Ok just to tell you people plz if you have critisism have CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Its my first story!Here it goes (BTW Karishma and Nisha are both indian names. Nisha means night and Karishma means miracle.):


Prologue

Taking in the strong smell of perfume and makeup, Nisha crinkled her nose in disgust.
“Ugh! Mommy why do they have to make you smell all weird?” she asked. She began sniffing one of the weird bottles curiously. Her mother, Karishma, quickly pulled her away as tenders brushed her mother’s long cream colored pelt.
“Nisha, don’t do that!” she giggled. Nisha leaned against her mother. Karishma looked down and was amazed how differently she looked from her. Karishma had hazel eyes and a long pelt, but Nisha was jet black with little blue eyes. While Karishma was zoning out, Nisha had accidently tripped and broke one of the bottles of perfume, making the scent spread across the whole room in two seconds.
“You little mutt! Do you know how expensive that is?” one of the tenders screamed. Just then Karishma stepped in. “Hey, leave her alone! She’s just a pup! She doesn’t know any better,” she barked. “And if you want to keep your job here, I suggest you leave my pup alone!”
The tender began to argue, then simply stared at her and walked out of the room. As Karishma began to calm down, she saw that tears began to fall from Nisha’s eyes. She walked over to her and licked her ears.
“There, there Nisha. I know you didn’t mean to.” she said sweetly. Nisha looked at her and licked her muzzle.
“I love you mommy.” she said. Karishma licked her head. She walked out of the bathroom, Nisha following her, and into her bedroom.
In the room there was a large gorgeous purple bed, laced with intricate designs. Nisha jumped on the bed and lied down as Karishma walked over to the opposite side of the room. She nosed through a large pile and pulled out a small blue collar. The collar had a pale blue gem situated between several metal spikes. She walked over to Nisha and sat down, placing the blue collar right in front of her.
“This collar,” she began, “Was given to me from my mother when I was a pup, and her mother gave it to her. It doesn’t fit you now, but when you get older it will.
It represents so much to our family, more than you will ever know. When you become the proper age, you will wear this with honor.” Nisha sniffed the collar curiously and poked her nose into it. Karishma smiled as she paraded around with the enormous collar around her neck. She finally tripped on the large collar and it fell right off. Karishma picked up the collar and put it back in its former place.
“Oh Nisha, you’re so much like your father. Always making jokes and playing around.” she said fondly. Nisha tilted her head to the side, a little confused.
“Father? What’s a father?”
Karishma suddenly realized she had never told Nisha about her father.
“A father is someone who helps a mother raise a pup.” She said. Nisha understood what a father was now, but then another question came up.
“Why don’t I have a father?” she asked. Karishma looked down at her paws, remembering the tragic incident.
“Your father died of disease before you were born.” A trifle of pain fell over Nisha, but her mother bowed her head in sorrow and remorse. She remembered how she had watched him die slowly and painfully. The memories were just too vivid to get out of her mind.
“What was his name?” Nisha asked. Karishma hadn’t said his name in a while, and saying it again brought a bittersweet joy to her lips.
“Zephyr.” she whispered.
Just then a tender walked into the room. “Karishma, the king has requested you.” Karishma got up and walked out the room. Nisha jumped off the bed and followed behind her.
They walked into the foyer and sat down. From a flight of stairs in the middle of the room, the king walked in. He was wearing a long, green robe and held a scepter in his right hand. The scepter was golden with ruby jewels on top.
“Ah, Karishma, there you are. I just came to inform you that it is almost time for the annual meeting with us and the….” He began. Nisha noticed that it looked painful for him to finish the sentence, so she finished for him.
“The wolves!” she chirped.
The king looked down at Nisha and cast her an angry glance. She crept closer to her mother, wanting protection. The king looked back at Karishma as if nothing had happened.
“Yes, them. This year they request not our gold like every year, but something else…” he said. He looked at Nisha and then back at Karishma. It only took her two seconds to figure out what is was they wanted. A tear fell from her eyes, and then she became firm.
“Nisha, go to your room.” She said quite firmly. Nisha was bewildered. Her mother was never firm with her, and she wanted to see the wolves come in.
“But mom-”

“Nisha, go to your room now!” she growled.

