Hopes and Dreams

I wrote this for my English class! Enjoy!

I wish I could be invisible
So I could not be looked down upon
I wish I could shape-shift
Then I could fit in with everyone in my path

I hope to swim in the warm Mediterranean Sea
Near the historical city of Pompeii
I pray to have my words in neat text
Behind a hard, colorful cover, with my name under the title
And my picture on the back

I wish to travel the world
To Paris, Rome, and Greece
I want my painful scars inside me to dissapear
Like snow melting in the warm sun

I want to be held by someone
And know he won't leave me standing in the cold
My heart clenched in his hands

I want to see every innocent baby have a chance
I wish people would forget our differences
And realize, different is what we really need
I wish our friend would breathe again
Taking in the joyful sweet air of life

I wish I could make people realize what's right
I want the world to see our mistakes
But forgive us in the end
I hope people will someday have food, shelter, love
And peace will make the world spin 'round.

Hello there Forest. Here is your review, as promised.

To start off, well, It has potential, but the ending sort of falls flat on its feet. You say that you wish you could do all of those things, and that's good. However, in the context of the poem, it's obvious that you can't do all of those things, so why not talk about that a little bit more?

Also, I think you were a little unsure as to whether or not you wanted to do things for yourself, or the good of the world. You start off by saying, "I wish I was invisible so no one could yell at me," and then you end the poem with, "I wish we humans would realize our mistakes and we can have peace." You're going to have to chose one, and I'd recommend the latter, because you don't want to make it sound like a depressed emo poem. Remember, consistency is a writer's best friend.

That's all. It was well versed, and there were no grammar errors that I found.
PM with questions.

Hey Forest,

About a year and a half ago, someone told me that in writing poetry you have to distinguish your narrative story voice from your poetic voice. If you're not sure how to do that, remove line breaks and stanza breaks and see if it reads like a story or a poem.

This reads more like a personal statement. I think that in order to turn this into a poem, you need to introduce more poetic techniques to this. Liven your words up. Use words that you otherwise wouldn't use in standard writing, and use them in more ways than one. Verbalize this better, try poetic techniques such as assonance, canto, etc. Take time to go over this and 'poetize it'; for now, it's as if we're just reading how you feel.

Trim down narrative parts, too, such as 'I wish', 'I want' etc. They do nothing for us, and you can carry a poem without them. Try to focus on presenting your words to us in a more interesting manner.

Best of luck,

June

I very much like the meaning of the poem and feel the same way. However, I don't think it flows that well. You definitely have pottential here and I can imagine this being a poem that i really like. Like what Juniper said, you neeed to "portize it". I especially liked how it started though with all the things you wish for yourself. I think it might be better if you picked to either write about things you want for the world or yourself. But it's your choice and I think it's pretty good either way.

I agree about everyone above; it seems like a laundry list of things that you wish you get done, and it feels scattered. I would say pick one or two of the most important things in that poem and write a poem about one of them.
Best luck and keep writing,
Empress

Hey there!

So, I think that here you're just talking about what you want to do. You make no mention of why, of how, of anything else. This makes the poem seem, for want of a better phrase, washed out. There's not much substance. It's just whimsical wishing that doesn't really get you, or your poem, anywhere. Why not make it stronger by adding in some background, using poetic devices, and expanding on what you already have.

~Amy

Hello!

So my first impression of this is that it reads more like a speech than a poem. It's like an agenda. The first stanza seems like it could be poetic, but the rest trails off into a sort of list.

Really look at this and see what you're trying to say with it. You wish you could change the world; you wish you could do things that would affect you, or you want to travel, or have love. It goes from one to the other without smooth transition, so I'd recommend finding exactly what you want to portray with this, and with that in mind, start writing. A reader loses interest if the focus shifts too much.

Personally, I think if you took one of these ideas and tried to do the same thing using only one idea, it would come out much better.

Hey, there. Hope you're having a good day!
Anyhoo, I like what you're poem's wishes are--so nice of things, what every human wants, in a way. I do think you should've have added more 'emotion' and such, cuz you're just stating things here. It needs emotion to recieve sympathy.
Great job, I do rather like this, however.
Tata!
-Mizzle