The Mountain by Maggiore (Chapter One)=edited version

*This story is a very rough draft...and it was influence by divine comedy...please comments are needed

Midway upon the journey, they stumbled themselves in the dark woods by the shore of Maggiore where the trees covered the night sky with its twisted branches stretching to the sky. With its leaves thick like the bushes on the mountain’s side, the dusk was shrouded by emerald green but by the banks of the river, Pudin sat down looking at the twinkled stars with a gleaming smile on her face.
“Do you know where we are?” She leaned her head back so that her elbows were touching the ground.
“We are within the deepest level of the Mountain of Verbania beside the river of Maggiore. Ahead of that, there is no more but rubble and ruins, rain and ice that intermixed with each other.”
The girl who had said that sat down against an apple tree sipping water from a wooden cup. She was dressed in a dark blue robe that enveloped most of her body except for the wrists and the ankles of her feet. Her hair was short stretching to the shoulders and it bore resemblance to the colour of the sundown. Her eyes were narrow, green like the grass.
Before her, the fire danced against the twilight brightening the right side of her face. On her head lay a small fox pup dangling its front paws against the girl’s forehead. Its fur was that of a burning bush coupled with a dark streak running along its back. The pup’s head was raised as it looked towards a figure at the shore of the river of Maggiore.
She wore a large brown robe that seemed to big for her own size. Her black hair covered the left corners of her face from her ear to the edge of her left eye.
Pudin chuckled to herself. “Do we really have to go inside that mountain? Should we simply wait here until some help comes along?”
“No help will come at this place, not from the land, nor the sea nor from the air, for this is the border of the Empire. Before you, at the opposite end, stands the shore of Eurasia.” The girl by the fire took one more sip of her drink before lifting it up for her pup to drink.
“But why me…?” Pudin stood up with arms outstretched. She turned around towards the girl by the fire. She placed both arms by her back as she walked tiptoed towards her.
The girl by the fire raised her gaze upwards. “Firstly is because I found you on a ditch at the border of this Mountain. If I have not brought you up, you would be engulfed by the coming tide. Secondly, I came because I was sent.”
“Do you really have to talk like that?” Pudin giggled.
“That is how I talked? Why?” The girl arched her eyebrow locking her arms before her chest.
“You sound like a teacher.”
“But it’s better than having no name and no memory. If you have forgotten, I am Lia and on my head is Foxfire.” Lia replied pointing to her head as the fox pup barked in response.
“It’s please to meet you,” the girl smiled as she leaned over to shake the hands of the pup.
“And you,” Lia pushed Pudin’s hands off from her pet. “Have you named yourself yet?”
“Pudin,” Pudin responded quickly putting both hands on her hips. “I don’t know where I got it but it had been in my mind for a while now. So heck, I decided to call myself that. What do you think its good right?”
Lia grinned to herself. “If I can call you by that name other than ‘you’ or ‘girl’, I am fine with that.”
Suddenly somewhere by their left, a great deep bellow echoed out of the cavern. It sounded like a man or a small crowd wailing and moaning inside the mountain before the roaring of the waves swallowed the sounds. The fox whined as it sniffed the air.
“Are you really sure we are going there? It sounded scary.” Pudin hesitated with wide opened eyes looking at the darkness by her left.
. “Either that or we drowned for the river is unpredictable like a dog in anger.” Lia answered throwing the remaining water in the cup to the fire.
“Seriously, do you really have to talk like that?”
“Tomorrow we depart.”


