Sommers' Crash

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Wheadee
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Prologue

It was a new world. Full of coke, drinks, and easy girls. Who knew I’d be in the middle of it all? I wasn’t from here, I didn’t belong. I grew up barely getting by. The one thing these people had that I didn’t was money, and lots of it. They had money to hide their problems. Everything the houses, cars, yachts could all be traced back to money. That’s where my troubles began….
I was in a car as my cousin Pete drove.
“So Cru, tell me about this girl you’re macking on.” said Pete.
“Her name’s Rachel, she’s pretty wild if you know what I mean.” I shrugged.
“I know what you mean, she definitely has some killer legs.” Brian smiled. He was Pete’s best friend. “But then again, she’s a little bit of a chatter box.”
“Hey I’m just taking one for the team.” I smiled.
“Good, that shows loyalty.” Brian said as he gave me dap.
“I’m always there for the team as long as there’s a girl involved.” I joked.
Brian leaned back and said our motto. “United we stand, divided we fall.” He smiled. “Talk about true loyalty.”
“Nice,” Pete smiled.
“Hey, let’s stop at that Seven/Eleven over there.” Brian pointed to it as we almost passed it.
“Why?” asked Pete.
“Just stop Pete, I want some Doritos.” I said from the backseat.
“Fine,” Pete said as he pulled into the parking lot.
As Pete parked the car, Brian dug into the glove compartment. I didn’t see what he got out.
When we got out of the car the guys went ahead of me. They started arguing and whispering. Brian nodded his head towards me.
“Hey Cru, we need your help on a matter.” Said Brian.
“Hey what ever you said to Allie, that’s on you.” I shrugged as I lit my cigarette. Pete and Brian looked at me and then headed inside.
I stayed outside and took a drag from my cigarette.
I went into the store and walked to the chip aisle. By the time I got to the front register things had changed.
Brian and Pete were holding the cashier at gunpoint.
My cigarette dropped from my mouth.
“What the hell are you guys doing!” I yelled.
“Robbing this store, what’s it look like?” Pete replied.
“Ay Cru, catch!” Brian yelled. He tossed a gun to me. I moved as it landed on the floor. It went off and the front window shattered. I jumped back. This was all too much.
“I just wanted Doritos!” I yelled.
“Forget your Doritos, this is money here!” yelled Pete. “Now pick up the gun and watch this guy while we raid the safe.”
“No, this isn’t right.” I said. “We were just supposed to be going on a joy ride. Not this!”
“Cru, this isn’t up for discussion,” said Brian. “Now watch this guy while we clear the safe.”
“There is no safe!” yelled the cashier.
“Ay shut up!” Brian yelled. He walked behind the counter and started getting money from the register.
The cashier backed away slowly. I kept a good eye on the cashier. All the while the gun Brian threw lay on the ground. The cashier started acting peculiar. He slowly began pulling something out from underneath a shelf.
“Brian watch out!” I yelled.
Brian turned around and the cashier shot him. Pete started shooting, and missing every shot. The cashier was shooting back, his aim was off too. As they were down to their last bullet, the cashier took a final shot, and so did Pete. Both hit their targets. The cashier fell down and Pete slouched. Pete grabbed the money Brian dropped when he fell to the floor.
“Come on!” Pete yelled weakly. I followed Pete to the car. Before I got in I stood there.
“What about Brian?” I asked.
“Brian’s dead, get in.” said Pete. Police sirens started blaring. I jumped into the car.
Pete was coughing up blood the whole time he drove. The cops were behind us shortly.
“Pete!” I yelled. “Can’t you out run them?”
Pete tried to sit up. He began driving faster. We swerved as we hit a corner. He kept driving; the cops were still behind us. The next thing we knew there was an old lady crossing the street with her dog. Pete turned the wheel fast and crashed into a bus stop.
Everything was silent.
“Pete.” I said as I struggled to get up.
“Get out.” Pete said weakly. “Get out of here.”
“Pete you’re dying.” I said. “I can’t let you die here.”
“Go!” Pete tried to yell.
“No man, you need a doctor.” I said.
The cops had caught up to us.
They tore open my car door and threw me on the ground and handcuffed me. They didn’t need to handcuff Pete, he was already gone. Even if they handcuffed him he would’ve slipped through. Me on the other hand, I was the only one left to take the blame.
My mother used to say, bad association spoils useful habits. Damn, she was right….




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I like this world. You do mean the soda coke... never mind. First of all, we have a little policy on this site that you should try to do 2-3 reviews for every literary work you post on here. Reviews only count if they're more than 250 characters, as well. But thats not a problem. The beginning of this story is a problem. It's just a burst of narrative to say 'look how interesting this story will be,' but all it does is put of the reader. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the story, its bland, and its cliche- get rid of it. The rest of the story is better, but it suffers from 'what you say now?' syndrome. As in, there are many lines and occurrences that don't make sense with what you had before, or just in general. For example:

“What the hell are you guys doing!” I yelled.

“Robbing this store, what’s it look like?” Pete replied.

“Ay Cru, catch!” Brian yelled. He tossed a gun to me. I moved as it landed on the floor. It went off and the front window shattered. I jumped back. This was all too much.

“I just wanted Doritos!” I yelled.


No one, after seeing their friends start to rob a store and getting thrown a gun that goes off accidentally, says 'I just wanted dorritos!' Thats like B-grade action movie, not real literature. And this happens later on, too, when Cru follows Pete after his friend and a civilian just got shot. People have emotions, they don't really act like this. And this obviously isn't A Clockwork Orange. When they talk about girls, it works, because it makes sense. The rest? Its not thought through. Also, you can do with more description, a lot happens in very little space. Does it not? And, on a different note, I know people do daps in real life, but they shouldn't in stories. It sounds... juvenile. This whole thing sounds a little juvenile, really. You've got a great base for a story but your missing the description and emotion that makes stories... worth reading. Overall, go into detail, think it through, and ditch the 'ever so clever' parts. This really could be a great story, though. Its a good setting. Don't give up on it.
Spoiler
I like people thinking that I have something so scandalous to say that I put it in spoiler tags, and I'm sorry that because of this selfish desire you were roped into reading this for not real lasting value.



Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana