and he was a sophomore in college. For two years, Kelly and Aleeyah to struggled to stay on their feet. Every once in a while, Dewayne would come over and lend some money. She would say," we don't want your money, now leave us the fuck alone!" One time she even cut him with a knife during an argument about not being there for his daughter. On the left side of his face located next to his ear. There is still a visible scar there. While kelly was reminiscing about old thoughts, Aleeyah broke her out of them.
"Huh, mom? I can,I can?"
"Well sure Lea, you can have whatever you want."
"Thanks mom, I love you!" Kelly watched as Dewayne scooped Aleeyah into his arms and head toward the door.
"Wait! Where are you taking my child?" Kelly screamed and grabbed his arm. He yanked his arm away and responded with a,"but, you said she could, so don't start this psycho bitch stuff again."
"But where are you taking her? That's all I want to know." He rolled his eyes and looked at her. She knew what that meant. That meant that he didn't want to argue. He just wanted to get out of her presence. Away from her cold stare. He finally said,"I'm taking her shopping, OK Kelly. OK!"
" But, she already has too many clothes." Kelly argued. He grabbed for the door knob in attempt to leave, but kelly stopped him. He looked at her repulsively. How, why, did he ever fall in love with her? Of course she was attractive. She had long silky black hair. Her eyes were light brown while her skin was smooth and caramel colored.Her butt sat firm on her five foot seven frame and so did her breasts.Besides her looks, she had a great personality.She was humorous and bubbly. He couldn't get enough of her,in a good way. Now he wanted to see her but was scared he might get cut again. But, maybe she does still have that personality. Maybe he just has to push it out of her, and maybe he still has feelings for her. He may even still love her. After all those years of one night stands and dating other women did nothing but gave him physical pleasure. All the while he thought about Kelly.
"Did you not hear me?" He heard her say while tugging on him trying to grab their daughter from out of his arms. He watched her struggle, it was actually sexy. He suddenly had a strong urge to make love to her.But, being five-foot-seven and him six-foot-two, it was kind of hard to do. So he just sat Aleeyah down so she wouldn't get hurt. He was still mad he her so he said,
" Understand this kelly, she's my daughter too. You can't keep her away from me!"
" The hell I can't! You're only her biological father, not mentally. So you can cut the bs because you will never win." She was right. Arguing with her was like arguing with a brick wall. It never listened. It always stood tall and mighty,and if you dare try to hit it, you will not harm it. It would hurt you. The point is that she was too arrogant and wanted everything her way. When she went into the kitchen, he and Aleeyah ran out of the house past kelly's Mercedes Benz and into his BMW. Finally,he was away from the devil. It was getting too hot in there. But, he knew he would have to face hell when he brought Aleeyah back. Just how much? 'Wow! This was going to be fun,' he thought.
Last edited by cutenclumsy on Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I like the idea of this story, and I think it had a lot of potential, but I think a lot of the emotion is missing. It feels really...clinical to me. If I'm guessing right you want the reader to feel the character's pain, right? Right now I don't feel it.

BUt like I said, I think this has a lot of potential. I think with some editing it could be really, really great.




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well, i understand, I will on chapter 1 because this is just the proluge
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cutenclumsy wrote:The way love moves

Proluge


"Daddy, daddy!" Six-year-old Aleeyah screamed. She lived with her mother but her dad visited once in a while. Kelly didn't like to see him. Well, he was still attractive, but ever since he cheated on her, that was it; She didn't want anything to do with him, except for the obvious. Aleeyah.
Kelly thought back to the time they were together. It was about eight years ago, when they were so in love. They had met at a school basketball game. She never really had the courage to step up to him because she thought he was just another stuck up jock that wanted only one thing.
Then of course the way he looked. He was about six foot one or six foot two with really light skin, almost yellow. His eyes were a close green or even hazel. More like green hazel. He had smooth wavy hair. Not too muscular, but just right. But, she finally had an excuse to approach him, so she congratulated him. After that day, they were together ever since then.
About five years later, she was pregnant with her first and only child, Aleeyah. They had a nice three-bedroom house and he was going to a university right up the street. For money, Kelly sold her very own paintings in their living room and her grandmother even gave her money to get on their feet.
When Aleeyah was three, Kelly discovered the father of her child and the man she loved was cheating on her. She was twenty-two at the time and he was a sophomore in college. For two years, Kelly and Aleeyah to struggled to stay on their feet. Every once in a while, Dewayne would come over and lend some money. She would say," we don't want your money, now leave us the fuck alone!" One time she even cut him with a knife during an argument about not being there for his daughter. On the left side of his face located next to his ear. There is still a visible scar there. While kelly was reminiscing about old thoughts, Aleeyah broke her out of them.
"Huh, mom? I can,I can?"
"Well sure Lea, you can have whatever you want."
"Thanks mom, I love you!" Kelly watched as Dewayne scooped Aleeyah into his arms and head toward the door.
"Wait! Where are you taking my child?" Kelly screamed and grabbed his arm. He yanked his arm away and responded with a,"but, you said she could, so don't start this psycho bitch stuff again."
"But where are you taking her? That's all I want to know." He rolled his eyes and looked at her. She knew what that meant. That meant that he didn't want to argue. He just wanted to get out of her presence. Away from her cold stare. He finally said,"I'm taking her shopping, OK Kelly. OK!"
" But, she already has too many clothes." Kelly argued. He grabbed for the door knob in attempt to leave, but kelly stopped him. He looked at her repulsively. How, why did he ever fall in love with her? Of course she was attractive. She had long silky black hair. Her eyes were light brown while her skin was smooth and caramel colored.Her butt sat firm on her five foot seven frame and so did her breasts.Besides her looks, she had a great personality.She was humorous and bubbly. He couldn't get enough of her,in a good way. Now he wanted to see her but was scared he might get cut again. But, maybe she does still have that personality. Maybe he just has to push it out of her, and maybe he still has feelings for her. He may even still love her. After all those years of one night stands and dating other women did nothing but gave him physical pleasure. All the while he thought about Kelly.
"Did you not hear me?" He heard her say while tugging on him trying to grab their daughter from out of his arms. He watched her struggle, it was actually sexy. He suddenly had a strong urge to make love to her.But, being five-foot-seven and him six-foot-two, it was kind of hard to do. So he just sat Aleeyah down so she wouldn't get hurt. He was still mad he her so he said,
" Understand this kelly, she's my daughter too. You can't keep her away from me!"
" The hell I can't! You're only her biological father, not mentally. So you can cut the B.S. because you will never win." She was right. Arguing with her was like arguing with a brick wall. It never listened; It always stood tall and mighty,and if you dare try to hit it, you will not harm it. It would hurt you. The point is that she was too arrogant and wanted everything her way. When she went into the kitchen, he and Aleeyah ran out of the house past kelly's Mercedes Benz and into his BMW. Finally,he was away from the devil. It was getting too hot in there. But, he knew he would have to face hell when he brought Aleeyah back. Just how much? 'Wow! This is going to be fun,' he thought.


