Aradel's Daughter Chapter III

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Chapter III - Saved
Terrin thrust Cela into her new room. It was up in a tower, a medium sized circular space. Rich red and gold brocaded carpet covered the floor, squishing under Cela's feet. A great map of the earth covered part of the wall, and beautiful tapestries covered the walls and ceiling. A large bed covered in squishy pillows and fuzzy blankets stood at one end, a desk for writing stuffed with parchment, pens, and books at the other.
"Cela," He said politely, "This is your room. You will be sharing it with my friend Bryn, and yes, she is one of them. But she will not hurt you, for if she attempted to, her punishment would be severe. You will be fine." Terrin smiled nicely, and walked out of the room, locking the heavy wooden door behind him. In the shadows near the desk, there was a young girl with red eyes.
"Hey Cela!" She exclaimed, not violent or hostile. As she stepped into the light she revealed that she had shoulder length blonde hair, and wore a fancy dress of sapphire blue silk. Golden threads spun rich patterns flowers and leaves.
"H-hello Bryn?" Cela questioned.
"Yep! That's be me!" She smiled, and upon noticing how timid Cela was remarked, "What? I'm not going to eat you or anything!" This only resulted in new terror for Cela. "It's okay." Bryn said, walking over to hug Cela warmly. She stood a full head shorter than Cela, but had been on the earth far longer. She was an old woman stuck in a thirteen year olds body.
Cela shied away at this action, her back to the door. She knew it wasn't open though. She held her hands in front of her, and prayed that she would live through it.
Bryn stepped back, "Here, I'll just let you think things over, besides, I have to talk to Terrin, I'll be back in a while Cela." Cela crossed to the bed, warily watching Bryn, as she pulled a skeleton key out of her sleeve, and unlocked the door, locking it behind her as she stepped out.
Cela sat on the bed and took off her tennis shoes. She shut her eyes tight and imagined she was back at Sal's cottage. She let herself flop back onto the bed, and relaxed. First she started with her toes, tightening them and then relaxing them. Next she pulled the tense area to include her feet, and tightened and relaxed again. She continued the routine up her calves and into her thighs, her torso, upper and lower arms, her fingers, until finally her face was included. Then she worked backwards, until at last she lay still on the satin comforter.
Why me? She thought, Why did my brother have to side with the vampires? So not cool. Slowly she opened her eyes and stared at the red silk canopy covering the bed. She thought about her mother, Anika, and how much she had resembled Terrin. They had the same brown eyes, and curly red hair. Anika had always been laughing, in Cela's feint memories from before Terrin ran away, the memories of a six year old girl. After Terrin ran away though, he was presumed dead, and Anika never laughed anymore. She was somber and solemn up to the moment she died, killed by her own son, who's fake death she had been mourning.
There was a knock on the door, and the feint sound of rustling fabric before it swung inward, there was Bryn, with Salenca on her arm.
"Sal!" Cela exclaimed, jumping up and hugging her. Bryn stepped aside.
"Terrin though you might like some company of your own kind, but I'm sure in the end you'll grow used to us, he did." Bryn smiled and walked back out, locking Salenca in the room with Cela. Sal's face contained no smile or look of joy however, she was hiding behind her hair, a look of amazement on her face.
"That girl, she is a vampire, isn't she." Sal murmured.
"Yeah, her name is Bryn, she is one of Terrin's higher ups I guess." Cela replied, combing her hair behind her ear with her hand.
"Did you say Terrin?" Sal gasped in amazement.
"Yeah, my older brother, Terrin."
"Oh my word. He's alive!" Sal remarked.
"Yes, he's alive. But he sided with the vampires, he no longer thinks that earth is the humans planet. But Salenca, more importantly, how did you get here? I never saw Xavier capture you." Cela replied.
"Back at the house, when I went downstairs, he tackled me. I was severely hurt but he told me that if I screamed out to you he would kill me. I watched in silent terror as he grabbed you and drug you away. Back at me he whispered in a hoarse voice 'I'll be back for you,' and left with you. Hours later he came back, and I was still lying on the floor. He helped me up and took me to this castle. I've been sitting in a dark, damp, dismal room until it was that the girl, Bryn, came and brought me to you." Salenca said.
"I see. I've been in a dark room the entire time as well. It wasn't even an hour ago that I was brought here. Xavier came and grabbed me, and drug me to Terrin. Terrin went on about a perfect world with vampires and humans living peacefully together. But he said something about the resistance, Aradel. Sal, how did he know? We have yet to do anything!" Cela said with worry.
"I don't know Cel, I don't know. He has been gone for ten years, and it's been eight since your mother was murdered. I bet he doesn't know she's even dead."
"Sal," Cela said slowly, "He knows all right, Sal, Terrin killed Mom. He said he would have killed me as well, but I was already in your care at the time. It was you that kept me from dying. You and the cottage. Thank you Salenca, thank you for every thing."
"He killed her?" Salenca said with disbelief, not seeming to catch anything past that. "He killed Anika? Oh Cela!" Sal remarked, falling on her knees and sobbing. "Why the hell would anyone kill Anika. Your mother was as kind as could be, caring about every little thing, and never harming anyone if she could help. Why would anyone do such a horrible thing? Let alone her own son! Her child!" Salenca cried some more, before silencing herself and standing. "I can't believe it, that horrible boy."
"It’ll be all right Sal, I can’t believe he did it either though." Cela remarked, running over the thought that her brother had murdered her mother. Murder, she thought, What a strange word. And how about Assassination? Hmh? How famous do you have to be before you are Assassinated instead of murdered? What’s the difference exactly anyways? But though Cela was thinking it, she didn’t say it out loud. Salenca was obviously very shocked, in learning that her best friend had been killed by her friends own son, her flesh and blood.
"I’d kill him before I’d let him kill her. Or you. And Cela," She said, "I would never let him lay such as a hand on you. I swear. And you didn’t need to thank me for taking you in, I would have done that no matter what the case was." Sal was going to say something else, but at that moment Bryn walked in with Terrin himself. Xavier was sulking behind them in the shadows of the door frame. Sal’s mouth fell agape in shock at the man before her, who had previously been and innocent fifteen year old kid, and was now a known murderer.
"Why the bloody hell did you murder your mother," Salenca shrieked at Terrin, marching up to him. He stood a full head taller than she, but however she had an air of authority that he did not.
"Why hello Salenca." He replied smoothly, "How wonderful that you came to keep Cela company."
"You dirty little monster," She yelled, launching herself at him much like Cela had done. But Terrin was not surprised this time. He laughed.
"Bryn!" He called, "I think Cela’s had more than enough of this visitor today."
"Yes master," Bryn replied, bowing. She walked up to Sal and grabbed her wrist firmly. Bryn looked Sal in the eyes. "You will obey me, okay?" She commanded, Sal’s eyes were blank, she nodded. "Now come with me, you are going back to your room. You were bad, you can’t attack the master."
"Yes Bryn," Salenca replied, blindly following her out the door.
"So," Terrin started, "You obviously told Sal about me murdering mother." He said, a grim look in his eye as the door slammed shut behind Sal.
"Yes, I did." Cela replied, "Why would I not tell her about your cruel acts. Murdering our mom, running away from the world. What the hell was in your head Terrin?" She yelled questioningly, slowly advancing on Terrin.
"Goodbye Cela, I think you have had more than enough people see you today. Bryn will be back shortly. Good night, Cela." And with that Terrin walked out the door and let it swing shut behind him. Cela screamed in rage and threw herself down on the bed, smashing the pillows, kicking the comforter on to the floor. She curled up under the soft sheet, and cried herself to sleep.

