Lorikeet, I Wished.

I plan on posting a series of drabbles – short works – which come from or are based on scenes in my NaNo from this year. They probably won't be in any particular order, but please enjoy;


“Joan! Come on, Arc! Tell us about God. Tell us what God. Is seeing right now.” Mark would punctuate his words with stops and pauses, his voice was always distinct. “Joan! Joooan. Arc, come on, Arc! Tell us about God!” She’d tell him no, in that calm little voice she had. He’d leave her alone for a time and then start in again, but it never seemed to bother her.

“A great bird will fly down from the heavens” she said once, arms out wide “He will swoop down and peck at the rivers and the sea, leaving holes as large as islands.” We giggled, and I saw a beautiful technicolour lorikeet scooping water in its beak. “Through these holes, the sea will leak, leaving the world desolate and hot.” And the bird drank and drank until it was swollen and heavy, like the Aboriginal Tiddalick. “In the heat, the humans will get angry, shouting and screaming to the skies, where the great bird had flown home.” The bird waddled and sat, thick feathers shining with beading sweat. “They will cry at the sky, hoping the great bird will return to them. One man will push another, then another. They will shove into them and sneer into their own faces, each one a mirror to the other.” I watched Joan’s eyes slide toward Mark at her side; he watched with the fearful rapture all her listeners had. She turned back to her audience as the lorikeet licked at its beak, stealing away the moisture in the air. “The humans will screech and kill one another, spirits rising up and up and up where the great bird will sew them together like a blanket, and wrap the world in their sorrow.” Her crowd was restless, as it always was in these sadder visions, but no one moved from their awkward trance. I felt like I was dying, the lorikieet had stolen all my breath, dry dirt coating my throat. “When the world grows again and life flows back, they will be filled with sorrow hate, and before long they will follow the human hearts and the cycle will begin again.” The lorikeet cackled at me, black eyes bright.

I wish I’d loved her.

You are too good to me. Also, you are awful to me. I can never find fault in your shorter pieces. All right, then. Nit pick first.

“A great bird will fly down from the heavens” she said once, arms out wide

Comma after heavens, period you know where.

That's the only technical thing I got out of it. As for the rest of the story, I really don't know what I can criticise. I think it's too quick a glimpse for me to comment much on the characters, as anything I say may not apply to the other drabbles, and so on. So, without more context, I don't think I can do much for you here. As they build up, hopefully I'll be able to help you more.

I will say that I like how you build up Joan and the effects she has on the people around her. The way you described them made them seem tangible and real, so their inability to stop listening or move away was believable. She's an interesting character. I think the main thing would be to make sure the narrator doesn't get too overshadowed. You told me the same thing a couple of years ago, when one of my stories was narrated by one person and revolved around someone else. It's easy to lose your narrator in amongst that.

Well, that's all I have. Hopefully I can be of more help in the future.

Pengu =D
It's a short peice, as Mat has already pointed out, and the characters are not very distinct. But I love the way the story of the parrot is told. ^^ The switching between the dialogue and the narrator's imagination was particularly effective. If it was only the dialogue I think it would have been just another story, but it's the combination of them both that really makes this special.
I enjoyed it. ^^ Can you tell?

I have absolutely nothing useful to say. But you should show us more. ^^

Penguez,

As I said to you in chat, you're one of those writers with writings that are to be enjoyed, not criticized.

To speak, I enjoyed this -- it's short. It's simple. It's - to be blatantly honest - not even that much of an interesting drabble, but I found myself wanting to read to the end...

... and at the end, I was left with an odd feeling of enjoyment and satisfaction and a small slice of disappointment. I would have loved for this to go on.

The closing line really has me pining for more. We need more Penguez works around the YWS.

*stars*

June