The Memory Guardians-Prologue

Ok, so this is the first time that I have posted on here in a while. I hope that this turns into a novel (that is if I can keep the same idea going ). Critique this well because I am positive that it needs it.

Hope that you enjoy it and sorry if it is a little confusing.


"Christoph," She breathed looking up. Blood poured from her leg soaking the sandy ground around her quickly in crimson. For a split moment Christoph saw fear flash before her face as she looked frantically about for him. He ran toward her upon seeing her fall to the ground. Cradling her head in his arms he pulled her toward his heart and kissed her head. She breathed a heavy sigh as if a sudden burden had been lifted from her shoulders just from his touch.

"Mistress we must get you away from here and heal your leg," His voice, although he wanted it to sound brave, was strangled and caught in his throat.

"My dear Christoph," She said shakily, "There is nothing you can do to save me. I am going to die here in this field. Not even the best healer could save me." At this a distant look came over her giving her the visage of death. Christoph knew this look he had seen it on his father's face so many years before, yet this look could not be easily forgotten.

"No, I won't let you die Cornelia please let me take you to the healer he will stop the bleeding," Christoph shook her gently out of her state. He had to save her she could not die and leave him alone. They still had so much left to do.

"You must go alone now I am afraid. Please, find me an heir you must or it will be lost," She said, as if she had read his mind, but her voice was softer and this unnerved Christoph as the realization that this was probably the last time he would converse with his friend.

"Cornelia please--"

She groped for his hand and he met it bringing it to his face but it fell to the ground leaving behind something cold and metallic. He looked down to see a small key resting in his palm. Intricate swirls spun around the handle in a knot of silver and a sapphire was protected within the swirls. He had never seen this key before but he knew what it meant that she was giving it to him. Still he looked down into her face out of pure shock but she did not meet him with the expression which he had seen on her face before she explained another of her secrets. Her eyes were not shining nor did her hair gently cascade down her shoulders in a pale waterfall. Instead Christoph found himself staring at the face that was beyond pain. The small peaceful smile was her only expression as if she had already ascended into the world of the dead.

"Do not fail me," she whispered locking contact with his eyes one last time before the last bit of light slipped from them and her body went limp in his arms.

"No," Christoph found himself nearly screaming out. He felt his heart wrench from within him as if chains were pulling tightly across it. It began to pound heavily within his chest sending blood roaring through his ears. Tears spilled from his eyes and evaporated as they hit the dusty ground. He could not move or breath as if the gods had sucked every last bit of air from the world but they were to cruel to let him die. No matter how much he pleaded with them nothing could kill him now that she was gone. He had to finish his deed no matter how painful it was.

It could have been minutes but more likely it was hours before he decided that it was time to leave his mistress for the last time. Finally, the breath came in fitful sobs in which he buried his face in her hair feeling the tendrils wipe his tears away. Leaning down toward her face he felt his hot lips touch her cold unfeeling ones. In one last gesture, which she would never feel, he promised her his love. Wishing with all his heart that she could see him during that moment he left one final kiss on her head.

Than he left her body, unburied and unmarked, but always remembered.

Keep posting! There was one thing I had a question about- who is Christoph, how does he know Cornelia? Is she his mother? You mentioned his father, who had been in the same situation.
Anyway, I hope to read more!

Hello!

Very nice piece, and I loved some of the description you used. This is a great start to a novel that, by the sounds of it, could go pretty far!

For a prologue, you're on the right track, I think. You provide enough to tease the reader and keep them reading but not enough to satisfy them. It's like a mix between a first chapter and a prologue: You start to introduce the characters and a lot of the plot, but you fail to answer any questions the reader may have, and because you introduced the plot, the reader will have questions.

For example: The biggest point I see is when Christoph is told to find the heir or all hope is lost. This is fine until you go into more and more paragraphs, talking about whatever and you talk so much about the girl dying that the time could have been well-spent explaining the need for an heir. The reader is left hanging off the cliff by a pinky, hoping you would help them back up, but instead you leave them hanging until you're ready to explain. The reader will get tired of waiting very quickly and eventually fall out of the book, and you lose the reader.