Nisha jumped back in surprise. She walked up to her room in sorrow. Her room was very similar to her mother’s, except smaller and the silk fabric on the bed was blue. She sat on her bed and placed her head on her paws. She couldn’t understand why her mother was so upset, so agitated. She had never growled at her. Never. It just didn’t make any sense.
Nisha’s eyes began to get heavy and she let out a long yawn. She closed her eyes and eventually drifted to sleep.
When she finally woke up, she looked out of a window and saw that the sun had set. She knew that the annual meeting had begun.
But Nisha couldn’t go down to see it. She sighed sadly and whimpered. She really wanted to see what a wolf was. She had heard thousands of stories, but never truly seen one. She heard that they could take down the mightiest soldier, and picked on dog bones. The thought of that made her shudder. But she still didn’t know the difference between dogs and wolves. Nisha and her mother were the only animals in the kingdom, ever since the kingdom got locked up. Ever since the war. But Nisha heard that wolves had gotten into the kingdom before. How? And why? Nisha pondered at it, and then got a devious thought in her mind.
If they won’t let me in, I’ll sneak in. she thought. She smiled mischievously and jumped happily off her bed. She crept out of her room and down the stairs. She came across a large corridor with doors on every side. We have this many rooms? She had never seen so many doors. She listened to each door and found nothing, until she came across a door on the right, six doors down. She could hear people bickering and growling. She put her ear against the door to listen better.
“But you can’t have her! She’s just a pup!” said a familiar voice. Nisha realized that it was her mom.
“We must have her! I know with all of my heart that your buffoon of a king won’t let you two survive at least a decade before slaughtering you! If he can’t handle wolves how can he handle dogs?” said a male voice. It wasn’t anything like her mother’s. It was firm and bold. Nisha put her nose against the door. She smelled something different then how her mom smelled. It was wild, raw, and vicious; then it came to her, and she felt like screaming her head off in shear terror.
It was a wolf.
Nisha put her ear against the door again to hear more of this conversation. “Why can’t you just get some food for your pack from us like you do every year? Why is she so important to you?”
“She’s different from our kind. She has a different look, a different charm. But there’s something about her that reminds me of us. Something vaguely familiar and you know it.” he said. And then, shockingly, she heard her mother cry. She didn’t know what he had said or what it reminded her of, but Nisha had heard enough. Nisha walked silently down the corridor and back to her room.
She flopped herself onto her bed. What happened? What did he say to her that made her cry? And who were they talking about? Were they talking about me? All these questions raced through her mind. She jumped off the bed and began to pace. Pacing always opened her mind up to the options.
Why would they possibly want me? Like my mother said, I’m just a pup! An insignificant pup! They probably wanted some other pup. Then Nisha realized the horrible truth. I am the only pup. Me and my mother. We’re the only dogs in the entire kingdom. Nisha jumped back onto her bed and snuggled her face into a pillow. She closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would take away all the awful thoughts.
But it didn’t take them away. Instead, it brought a nightmare, almost like a prophecy, into her head. Hundreds of animals and thousands of men, clashing at each other, sword against claw, in an ultimate battle. She tossed and turned as the nightmare became more violent and scary. Pools of blood were everywhere. Birds diving towards innocent soldiers, talons outstretched, clawing their eyes out. Wolves jumping on them and slashing at their chests. She thought it was the most unbelievable, terrible, awful thing that could ever happen to anybody.
She never knew that only a few years later she would experience it for herself.

i dont even have one commment oh well chapter one coming out soon

I liked it for the most part. In the beginning, I was really confused. I though Karishma and Nisha were humans. Then all of a sudden they were some kind of animal, only later did I discover they were dogs. But dogs don't cry. And dogs don't have anything to do with perfume, either. It was really good, minus the fact that it sounded too human-like, when clearly it's not a human telling the story.

Also, the very last sentence

She never knew that only a few years later she would experience it for herself.

would be best if deleted.

Prologue wise however, it was good. The length was right, and it gave a lot, if maybe too much and slightly redundant, information. By reduntant, I mean the information about being the only dogs in the kingdom. Something as bluntly vital as that (maybe it's not vital, but it's obvious and clearly plays some big role) would only have to be said once in order to get the point across.

A few nit-picky things would be your long, chunky paragraphs. It's good to show us things and tell us things, but that's not what I meant. What I mean is, when someone looks at a work like that and sees chunky paragraph after chunky paragraph, it's intimidating. However, were it to be several more paragraphs with a lot of open space (I'm not saying add a ton of spaces to make it appear less full), the reader is less intimidated.

Also, dialogue should be seperated by a new paragraph each time someone says something. A similar case when one person does something, then another person says something. Here's a good example.

In the room there was a large bed in the middle with gorgeous purple silk fabric on it. The fabric had many intricate designs on it, sewn with lavender string. Nisha loved just lying on the bed just so she could look at the fabric and its designs. Nisha jumped on the bed and laid down as Karishma walked over to a dresser on the opposite side of the room. She opened one its drawers and pulled out a small blue collar. The collar had a blue gem in the middle of it and metal spikes on the side. She walked over to Nisha and sat down, placing the blue collar right in front of her. “This collar,” she began, “Was given to me from my mother when I was a pup, and her mother gave it to her. It doesn’t fit you now, but when you get older it will.

