Utopia

Mountains of bare flesh,
Piled up one after the other
A silent slumber
From last night's wonders.

They had drowned from seas of the holy water,
Then buried under their own treasures
Of crystals and diamonds,
Gold dusts and silvery sheets.

Their faces painted with bliss
They remind me of the people,
Those who have found,
The Earthly Paradise.

Such a joy to behold,
To revel on its grandeur.
You can call it a masterpiece,
Witness heaven on earth.

Oh, a fallen angel had stood up,
Naked in all her glory.
Hush child, don't speak,
Close your eyes and go back to sleep.

Hey, Man on the Side. It's great that you're posting your work! There is a rule though that for each piece of art or writing you post, you should review at least two other people's. Following this rule also helps you get critiques on your own writing, as people are inclined to return the favor (or sometimes pay you back, if you're harsh.)

This poem had me interested from the first stanza. It's a pretty disturbing image, but you make it sound beautiful, the way the words fit together. And you do it again in the second stanza.

Something I thought was a little off was the changes in point of view/perspective. At first, there's no narrator, and then it's in first person, and then it's talking to the reader. I think you should pick one of these, and have it be consistent through all the stanzas.

I'd add some periods to this, at the very least one after the last line. In the entire poem, there's only one , at the end of the fourth stanza. Putting in more is simple, but it adds a lot.

Thanks for sharing this.

Hey there, Man! I'm sorry for not getting around to this sooner; I'm easily distracted. ^^

Content wise, I have to say that I enjoyed this. You raised some pretty interesting mental images, and that is good. I really enjoy poetry that makes me visualize and think about what's being said. Though I usually appreciate when the words are more vibrant, I really did enjoy this.

A lot of my appreciation of poems also lies heavily on the structure they're created with. What's standard in story writing isn't always so in poetry, and every punctuation mark is a halt on the flow of things. Capital letters, too -- use the rule of sentences, and keep words uncapitalized (aside from nouns) that don't begin a new stanza/sentence.

I would really appreciate the chance to read more by you. This was interesting enough, and I'd like to see what else you write. Don't hesitate to PM me should you post something else.

Thumbs up and a golden star,
June

Hi Man,

I know I’ve taken forever to do this critique, I was more busy than anticipated. What I’m going to do here is a basic line by line critique; I’ll do what I can to give suggestions that are applicable and considerate to your style. I’ll only comment on the lines that I think need a comment and I’ll end with a more general review. Remember that you don’t have to listen to me necessarily, they’re all just suggestions. Here we go.


Mountains of bare flesh,
Piled up one after the other
A silent slumber, < Comma is unnecessary.
From last night's wonders.

They had drowned from seas of the holy water,
Then buried under their own treasures
Of crystals and diamonds,
Gold dusts and silvery sheets.

Their faces painted with bliss
They remind of the people, < Are you missing a “me” after the “remind”?
Those who have found,
The Earthly Paradise, of merry and bright. < I don’t think you need “of merry and bright” most people understand Earthly Paradise on its own.

Such a joy to behold,
To revel on its grandeur.
You can call it a masterpiece,
Witness heaven on earth.

Oh, a fallen angel had stood up,
Naked in all her glory.
Hush child, don't speak,
Close your eyes and go back to sleep.


I like this, quite a lot. It’s interesting as well as meaningful and the structure is good if basic. I would suggest that you read this poem out aloud to get the feel of the rhythm and flow. I think some of your stanzas need more added to them, particularly the fourth one. Right now it’s mainly a description for the sake of imagery, it feels. Have a go at re-arranging your lines to have a sentence like structure such as this;

“Witness Heaven on Earth,
such a joy to behold.
You can call it a masterpiece
to revel on its grandeur.”

Here your stanza takes on a new meaning; you have a concrete image and intention in the lines rather than a collection of pretty statements. Someone once told me a great way to work out punctuation and line breaks. She said that if you turn your poem into a paragraph, just by deleting those spaces, you can punctuate it like that before breaking the line up. This way your punctuation stays grammatically correct and you can see your poem in a new light. It can also bring clarity and understanding to a poem, if the line doesn’t make sense in the paragraph it may also be confusing in the poem.

Nice work on this, I look forward to seeing more of your work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.