I think it would be more appropriate to end the story along the lines of "Find me an heir or all hope is lost." This way, the prologue sounds more of a prologue ('cause it ends at a cliffhanger that remains unanswered until later on), and the reader will be interested in hearing what happened to the woman's leg. Instead what happened here, the reader got sick of reading about the woman dying to the point where they want her to hurry up and die so they can answer their questions. The reader doesn't know the woman that well, so don't spend so much time on a character no one knows.

And as a quick note, the mistress wouldn't die so quickly like that unless she popped the vein in her thigh (Isn't there a big vein there that spurts blood when struck?) and she's been sitting there a while. But then, if she was sitting there long, why was Christoph so slow to come to her aid? By the sounds of it, he was watching her the entire time. When someone's hurt like that, he should be wrapping her leg with cloth to help lessen the bleeding, especially if she wasn't there long. Try to clear that up.

I thought the basic plot idea looked pretty good though! The key looked fancy shmancy, and I really am curious as to who this woman really is. Your description is excellent, as I've said before, so I trust that clearing up some concerns the reader would have will be simple enough. It's just a matter of where to put it!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Quite touching, actually, although I think there were some commas that you left out.

Please forgive me if my corrections are wrong though, this is my first time correcting someone.

For example
"Mistress we must get you away from here and heal your leg," His voice, although he wanted it to sound brave, was strangled and caught in his throat.
I think that there should be a comma after the word Mistress.

"No, I won't let you die Cornelia please let me take you to the healer he will stop the bleeding," Christoph shook her gently out of her state. He had to save her she could not die and leave him alone.
After Cornelia there should be a comma.

Other than that, this intro was well done, I must say.

Hey Caite

Blood poured from her leg soaking the sandy ground around her quickly in crimson. - I don't think that you need the quickly here. It just seems really out of place and like you are trying to tell us too hard that it's coming out of her leg fast. I think the fact that it is soaking into the sand probably means there is a lot of blood anyways.

For a split moment Christoph saw fear flash before her face as she looked frantically about for him. - I would try 'flashed across her face' before makes it sound as though it's in front of her face.

Christoph knew this look he had seen it on his father's face so many years before, yet this look could not be easily forgotten. - I don't really like this sentence. Even though it's not a load of information so it can't really be considered an info dump, it just seems like you are pressing this information on us and it doesn't seem very natural.

He had to save her she could not die and leave him alone. They still had so much left to do. - Again this seems rather unnatural. It like hints to this bigger picture and just seems somewhat out of place. Perhaps you need to try and weave these pieces of information more intricately into the story or the description.

"You must go alone now I am afraid. Please, find me an heir you must or it will be lost," She said - I don't like this line of dialogue again it is the same as the pieces of description I have pointed out. I think you are trying to hard to put these little story hints in and they are just not working. Here the dialogue just doesn't seem appropriate to the moment and it doesn't seem like natural speech. Perhaps you can try something like "You...you must go on. You must find him Christoph. If you don't it will be lost, it will be lost forever." - so you are still hinting at what you want to hint at but with more emotion and less just blatantly telling the reader. Of course it might not be completely inline with your plot but it's just an example.

Still he looked down into her face out of pure shock but she did not meet him with the expression which he had seen on her face before she explained another of her secrets. - This sentence is a little confusing and just feels like you got a little tangled up in the explanation. Perhaps if you go back and try to restructure or rephrase it.

"No," Christoph found himself nearly screaming out. - This felt a tad cliche reaction wise. I like the description that follows but just the fact that he screams no feels a little cliched and odd.

last bit of air from the world but they were to cruel to let him die. - It should be 'too cruel to let him die' I think.

Than he left her body, unburied and unmarked, but always remembered. - It should be 'Then he left her body'

Characters - Your characters seem a little one dimensional and a little stereotypical especially when you put them in this sort of situation. They don't seem to have much depth to them and this important for trying to get your reader to connect to a character. What might help you here is character profiles. Go through each character and write down what they look like, what is their personality like? What clothes do they were? What do they like to do? Things like this that can help bring a character to life in your mind and then when you commit them to paper they should come alive to the reader aswell.

