Deleted-ignore it

Working on a new draft.

Hi! I’m Narniafreak! Interesting beginning. It definitely caught my attention, and left me with questions of what Harlequin Park is all about. Good Job!

Okay first instead of using apostrophes when someone talks use quotations. Also, every time a different person talks make a new paragraph so readers don’t get confused [[like I did a few times]] on who is talking.

There’s a small bit of an info dump at the beginning that could be changed, but I think it’d be alright if you left it how it is.

You use conjunctions [and, but, or, yet etc.] at the beginning of a lot of your sentences. Technically, those are incorrect, so you might want to change a few.

Here’s a few things I found that might need changed.

and one thing was certain; things were shaping up to be pretty odd

You use the word “thing[s]” twice in a row and can get repetitive so you might want to change that.

The Harlequin Park opened during every school holiday, but only during the summer holidays the Harlequin Tree-House Competition was held.

Again, you use the word “holidays” a lot.

His lips were lilac and glossy! His goatee beard was pink! He had an orange moustache! His spiky claw-like eyelashes were lime green! His eyebrows were yellow! And his eye colour, like all the other Harlequins around him, changed every time he blinked!

I’m pretty sure you don’t need all the exclamation points after each sentence of description. Also, when describing characters don’t give us readers a big info dump about them, slip descriptions throughout the story, with actions and what others think, etc.

The high reaching double doors were pushed open, startling The Doll.

None of the other characters were startled?

She started to drum the table with her fingernails, which were changing colour every time they touched the table

This isn’t a mistake, but I really like the fingernail color changing. That’s pretty cool.

I think that would not only be a horrid thing to do, but also a risk to far.’

I think the “to” after risk should be a “too”

‘My crew and The Handsome Women, my dear ship,

Since “The Handsome Women” is a ship, it’s should be in italics.

Anyways, this is a good start on a great fantasy. The different things like the fingernails, the doll crying glitter, those are pretty cool. Hope I helped! =]

-Narniafreak!

Thus far, I'm hooked! I love it! It's unique, WAY original, and totally captivating. I love your characters, and I think my favorite is The Pirate!

There are only a few things wrong that I can see. One, is that each character should get his/her own paragraph whenever they speak. You jumble several up together, which makes things slightly confusing. I'll admit that I did that at first, but it was the first thing I learned to correct, so it's turned into a big deal for me. Plus, it makes things less confusing.

Also, while you can use single quotes (') for dialogue, the double quotes (") are more common and easier to understand. So it's not vital you change that, it's merely a suggestion.

One last thing, I find I can barely picture your characters. For some reason, I kept picturing the Doll as a bunny, and your Pirate as sort of a female version of Jack Sparrow, but meaner and less quirky. Plus, your wide array of characters may prove difficult to use, and I wonder the significance of The Red Fox, The Husky, and a few others. Give us details and everything should work better!

I'm glad you didn't give away the Pirate's idea, because that was definately a huge hook. Also, I must say, I love how you made the Sun and Moon talk. It's like a little kid's fantasy land! I love it! Keep writing! And maybe PM me when you post chapter two? Thanks for the awesome read!

~Addict

Looove it! It is so imaginative, very unique, and I love the characters. I've got a couple nitpicks that haven't been covered yet, and then I will do an overview on things like characters, setting, plot, and the like. Corrections will be in red.

And oh, did they queue, the children and adults alike, in front of the Harlequin doors waiting to get a sneaky glimpse of The Park through the letterboxes!

I really like this description.

And Painted in watercolours, on the blue sky above them all, viewable across the entire country, were these words:

The Harlequin Adventure Park,

Where The Sun met The Moon,

But Day never met Night.

I thought this part very imaginative.

The prize and the challenges, guests were welcomed to take part in, were decided upon by The Harlequin Imagineers. These meetings were held in a secret location.

‘Odd, strange, and peculiar you ask? Yes! I want the fantastically absurd and the brilliantly obscene! Holy toad toes!’ The Ringleader exclaimed. ‘It takes a lot more imagination to believe in the extraordinary, and the stronger their imagination, the less likely we‘re going to fade!’ His lips were lilac and glossy! His goatee beard was pink! He had an orange moustache! His spiky claw-like eyelashes were lime green! His eyebrows were yellow! And his eye colour, like all the other Harlequins around him, changed every time he blinked!

This has already been corrected by one of the other reviewers, but I just felt like putting in my two cents. First of all, this is an info dump, which is very naughty. I also find it interesting that you gave such a detailed description of the ringleader but kind of skimmed over the other characters. Please, get rid of the exclamation points.

‘I say, we give them a heart-stopping challenge.’ The Danger Ranger suggested. He too was multi-coloured, and his skin was covered with cuts and scrapes, bandages and bruises. New paragraph. ‘Yes my brave man, I must agree, that would sort out the wimps from the winners!’ The Toy Soldier agreed patting the Danger Ranger on the back.

While your dialouge does flow beautifully, if you don't start a new paragraph everytime someone new begins to speak, it becomes very confusing.

BOOM! The high reaching double doors were pushed open, startling the Doll. The Pirate stood there glaring, with her hands on her hips, blowing her chewing gum in the shape of a parrot, so that it actually flew over the heads of the Imagineers, and out through the balcony. New paragraph.‘I say we kidnap every last child.’ The Pirate said indifferently, strolling her way across the carpet, and sitting herself down on the table instead of a chair.

