So Cold. (Story for Forest's song contest)

As the title suggests, this is for Forest's song meaning story contest. The song is "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin and thats what I think of when I hear this song. I'm not sure how sensical it is, but I like it!

Hope you guys enjoy! (I know, not very long. Hey, its a 3 minute song!)

-Irish

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Hope is lost. There is no point in trying to fight these people any longer. They have us cornered, as they always did, but now we recognize it and all have either fled, or been killed.

The others are waiting. Waiting for their death.

We all huddle in our small cabin at the edge of the village; we listen as the sound of crackling fire as it eats away at the houses around us and count as endless minutes tick by. I look at all of us, finally, we show how defenseless we are… defenseless, weak.

Underneath the sound of the fires, the streets almost scream with emptiness. Once crowded, they are now naked and cold.

Just like us.

A small baby in the cabin begins to cry out and the mother tries to soothe it, but to no avail. My grandmother in the far, dark corner looks at the baby with no emotion.

“The child realizes what is about to happen.” Is all my grandmother says. The mother looks up, her tears making streaks down her dirty face.

“It can’t,” the mother cries, “we have to save ourselves. We can’t let them do this!” Suddenly, her voice fills with hysteria and she curls over her still-crying daughter, crying with her. I move myself closer to her and put an arm around her quivering shoulders.

“Nothing can be done; we have nowhere to go. But we will be alright, we shall start again in a new life. All we have to do now is wait until this one ends.” I murmur to the woman. She looks at me and continues to sob.

I gently hold her in my arms. She is so cold, colder than death – and yet she is alive in body. It was her soul that radiated the cold. Her soul is dead, just like the rest of us.

Suddenly, a thrashing sound came from the door causing us all to look to one another, the fear in our hearts finally coming to the surface. As the thrashing becomes louder, so did the woman’s sobs and shrieks for mercy, and with that came the tears the rest of us had all held in for so long.

The door caves in and showers us in dust and debris, clearing quickly to show us our killers. Their eyes are bright red with bloodlust and their faces are blue with cold, their breath hisses out from their noses and their mouths are set in an eternal frown.

We stand silently as they charge into the room and throw torches onto the furniture and scream blood curdling cries. Then, they run to us and begin to cut us down one by one.

As they do so, it seems time slows and I can watch them all at once, killing everyone around me, those I loved and was friends with. It was over, all of it, we were starting anew.

One of the killers sees me and runs for me, I raise my chin and look beyond him, my tears finally ceasing. Death was coming and I was ready.

He lunges and plunges his long sword into my chest, causing me to collapse. As my vision blurs and flickers two words echoed in my head…

So cold…

Hey Irish! Hope you don't mind if I review this for you.

First things first--ooh. This thing was really horror-ish, and sorta violent! Glad you rated it appropriately.

irishfire wrote:Hope is lost. There is no point in trying to fight these people any longer. (1)They have us cornered, as they always did, but now we recognize it and all have either fled, or been killed. (A)

The others are waiting; waiting for their death. (2)

We all huddle in our small cabin at the edge of the village, the sound of crackling fire as it eats away at the houses around us. (3) I look at all of us, finally showing how defenseless we are, defenseless…and weak. (4)

Underneath the sound of the fires, the streets almost scream with emptiness. (5) Once crowded, they are naked and cold. (B)

Like us all. (C)

A small baby in the cabin begins to cry out and the mother tries to soothe it, to no avail. (D) My grandmother in the corner looks at the baby with no emotion. (6)

“The child realizes what is about to happen.” Is all she says. (7) The mother looks up, her tears making marks down her dirty face. (E)

“It can’t,” the mother cries, “we have to save ourselves. We can’t let them do this!” Suddenly, her voice filled with hysteria and she curled over her still-crying daughter, crying with her. (8) I move myself closer to her and put an arm around her quaking shoulders. (F)

“Nothing can be done, we have no where to go. (G) But we will be alright, we shall start again in a new life. All we have to do now is wait until this one ends.” The woman looked at me and continued to sob. (9)

I hold her gently. (10) She is so cold, colder than death but she is alive in body; (11) it was her soul that radiated the cold. Her soul is dead, just like the rest of us.

Suddenly, a thrashing sound came from the door causing us all to look to one another, the fear in our hearts finally coming to the surface. As the thrashing became louder, so did the woman’s sobs and shrieks for mercy, and with that came the tears we had all held in for so long.

The door caved in and showed us our killers. (12) Their eyes were bright red with bloodlust and their faces were blue with cold, (13) their breath hissed out from their noses and their mouths were set in a perpetual frown. (H)

We stood silently as they charged into the room and threw torches onto the furniture and screamed blood hurdling cries. (14) They instantly ran to us and began to cut us down one by one. (15)

As they did so, it seemed time slowed and I could watch them all at once, killing everyone around me, those I loved and were friends with. (16) It was over, all of it, we were starting anew. (17)

One of the killers saw me and ran for me, I raised my chin and looked beyond him, my tears finally ceasing. (18) Death was coming and I was ready. (19)

He lunged and plunged his long sword into my chest, (20) causing me to collapse. As my vision blurred and flickered two words echoed in my head, so cold…(21)

Here are my notes on the story, based on the numbers:

1: Whoa. You sound depressed! Then again, if serial killers were coming after me, I'd be totally freaked out, so....Wait, but who are these people anyway? Are you guys, like, 2 separate clans, the good guys in one clan and the murderers in the other?

2: Here, I would advise saying something like: 'The others are waiting. Waiting for their death.' It just makes it more suspenseful, you know?