So, they italicized relates to things I have changed and the underlined are punctuation you need to add.

Overall, I don't think this is much of a prologue. The prologue would be explaining the two parents relationship, and the first chapter would be what they do. I also think you have done far too much explaining. Like their personalities. I want you to show them through your words and express them through their actions. I don't want a huge paragraph explaining them! That's boring, and a bit like an essay.
Hope I helped! if you have any questions, just ask!
~Classy




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OK...classy capatain whatever..umm, in real books, their prologue explained the characters. Apparently, I'm that kind of author that explains the characters in their prologue. And maybe you'll understand their relationship if you READ. If you notice, real authors don't explain everything to the reader. Now THAT would be boring. That's why you READ A STORY. Now this is the story I wrote and this is MY writing style. I understand the mistakes, but this is what the storie is about. I'm not changing that. And,about the characters, my last storie had complaints about them. That I needed to explain their looks more. I did in this one, but there seems to be a problem about that. Thanks for the tips, but I'm NOT changing the plot of my story. :)
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Hey, clumsy cuten whatever... you can't get mad every time someone doesn't like what you write.




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captain.classy wrote:Hey, clumsy cuten whatever... you can't get mad every time someone doesn't like what you write.


Sorry, Myesha, but I'm going to have to back up Captain Classy on this one. Remember that when you post your work, you give the world permission to view it and critique it according to what they've learned. They're not trying to make fun of you, they're only here to help you improve, because obviously, no one's writing is perfect.

Oh, and another thing, remember that the only thing that'll defend your writing is your writing ^^

Happy Holidays!
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Whoa, cool down, guys! :D

First of all, there are a lot of grammar mistakes, like missed capitalization of names, etc., so I think you should go through and clean all of that stuff up. Nothing big! It shouldn't be too hard to do at all. ;)

Now, I have a question for you! We know that she wants nothing to do with him, having cheated on her. However, we don't really know what steps she took to take him out of her life. Obviously, he is allowed access to the kid. But what else? Are they divorced? Separated? Were they never married at all? This sort of relationship isn't really clear from your story, and I think it would be neat to know this! It would help us understand the characters more fully and understand the conflict that each of them face more clearly so we can identify with them more!

Another thing... and I'm not quite sure if you meant this on purpose or whatever, but I noticed that the timing of the characters' ages seemed a bit off. Let me explain...

When the child was 3, the mom was 22 and the dad was 19/20. This means, when the child was born, the mom was 19 and the dad was 16/17. This means that when the mom was pregnant, this was when she was 18/19 and the dad was 15/16.

Mind you, this sort of thing happens! But I think the dad of this story, being a teenage father, would probably have a different sort of relationship and I think it would be completely awesome to go into this conflict a little bit more. It's scary being a teen dad, especially when you have an adult partner who expects you to pitch in. In fact, it sort of makes it understandable that he cheated... and it makes Kelly's reaction to his cheating seem awfully immature and harsh. After all, he was a scared teenage father.

Unfortunately, his description of Kelly is off here:

He looked at her repulsively. How, why, did he ever fall in love with her? Of course she was attractive. She had long silky black hair. Her eyes were light brown while her skin was smooth and caramel colored.Her butt sat firm on her five foot seven frame and so did her breasts.Besides her looks, she had a great personality.She was humorous and bubbly. He couldn't get enough of her,in a good way.


He was 15 or 16 years old when he was with her sexually.... he probably would have different thoughts than this. I'm not sure what those different thoughts would be (you can ask the teenage male population on this site, if you wanted any help on that!) but that description doesn't fit.

Also! Kelly. Why is she going out with such a younger man? It's a strange thought... usually women pick men older than they are. She's 18/19 when she has sexual relations with him... why does she pick a pimply teenager rather than choose someone her own age? (And yeah... that sounds kind of harsh, but as a 21-year-old, I really can't understand anyone who is close to my age and living independently wanting to ever be with a teenager who probably doesn't even drive yet. It's pretty disgusting to me! But that just makes your story all the more interesting!)

So yeah. I'm loving the implications of this mess, and I think you can do a lot more to ramp up the conflict even more and twist our hearts further. :) And yeah... you can always change the ages to something more reasonable, if you never wanted to deal with this conflict at all and am horrified by my suggestions. But if you want to get deeper on this, I would be all for it. I haven't seen many good stories that have this sort of conflict. It's interesting!

If you have any other questions, just drop me a PM! I'd be happy to answer them. See you on the site!
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