It represents so much to our family, more than you will ever know. When you become the proper age, you will wear this.” Nisha sniffed the collar curiously and placed it around her scrawny neck. Karishma laughed as she walked around with the enormous collar around her neck. It finally fell off after a few minutes of walking. Karishma picked up the collar and put it back in its drawer. “Oh Nisha, you’re so much like your father. Always making jokes and playing around.” she said.

I would write it out something like this:

There was a large, lush purple bed, laced with intracate designs in the middle of the room. Nisha loved lying on the bed, just so she could look at the fabric's designs and color.

She jumped onto it, watching her mother go to the far side of the room. Karishma pushed a few things around with her nose before latching onto the thing she was looking foor. Walking over to Nisha, Karishma placed the thing on the bed next to them. The item she found was a royal blue collar with a pale blue gem situated between several metal spikes.

"My mother," Karishma began, "gave this to me when I was just a pup myself, who'd recieved it from her mother. It won't fit you now, but when you get bigger it will. It means much to this family, more than you could ever possibly know. When you come of age, Nisha, it will be yours to wear proudly."

Nisha sniffed the collar curiously and poked her nose into it. It dangled around her scrawny neck, nearly touching the floor. Karishma smilied as Nisha paraded around the room in the enormous collar. After a minute, Nisha tripped over it and was sent tumbling onto her back, the collar lying on the floor.

Picking the collar up, Karishma returned it to its former location. "You're so much like your father, Nisha. Always joking, and playing around," Karishma said fondly.

See how different it is? The same information, changed around a little and told in an easier-to-read fashion. I did take out the part about the dresser, because again, it's too human-like. Dogs can't open drawers (unless they're those trained ones!). They don't exactly laugh like humans do either. I know these aren't typical dogs, but even still, unless they're humanoid, they cannot do some of these things. Then again, they can be anything you want them to be, and do anything you want them to. But it just doesn't seem realistic to have them do so many tasks only humans can do.

I really do like it though, and I'm quite curious as to how the rest of it will play out. Hope this helps a little. Keep writing! Maybe send me a PM when you post the first chapter?

~Addict~

Hello and welcome to YWS!

First of all, your use of "pelts" kind of threw me off a little, simply because pelts are from skinned animals. So... um... are they wearing pelts? And if so, who skins the animals for them?

Second of all, I wanted more dog! I mean, my dog's lying on the floor right now, snoring like a log. So she isn't a very good representation to what I want. But I've seen puppies and mommy dogs and everything, and the mommies will lick the puppies to clean them, let the puppies lie all other them when they are resting, snarl when the puppies try to suckle from them when they are weaning off the puppies, nose them around... and I think that dog authenticity is pretty much gone. The dogs are too human. If you replaced "pup" with child, "dog" with person, and "wolf" with bad guy, you would essentially get the same story, but with human characteristics instead. So make it unique! Make it doggy! We love dogs anyway, so dog stories, especially the doggy stories, are endearing to us. But you can change things around so that it's more "doggy." For example... the doggy bed which is design all intricately. Why would a dog care about intricate designs? Maybe it smells like rabbit guts or something, so that's why she likes it. I don't know! Be creative! And why is Nisha the only one? Dogs generally give birth to litters. Is there any reason why Nisha is the only pup?

ALSO! The father. In general, it seems very unlikely that Nisha wouldn't know what a father was. She probably would, but in a vague sense. So I would probably tweak that.

Anyway! This seems to be an interesting story... let's see what comes of it!

Thanks for the advice! I'm not the best writer, and I'm still kind of young, but I'll work on it! It's my first draft of doing this, so my best guess is that this will not be the first time going back to it. I promise I will re-do it and look back. But thanks for the nice comments! oh and by the way, in this world the dogs are kind of treated like humans. Their equal. And nwo that I'm looking back on it, it needs to be more doggy! I have one dog, watching her now play with her friend, and just realized that. But describing things is one of my flaws in writing, so my best guess is that I will looking back on it. I must also inform you that Nisha is very young in this prologue, maybe only two or three months old. Your not expected to know what a father is when no one has told you what one was, were you? Not trying to be rude, and if I am I am truly sorry, but Nisha has no idea because of her age, and Karishma is just now telling her what a father is. And about her enjoying the designs I'm getting rid of that but there is a reason I put that in there. You'll learn eventually in the rest of the story. Yet again I do appreciate the good advice and lovely comments.


P.S AddictionToFiction
the thing you said about her walking with the collar is amazing. Do you mind if I take that? Please message me if you do, because I don't want to steal
P.S.S
Snoink i didnt say Nisha was the only pup..... Foreshadowing!!
P.S.S.S
Back then, WAY back then, dogs used to be spoiled kind of like this. I know it sounds insane, but its true. I read people used to put perfume on their dogs (maybe the makeup should get cut out). They gave their dogs rooms and everything.