Dialogue - I'm afraid all your dialogue was not that great. Sometimes you appeared to be using the dialogue to place important plot points, which is sometimes ok. But with your dialogue there was no characterisation there or emotion there to carry off these plot points. So they just stood out and appeared very unnatural. One thing you could do with your dialogue is to speak it out loud to yourself after you have written it. If you stumble over the words or if they feel weird to say then it is probably because the way you have written the dialogue is very unnatural. Dialogue should also be used to portray an element of your character's personality. Everyone speaks slightly differently and has patterns in the way in which they speak. So consider that next time you write dialogue. Also for someone who is on the verge of dying, Cornelia doesn't sound like she is having much difficulty talking. So consider the situation when you write dialogue also. Which leads me onto my next point about emotion. The dialogue wasn't very full of emotion, yes you were telling us in the tags that it was very emotional but it just didn't come on across in the dialogue. For a very emotional piece that is key.

Pacing - I thought that your pacing was pretty good. I didn't feel too rushed as often happens sometimes in prologues and you left enough room for the reader potentially to get to know the relationship a bit. Although if you consider the points I made in character and dialogue then that would make this all the more powerful.

Description - I thought in the most part you description was very good. There were instances where you got tangled up and it became confusing to read but there was also instances where the description flowed very well and I very much enjoyed those moments. One of my favourites being the moment when Christoph realises Cornelia is dead. I thought that section was very good and then the last paragraph was also very good. So keep that up.

Overall I think you need to be careful that your characters are not too one dimensional and I think that you need to inject more emotion into this piece to stop it from getting too cliche and then you would have a pretty powerful prologue on your hands. Also you just need to be careful that you are not forcing too many hints on the reader and if you do want to do that then mask it so that they don't stand out so blatantly and pull the reader from the story.

If you have any questions just PM me

Bex x

Thank you guys so much. I will definitely be paying more attention to the characters and trying not to make them seem to cliched. I also agree how some of the discription and dialogue seem almost forced and unnatural. Your suggestions were exactly what I wanted as I said that I haven't written anything in a while.

Thanks again,

-Cait

]Haai CaitE Baloney! I found this a very interesting piece of writing, and my head is already spinning with ideas of what the story may end up like~! Un-Nyah~~
HOWEVA! I has a few suggestions that may be helpful to you, so please listen desu~!

Gomennasai / sorry if some of these have already been said!

Firstly, I found Cornelia’s death rather… corny… But, remember: I’m an evil heartless wench! I am as Mad as a Hatter, and I love death, horror and sadness, so don’t take it personally. I would make the scene more bloody and dramatic if I was you

Secondly, nobody dies that peacefully. I don’t care if you’re the friggin Pope, you won’t lay peacefully in your lovers arms the go limp when you die. Death is agonising and it’s a rare person who can go to deaths gates without crying out in pain.
NOTE: people are very ugly and sick looking when they die, so add things like her crying out in pain, and maybe a tad of saliva dripping out of the corner of her mouth, maybe how her hair is tangled and her dress is tattered, or at least add pale skin from blood loss. Plus, you should add a clip of Christopher fighting off the last of the bad guys who had injured Cornelia before he goes to her side.

Thirdly, you need to add more character descriptions. I think you should describe Cornelia as a noble lady, maybe even an elf…? And Since I’m Guessing that Christopher is her Vassal or body guard, make him look like a powerful knight with armor on~

Fourthly, you likely wouldn’t die from a wound in the leg (well, maybe if you hit that lethal leg artery… oh well, it’d help your readers think less if you put her wound elsewhere) Make her wound deeper and in a fatal area! Get creative and describe the laceration to help the readers understand how traumatic this is for Christopher

Fifthly, I’m not sure what time period this is in, but I’m going to guess it’s medieval… you need to clarify that in the prologue so the readers have a bit of back ground knowledge before they start!

(BTW: did you know you die after fifteen minutes of blood loss? That fact might not entirely be accurate, but keep that in mind)

Otherwise, I found this greatly intrugng and very well writen! Keep up the good work, Nya~Nya

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