By the middle of the next day, they stood at the corner of the opening of a large cavern opening, which reached up for more than three storeys and is longer than a thousand individuals lined up horizontally. Above the opening are two holes where water drips down from it. At the centre lies a river too large for them to jump to the other side. In each side of the river lay the twisted corpses of people.
“These must be where the screams came from….” Lia said as she walked at the banks of the river while Foxfire was barking to the number of corpses around him. Lia patted the pup’s hands whispering reassurance towards him.
“Wow…would you look at that? This is one huge hole.” Pudin whistled as she looked closely at the cave from the top to the bottom with both hands on her hips.
“This is the entrance of the mountain; we call the, ‘The Mourn’.” Lia stopped beside Pudin glancing at her for a moment before walking ahead of her.
‘So what’s inside?” She walked ignoring the corpses by the banks of the river.
“First lays the Bone River that stretches from the cave’s mouth to the other end of the mountain.”
“So you mean that we’re going to walk along the banks. That’s easy.” Pudin smiled as she entered but with one hand before her, Lia stopped her.
“If you shall you will be killed, for raging hounds and frenzied men stalked the end of the first level.” Then she pointed her finger upwards. “We ascend upwards among the various levels, so that at the top there is nothing more to give us fright but the storm.”
“But that’s too high. Pudin sighed looking curiously at the wagging of the pup’s tail. “But can I at least hold the pup?”
“What for…? He’s my pup.” Lia turned around with widened eyes.
“Do help me journey well. I don’t have anything to cuddle except myself besides you have him most of the time.”
Lia hesitated for a while as she pulled the pup from her head. She paused for a moment to ponder before she took one look at its beady eyes and brought her nose to its nose. Then she gave the pup with a sigh to Pudin who comforted it between her arms.
“Just take care of him.” Lia said aloud ignoring Pudin tossing the pup in the air as they entered the mountain’s cave and its first level.

Hey there foxfire! I'm WD, pleased to meet you. You have an interesting start here, and I'd like to see where this story goes, but I'd like to address a few things that might help you improve, okay?

It sounds like you have a good grasp of plot so far--I commend you for that. Plots are hard for me, so I'm glad you are exhibiting knowledge of your plot so early on. But this beginning didn't hook me. Why? Because I have so little of a feel for the characters. You see, you have two characters and I would expect you know them pretty well, but this is just an interaction between them which outlines the first step of the plot. This is not a bad starting place, but readers don't get hooked by plot unless it is one complicated, spicy plot. Readers get hooked by characters.

Right now, I don't really have a good feel for Lia or Pudin. I know that Lia talks like a teacher, and I know that Pudin doesn't like that, but I don't feel like I know them. You're hinting at dynamics, which is a good start, but at the moment there is very little to draw me into these characters. Why? Because this beginning is focused on plot! It's okay for characters to talk about plot early on, but when you have plot discussions, don't forget about those characters. You have some physical descriptions here, but that's not what I'm talking about. I think what you need here is some down-and-dirty characterization. Body language, feelings, facial expressions, reactions, mannerisms etc. There are some articles on Characterization in the Writing Tips KB (under Writer's Corner) if you want to check them out.

Your plot sounds interesting! I just think this needs to slow down and incorporate a whole lot more character. Nice start! Keep on writing and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

Hey there Foxfire, my name is Cait, and I enjoyed reading your story for the most part.

Like WD I felt that you did not give us enough insight into your characters. I also think that at the beginning you could have addressed at least one of them so that we could distinguish who is speaking in the first lines. Perhaps you could at least give out the name of one of the characters before they introduce themselves to each other which would greatly help with the confusion.

There were some spots which I thought could be tidied up a bit but nothing to major to worry about .

the fire danced against the twilight brightening the right side of his face.

I think that you were meaning "her" in this line rather than his.

Its fur was that of the burning bush

Here "the" should be changed to "a".

By the midday of the next day

To me this sounds a little repetitive. Maybe you could try saying something like "By the middle of the next day," to make it sound a little nicer.

By the midday of the next day, they stood at the corner of the opening of a large cavern opening, which reached up for more than three storeys and is longer than a thousand individuals lined up horizontally. Above the opening are two holes where water drips down from it. At the centre lies a river too large for them to jump to the other side. In each side of the river lie the twisted corpses of people.

Correct me if I am mistaken, but I believe that your tenses are mixed up in this paragraph. I think that if you read it to yourself you will know what I mean.

Overall, I think that your story has a good start and just needs a little more fine tuning. I really hope to read another chapter.

Keep up the good work

-Cait

Hey foxfire! I'm back to look at your edited version. Some marvelous improvement--you have a lot more character here and it is already helping to draw us into the story. So, now that we have some character basis, I'm going to go through and point out some things to work on as I go, all right? But good job putting some character into this; I already feel closer to your characters.

Midway upon the journey, they stumbled themselves in the dark woods by the shore of Maggiore where the trees covered the night sky with its twisted branches stretching to the sky. With its leaves thick like the bushes on the mountain’s side, the dusk was shrouded by emerald green but by the banks of the river, Pudin sat down looking at the twinkled stars with a gleaming smile on her face.