Hey there pandacary! Welcome to YWS! I'm WD and it's lovely to meet you. I just wanted to give you a few pointers on some of the things that have been mentioned here, if you don't mind. Especially, I'd like to second what Snoink said about the dogs sounding too much like humans. I know they are treated like humans and have perfume and maybe they do live in a world where they are expected to act like humans, but there are still some things that don't make sense with them being dogs. For example,

She smelled something different then how her mom smelled. It was wild, raw, and vicious; then it came to her, and she felt like screaming her head off in shear terror.

First of all, shear should be sheer. Second, can a dog really scream? I have a dog and dogs yelp and whimper and they have ways of expressing distress, but 'screaming' is something that humans do, and thus they seem like humans in this piece. You see, you have a very creative idea working with dogs. But if you're going to use dogs, you need to embrace the uniqueness of it. Don't be afraid to experiment with the unique things that dogs do. Your characters come off as unrealistic right now because they are dogs, but the prose has not yet embraced the fact that they are dogs and the things that dogs do. Your characters are not engaging me as a reader because I don't know whether to think of them as dogs with human qualities or humans in themselves and I don't know how to relate to them at all without some of those distinctions set in place. Does that make sense? While dogs don't scream, their yelps are just about as jarring as a scream. And while they don't cry, their whimpering is a rough equivalent. Embrace those things--they're part of what makes your story unique. I think once you strike that balance, you can really start soaring with this story and honing in on some of the details.

One thing you are doing very well here is helping to set up your world and the dynamics between the dogs and wolves. I was impressed by your ability to convey the society of dogs you are presenting. Good job on that.

Another thing I think you should watch out for is parallel sentence structure. Your prose is heavily reliant on the subject-verb structure right now, and it makes things feel a bit repetitive and drab. So try going through and messing with sentence structure. Work with prepositional phrases and other phrases to vary your structure a little and it will help out your prose a lot.

This looks like the start of an interesting story! You have a nice beginning, and don't be discouraged by thoughts that you are young. YWS is a place where writers grow and I'm happy to see you joining us. ^_^ Also, reading and reviewing help. By reviewing, you get to analyze what works and doesn't work in other stories and we like to maintain a ratio of 2-3 reviews per literary work here, so we'd really appreciate you reviewing. Also, reviewing other peoples' work encourages them to review yours, so keep this in mind. Keep writing. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

As I re-read it, I found a few more things. One MAJOR thing is this whole exchange right here:

“Nisha, don’t do that!” she giggled. Nisha leaned against her mother. Karishma looked down and was amazed how differently she looked from her. Karishma had hazel eyes and a long pelt, but Nisha was jet black with little blue eyes. While Karishma was zoning out, Nisha had accidently tripped and broke one of the bottles of perfume, making the scent spread across the whole room in two seconds.

“You little mutt! Do you know how expensive that is?” one of the tenders screamed. Just then Karishma stepped in. “Hey, leave her alone! She’s just a pup! She doesn’t know any better,” she barked. “And if you want to keep your job here, I suggest you leave my pup alone!”

The tender began to argue, then simply stared at her and walked out of the room. As Karishma began to calm down, she saw that tears began to fall from Nisha’s eyes. She walked over to her and licked her ears.

“There, there Nisha. I know you didn’t mean to.” she said sweetly. Nisha looked at her and licked her muzzle.

“I love you mommy.” she said. Karishma licked her head. She walked out of the bathroom, Nisha following her, and into her bedroom.

It just doesn't sound real to me. I'd suggest you re-write it a bit, and don't forget to give each speaker a new paragraph!

Also, I think the transition between the perfume show-down and the collar was a bit too sudden. Maybe make things a little longer, or maybe take out the perfume part all together. I'm not sure, but it doesn't flow right. It's a little too sudden.

Karishma looked down at her paws, remembering the tragic incident.

Again, too human-like. Dogs don't look down at their paws. They sort of just stare out into space. There are some huge differences when writing in an animal's perspective. My advice would be hold off on writing for a day or two and just observe a dog. If you don't have one, maybe wait until you go over to a friend's house who does have one.

Observing what an animal really does will help you write it. When I wrote something in an animal's perspective, I used the things I've seen my dogs do, and molded it around to fit the breed. That's what I suggest you do. Certain breeds act differently, and sound differently. Chihuahuas yip, while dobermans bark deep within their throats. The best thing to do is stick with what you know for now.

So instead of continuing to pick out flaws in the way Nisha and Karishma act, I'd suggest take some time to observe some dogs. If you don't have one, maybe a neighbor or a friend do, and you could try to observe them. Trust me, it should help a lot to get a good feel for how dogs act. Feel free to PM if you need any help or have any questions.

~Addict