Cela woke in the morning to small fingers combing through her hair. Her mother, Anika, was surely by her bedside, with a warm glass of water and a smile on her face. However as Cela opened her eyes she did not see Anika, but a small girl with blood-red eyes. And then Cela remembered, Bryn. She had not had a mother in many years, she wasn't eight, and there surely was no glass of warmed water waiting to soothe her throat. She wasn't even in Salenca's small, warm, cozy cottage. She was in Terrin's castle, surrounded by vampires.
Upon realizing this Cela instantly shied away from Bryn's soft hand. She wanted as little as possible to do with the small girl. No, Cela thought, She isn't a girl. She is a monster, a murderer. She's killed many people to keep herself alive. Yet as hard as she tried to picture Bryn as the bad guy, she just couldn't put the picture together. Bryn was a kind young girl, who in her imortal human age was stuck in the body of a thirteen year old. Cela honestly felt sorry for her.
"Oh," Bryn exclaimed, seeing Cela waking, "I'm sorry." She glanced at her hand and placed it in her lap. She was sitting in an arm chair near the side of the bed, "You were fitful in your sleep. Tossing and turning, yelling and shouting. I had to try something. You stopped once I let my hand brush through your hair, so I kept at it, all night long." Bryn said wistfully. "You know, I've often wished for a child, maybe that was what pulled me to care for your brother when he was cold and lost. Of course, for me, such things are impossible." She smiled, her mind far away from the present time.
It was then that Cela realized, truly, that Bryn would never hurt her. Bryn wouldn't hurt anyone. She wasn't fragile, Cela realized, but her very nature gave her the impulse to help, not hurt. Of course, if there was blood present, that might change things.
"Good morning Bryn." Cela said cheerfully, sitting up. She smiled at Bryn, "I'm sorry you didn't get any sleep last night, you could have just woken me up."
"Oh that's quite alright Cela, I really can't sleep. To be truthful with you, I haven't slept in decades. I will nap, ever once in a while. In a cool dark place, not a coffin of course," She responded, "I prefer much softer things than wooden caskets." She laughed, and her laugh was so true, so clear and melodic, that Cela found she could not help but join in.
"Well... I've got quite the day ahead of me, I'm guessing. Do you have any clue what Terrin has planned?"
"No, but I could probably get Salenca in here for you soon. But first let's get you in some clothes, you need something new. I don't really know what Terrin is going to do..." She trailed off, standing up and offering Cela a hand. Cela gratefully accepted it, she was still a bit weak from the past few days.
Bryn lead Cela into the bathroom, and let her take a warm shower. Cela felt relief as the warm water soothed her aching muscles, and ran down her grungy skin. When she stepped out of the shower, Bryn handed her a fluffy white towel and a green bath robe.
Cela dried off and followed Bryn into the closet, she couldn't help but let her jaw fall agape. It was the biggest closet she had ever seen. Richly brocaded dresses hung down on one side, in so many colors that Cela couldn't possibly name them all. On the other side of the room there were hangers with pants and skirts, as well as tee-shirts, blouses, tunics, long sleeved shirts, hoodies, and just about every article of clothing imaginable.
"Take your pick," Bryn said, choosing herself a amethyst purple gown. Cela walked over to the pants and grabbed a pair of dark washed skinny jeans. She slid them on along with a neon yellow tee, and a sky-blue hoodie.
Next Bryn lead her back into the bathroom, and stood on a stool to reach the top of her head. Cela laughed as Bryn pulled her copper red hair back in a braid. Next it was Bryn's turn. Cela stood behind Bryn and pulled her long blonde hair into an elegant bun at the nape of her neck, and slowly used her finger to curl sections of her damp hair.
When they were finished they walked back into the bedroom. Bryn smiled again before saying, "I have to go tell Terrin that you are ready." A tone of regret was in the girls voice, and the smile slid off of her face. Cela had almost forgotten why she was here, Terrin had had her captured.
"Okay," Cela replied solemnly, and sat at the writing desk. She heard Bryn shuffle her feet across the carpet, and the door swing shut with a creak, and the lock click. Cela was once again, trapped, just when she had felt she was saved. Little did she know how easily her life could fall lower than it already had, just when she thought that it couldn't get any worse.