3: I got lost in that last sentence. The second clause and the first clause do not go together at all, and the second clause is a fragment. So you might want to say something like: 'We all huddle in our small cabin at the edge of the village, hearing the sound of crackling fire--despite all our efforts not to--as it eats away the houses around us.'

4: OK, the ellipse doesn't work for me there. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And also, the second clause with the verb showing doesn't work for me either. I might say something like: 'I look at all of us, finally seeing how defenseless we are...defenseless, and weak.' But you could tweak the punctuation somewhat.

5: Ooh! Wow, that's an intense metaphor. But I'm not sure how something/someone can 'scream with emptiness'...

6: I think you might want to add which corner of the hut/cabin-thingy your grandmother was in. Also, I wanted to comment on how "nice" your grandmother was in the story--looking at the baby without any emotion like that, it seems like...huh. How should I describe this? Anyway, on to the next tip...it just struck me as odd that anyone would ever be able to do that...

7: Some of the classic punctuation rules have been violated! :O It left me confused for only a second there, but this is for a contest, no? So we must make it as wonderful as possible! So, I might say something like this: '"The child realizes what is about to happen." That's all my grandmother says.

8: Here, you suddenly switched to past tense. Uh-oh. When you switch tenses abruptly in a story, the reader is almost guaranteed to get lost. I noticed this problem came up a couple other times in your story as well. So just be on the lookout for those.

9: Make sure it's clear that you were the one who spoke and not the mother. I almost thought the child's mother was the one who spoke!

10: I'm sorry, but that last sentence sounded a bit weird. How about saying something along the lines of 'I gently hold her in my arms.'

11: I think changing the semicolon to a period would be nice, first of all. Next, to clear up some of the confusing punctuation, I might say something like: 'She is so cold, colder than death--and yet she is alive in body.'

12: I think the door caving in is fine; it's the other part I have trouble with. Instead of saying that it 'showed us our killers', you might consider saying: 'The door suddenly caved in. As the dust from the impact clears, the horrifying forms of our killers appear!' I know--dramatic, right?

13: You can take out the second 'were'. I know, this is a nitpick, but I like it better and it seems smoother without that second 'were' of that section.

14: You meant blood-curdling instead of 'blood hurdling', right? (Lol...)

15: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a sec. You say they 'instantly' run up to you guys and start hacking you down. And yet, in the sentence before that, you say they throw some torches on the furniture after entering the cabin. Self-contradicting! Ugh...I know...I really hope you're not offended right now by my harsh criticism....

16: Change 'were' to 'was'; the subject is I, not any sort of plural noun or anything. Also, you might want to add in 'those I' before the was I told you to insert. Just my opinion.

17: Change second comma in that sentence to either a semicolon or a period. Otherwise, I liked the 'starting anew' part of it...

18: Change first comma this time to a semicolon or a period. Also, why do you look 'beyond him'? Just wondering, you know?

19: Ooh, I really like your determination in this sentence. But still, I'm thinking as I read that sentence, Whoa! This person's really strong! I'd probably never be that bold in the face of death! So yeah. Just saying.

20: Ha ha, did you mean your accidental rhyme of 'lunge' and 'plunge'? If you were trying to be funny, great! If not, well, might want to change one or both of those words.

21: Add a comma after 'flickered'; then I think you should change the second comma to a colon. That's just me and how I'd write it, so you don't have to do that last little bit.

Oh yes, not done yet with nitpicking! You see, I saw I accidentally left out a few things after writing out all those numbers and their related comments. So now, it's on to the letters!

A: I might say: '...all have either fled, or have been killed.' But that's my opinion, so you don't have to change that part.

B: I'd add in 'now' between are and naked.

C: The word order just doesn't work with me here. I'd rather say something like: 'Like all of us.' Yeah, it's wordier than your original thing, but it sounds better when read aloud.

D: Add 'but' before 'to no avail'.

E: Instead of saying 'making marks', I'd probably say 'streaking down her dirty face'.

F: Gee, that's a little intense. Quaking shoulders? Did you mean to say shaking or quivering?

G: Change the comma to either a hyphen or a semicolon (personally, hyphen would be better as far as I'm concerned); then change 'no where' into one word. (nowhere)

H: I'm not sure 'perpetual' would be the best word to describe their frowns, but otherwise, this whole section was great! I liked all but one of your adjectives. (perpetual would be the one I didn't like)

However, although this was pretty short, (like you said) it was very action-paced and driven. The story kept my attention and interest throughout--the whole way--and I didn't get bored at all! Although I wonder how I could've missed all the letter details while looking over it for my number details...hm. Anyway, great job! You get a shiny star! I'm sure if you fix some--if not all--of the grammatical errors, you'll win the contest. I really really hope you win, Irish! Best of luck! (Also, sorry for the insanely long review...! )

Whoa. Nice. Just a few nitpicks.

We stood silently as they charged into the room and threw torches onto the furniture and screamed blood hurdling cries.

Should be blood-curdling.

They instantly ran to us and began to cut us down one by one.

I thought the first thing they did was throw fire on the furniture and stuff? So that wouldn't make it instantly.

so cold…

This could have been better used as a more dramatic ending. Make it a separate little thing with quotes all to itself, if you get me.

Anyway, you never did say who the murderers were. Sounds like some sort of genocide to me. I'm not saying tell us exactly, just be a bit less vague.

Well Irish- It seems like you got some reviews so I'm gonna just comment. This was awesome and I had actually just turned on So Cold by Breaking Benjamin right before I read it! It really was a great story and I could picture it. The music fit with it too! Great job Irish!