Okay, so I'm glad you are opening with an image, but these sentences are wandering and confusing, like word gymnastics. How do people stumble themselves? Your tenses are getting mashed together and the sentences are unfocused. Read these aloud and try to work them out so they sound clearer. For instance, if I was going to divide these just for clarity's sake, it would look something like this:

Midway upon the journey, they stumbled in the dark woods by the shore of Maggiore; trees stretched their twisted branches across the night sky with leaves thick like the bushes on the mountain's side. The dusk was shrouded by emerald green. Pudin sat by the banks of the river, looking at the twinkling stars with a gleaming smile on her face.

Maybe not how you want it, but it's easier to tell what is doing what and what is what. Read these sentences aloud. It will help.

The girl who had said that sat down against an apple tree sipping water from a wooden cup. She was dressed in a dark blue robe that enveloped most of her body except for the wrists and the ankles of her feet. Her hair was short stretching to the shoulders and it bore resemblance to the colour of the sundown. Her eyes were narrow, green like the grass.

Before her, the fire danced against the twilight brightening the right side of her face. On her head lay a small fox pup dangling its front paws against the girl’s forehead. Its fur was that of a burning bush coupled with a dark streak running along its back. The pup’s head was raised as it looked towards a figure at the shore of the river of Maggiore.

She wore a large brown robe that seemed to big for her own size. Her black hair covered the left corners of her face from her ear to the edge of her left eye.

Okay, this is confusing. You have some interesting descriptions, but all the pronouns are getting messed up and, because you're describing both characters by appearance right after each other, this is really confusing. First of all, work out those pronouns and read this aloud. Second of all, I would urge you not to rely on describing appearance right away. Integrating these bits of their appearance through this beginning would be more effective than telling us all at once.

“But why me…?” Pudin stood up with arms outstretched. She turned around towards the girl by the fire. She placed both arms by her back as she walked tiptoed towards her.

This could be a great characterization moment if you added more!

“Do you really have to talk like that?” Pudin giggled.

“That is how I talked? Why?” The girl arched her eyebrow locking her arms before her chest.

“You sound like a teacher.”

“But it’s better than having no name and no memory. If you have forgotten, I am Lia and on my head is Foxfire.” Lia replied pointing to her head as the fox pup barked in response.

Okay, so I can tell from this that Lia is supposed to talk strangely, but, honestly, it seems over the top. If you're going to make her dialogue believable, I think we need a whole lot more body language and characterization on her. We need a better idea of her attitude when she's talking. Is she saying this in a patronizing way? Does she not understand why Pudin is fed up with her talking that way? Is she oblivious? Right now it's just over-the-top. And this last piece of dialogue suggests that Lia has told Pudin her name before? If so, would Pudin really forget?

“Pudin,” Pudin responded quickly putting both hands on her hips. “I don’t know where I got it but it had been in my mind for a while now. So heck, I decided to call myself that. What do you think its good right?”

These wordings are very strange. "What do you think its good right"? I think this could use a few read-throughs to fix these awkward syntax errors.

By the middle of the next day, they stood at the corner of the #FF0000 ">opening of a large cavern #FF0000 ">opening, which reached up for more than three storeys and is longer than a thousand individuals lined up horizontally. Above the opening are two holes where water drips down from it. At the centre lies a river too large for them to jump to the other side. In each side of the river lay the twisted corpses of people.

Wait, why are we suddenly in present tense?

So, I think the stuff I have mentioned covers what I've noticed with this piece, so I won't keep pulling paragraphs like this. In essence, you've done a good job integrating some character stuff, but this really needs some read-throughs for awkward sentence structure and wording. There were lots of grammar mistakes and such. If you want me to pick all of them out, PM me, but I like to let authors learn to do that work for themselves. In regards to Lia's dialogue, you don't necessarily have to change it, but, if she is going to talk in that absurd way, we need some powerful characterization of her in other ways so we're not put off by her initially unnatural speech. Also, try to find ways to integrate the appearance of your characters rather tham dump it on us all at once.

I hope this helps! You made a nice improvement here, but some of the prose needs cleaning up. Read this through aloud a couple of times. PM me if you want me to go line-by-line with you to help. Keep up the writing, foxfire! I look forward to reading more of this. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.