***
Okay, there is some things that are not in italics, sorry.... I'll work on fixing them while I edit. Keep in my that my edits are largely dependent on you awesome readers/editors/critiquers/other people who help me!!! XD
She wrote herself wings and flew away...




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I'm back!

So I found this chapter a bit better than the others. You took a bit more time in describing things, so bravo!

I have a hard time believing that Cela is a gullible character, so why did she instantly trust Bryn? You did well at first with her staying away from Bryn whenever she could, but then the second half of the chapter with she and Bryn doing girly stuff with the hair and all is very odd. Which brings me to my next point.

I'm confused as to what kind of world you have here. You seem to be mixing up a fantasy world and a modern-day world. Jeans and t-shirts in a vampire castle? That's extremely odd. Unless you take the time before this chapter to ease the reader into your world, the reader's brain is not going to adapt to this picture very easily. We've grown up to believe fantasy and real life are two completely different worlds. That's why a modern-day fantasy is rather difficult to write. You have to compensate for both and introduce everything at just the right time, explaining things just the right way.

Sal didn't make me happy being there. I still don't know who she is. I've been thinking Sal was Cela's older sister, but that's obviously not the case. Help me out here, haha. What is Sal's purpose in this story? Give her a purpose and show the reader that Sal really is important. At the moment, after reading this chapter, she seems like a burden to the MC. Sal was the one breaking down and crabbing and complaining while Cela was handling it rather well (almost too well).

Hope this helped. If you have any questions in anything I say in these reviews, please don't hesitate to send me a PM or catch me in chat. ^^

Keep writing!

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And on I come to chapter three.


Rich red and gold brocaded carpet covered the floor, squishing under Cela's feet. A great map of the earth covered part of the wall, and beautiful tapestries covered the walls and ceiling. A large bed covered in squishy pillows and fuzzy blankets stood at one end, a desk for writing stuffed with parchment, pens, and books at the other.


You've taken your first stpes in description it seems, keep it up and try not to repeat the same words over and over again.

"Yep! That's be me!"


Does she mean to say this or does she mean - that will be me or that's me ?


After Terrin ran away though, he was presumed dead, and Anika never laughed anymore. She was somber and solemn up to the moment she died, killed by her own son, who's fake death she had been mourning.


Now this is what i was writing about in previous posts. Well done, add a little more emotion to make it more sisterly (if you want) and your done!

and the feint faint sound of rustling fabric before it swung inward, there was Bryn, with Salenca on her arm.


faint right?

I watched in silent terror as he grabbed you and drug you away. Xavier came and grabbed me, and drug me to Terrin.


I'm guessing your from south or mid USA right?


who in her immortal human age was stuck in the body of a thirteen year old.


Hmm... overall its much much better than the rest of the chapters. Much more slower and the emotions were more natural than artificial unlike before. You have indeed improved a lot since the last chapter. Keep it going, and now for some pointers.

You still have not completely given a good description on what kind of world the characters are living in, as i wrote before. Also how come Cela suddenly started to trust and play with Bryn when she seemed to have hated Vampire a few minutes ago. And also doesn't it occur to Cela that her Brother's most likely a Vampire as there's no other way he would be the master of other Vampires, is there? Then of course we come to your famous 'comical relief' character Sal. Who is she anyway? What part does she play in this story apart from being a nanny or sister or some kind of relation to Cela? Its a bit confusing.

Great job anyway, keep it up you've improved greatly.

See ya till the next chapter!
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star