For the most part just a few spelling and grammatical errors in this paragraph. Don't worry, I struggle with where to put the proper commas too. The easiest way to figure out where a comma is needed is to read your piece out loud. Wherever you naturally pause, that is where you should put a comma. Also, you have all of the characters names capitalized, but you don't need the the before their name to be capitalized.

She started to drum the table with her fingernails, which were changing colour every time they touched the table. The Danger Ranger was entranced, and was nodding his head to the beat.’

I love the part about her fingernails, great visual. You don't need the apostrophe at the end of the sentence.

‘If we kidnap them, they'll be found missing!’ The Doll said nervously, she didn't want to upset The Pirate. ‘In my opinion, I think that would not only be a horrid thing to do, but also a risk too far.’

I'm not sure far is the proper word to use here. Perhaps great?

‘There will be no kidnapping as long as I'm the Ringleader.’ The Ringleader declared, putting an end to their disagreement. ‘Do you get it? Ringleader! Leader!’ He chuckled, trying measly to diffuse the tension. The Pirate muttered darkly under her breath and glared over at the balcony where she could see The Sun and The Moon peering into the chamber room. Make this a new sentence. They hastily whistled and pretended not to be spying.

I think the last sentence would sound better if it were reworded to say something like: They hastily began to whistle, as if they had not been spying.

‘Now, has anyone got any ideas for the competition winner’s prize?’ The Ringleader asked, glancing over at each Imagineer. The Geisha was dreamily looking away, so The Ringleader glanced at The Red Fox, she was in deep conversation with The Husky, so The Ringleader glanced over at The Gypsy who was starring into her crystal ball. ‘Look at how many children are lining up to enter The Harlequin Park this summer!’ The Gypsy said hungrily in her misty voice, her crystal ball was reflecting the long lines of children outside The Harlequin Doors.

I am wondering if you really need this many Imagineers? It seems to me that the Ringleader, the Doll, and the Pirate all play important roles. The other characters feel like they are just there to be filler. Sure, you need some background characters to balance out the personalities of the other three. But don't overwhelm us. Perhaps you could keep two or three of the other characters and cut the rest?

‘Let’s see who can dance the best!’ The Doll suggested, getting off her chair and standing on her toes.

This confused me since the Ringleader had just asked for suggestions for prizes, not for another suggestion for a competition. If you still want to keep this part, move it up in the story.

'Oh! How wonderfully, wonderful that is, Doll my dear!’ The Ringleader beamed. New Sentence here. He put one hand on her back and holding her plastic hand, they swayed around the room. The Doll giggled silkily. The Pirate frowned. New pargraph. ‘Let’s get on with this meeting!’ She barked. ‘I don't like being on land longer then what is necessary!’ She took The Ringleader's quill, and pressing hard against the scroll of parchment, she scribed down her suggestion.

I think you meant scribbled. Even if you didn't, this word works much better.

The Pirate winked, and somersaulted backwards, over the balcony, and landed safely, on her high heeled boots, on the ground.

While your commas are in the proper place, or at least I think they are, this is a horribly awkward sentence when you read it out loud. It might do better if your reworded it to say something like: The Pirate winked and somersaulted backwards, over the balcony, landing safely on her high heeled boots.

‘But the meeting isn't finished yet!’ The Ringleader reminded her, waggling his finger disapprovingly.

‘Oh, you are a horrible little thief! Oh, you awful, awful, bully! You should be ashamed of yourself! Oh, you disgust me, you, you, you!’ The Doll cried after her. ‘Oh, oh, oh,’ The Pirate mimicked The Doll without looking around. ‘Do shut up!’

‘We'll do that!’ The Ringleader decided, having read the Pirate's recommendation.

‘Ah, the wonderful wonder that is Dream-Dust.’ The Ringleader said, sniffing in the twinkling breeze that was carrying golden glittering particles. The sky was split right in the middle, the left side was in darkness, and the right was a bright blue. Start a new sentence here. The Moon was talking to The Sun, but then greeting The Harlequins said, ‘Hello! Ding-dong-do! Is the meeting over?’ New paragraph.‘Yes it is, and we're going to have whole load of fun this summer.’ The Ringleader grinned, revealing his horrible teeth, (there was a gap in between each tooth!) as he put his arm round The Doll whose eyes were crying glitter tears.

So the sentence where the moon is talking to the Imagineers was worded rather oddly. Perhaps you could have it say: The Moon was talking to the Sun, but then greeted the Harlequins, saying... Also, the last sentence I'd reword it to say: who was crying glitter tears.


Characters: I've already covered this. Pretty much you have three characters who are wonderfully developed and then you have eight or so background characters, who seem to add nothing to the story. Like I said, I'd cut it down a bit. Also, and this is just me, but I kind of wish you'd give your characters actual names instead of titles. But, that is completely up to you.

Setting: You do a great job of describing the setting in the beginning, but then when the Imagineers are holding their meeting, you do very little description of their meeting place. I'd imagine it being someplace as fantastic as the people residing there. However, you didn't show us this. Remember that when you describe a setting to use as many of the senses as you can. Besides what the room looks like, what does it smell like? What textures are there to feel or what temperature is the setting? What can one hear in this place? Just make sure that you work these descriptions of the setting in with the dialouge so that there isn't another info dump.

Plot: Currently the plot is about a competition to be held by the Harlequin Imagineers? It seems weak, to be honest, but I'm sure you've got some interesting plot twists up your sleeve. So far you've been able to draw me into your whimsical world and I am curious as to what the Pirate wrote down on that piece of paper. I'm very excited to see where you go with this.


Feel free to PM me if you have any questions and I'd love it if you'd PM me when you post the next chapter.