Elephant Days

In those days, or nights –it all depended—Kate was always alone and in her room. It was the only time, she figured, that she could do it. Her window would be open and the luster of the moon would guide her into the process. It was painful at first; she could picture her mind going on wheels of concentration trying to remember or to figure out how it was done the night before.

She used to think about it, about being so big that she couldn’t fit in her small room, about using her nose as an arm and her bottom would swing from left to right as if she had that small tail and she would be on her hands and knees, trying to imitate one. It was futile though; it only made her feel foolish, especially when her mom would catch her on the act.

She stopped trying when her whole family found out about her attempts, she saw the looks they gave her, they didn’t know it could be done so she didn’t blame them. She was still curious though, she bought all the books about them, the ones she could read anyways, it didn’t help that she was only three and could only read from picture books.

It was on the day she gave up everything that it happened. By the week after the first time she was able to do it again and Kate found a pattern; it was her mind that was able to do it, minds were always so intelligent. She was lying on her bed, supposedly asleep, with the lights off and her window open to show the moon’s light, she was half asleep, her eyes were almost completely shut, but she felt it. It was almost like her mind opened up to show Kate all it could do.

She saw in her head the way she was supposed to be, all bundled up like a baby and thinking of nothing. Absolutely nothing, it was the hardest thing anyone could do because there was always something to think about. She had to stare at the wall for an ageless amount of time; five miserable minutes. She complied though, because she was a good sport. She stared and stared until she could stare no more.

She woke up with her heart racing and her eyes as wide as blown up balloons, and she had the weirdest sensation all over her body. Her thighs tingled, her feet were asleep, her stomach churned at twisted painfully, or at least it was supposed to be painful, her rib cage stretched and her arms shortened. She couldn’t feel the rest of her body until it was over.

At first she thought she had fallen asleep and dreamed it, but when she touched all four walls of her room and saw the trunk in front of her, she realized it was no dream, she did it. She was elephant girl and she made a sound that resembled a trumpet. She was going to wake up the neighbors with her natural music.

Hiya!

Wowza, this was quite different but a intriguing at the same time. Although, I must say, I was confused in some areas. And so, off to the review!

She used to think about it, about being so big that she couldn’t fit in her small room, about using her nose as an arm and her bottom would swing from left to right as if she had that small tail and she would be on her hands and knees, trying to imitate one.

This is a long sentence and this is where I got confused. Most likely from it being so terribly long and kinda boring. At first (I only skimmed over it and didn't read all the words) I thought she was an elephant (weird I know)and wanted to turn into a human. THe rest of your piece told me I was waaay off And so, split it up into two or even three sentences to keep your reader from getting bored and skimming over it. Resulting in ultimate confusion.

She stopped trying when her whole family found out about her attempts, she saw the looks they gave her, they didn’t know it could be done so she didn’t blame them.

I must congratulate you on keeping your piece intriguing and such, I really did like to know what she was trying to do. But what you should mention is why she wants to do this. And why her family believes it isn't possible. I would like to know that!

minds were always so intelligent.

This should be a separate sentence.

She was lying on her bed, supposedly asleep, with the lights off and her window open to show the moon’s light, she was half asleep, her eyes were almost completely shut, but she felt it.

Another long, boring sentence. Split it up to make it more interesting so it doesn't drag on and on.

Her thighs tingled, her feet were asleep, her stomach churned at twisted painfully, or at least it was supposed to be painful, her rib cage stretched and her arms shortened.

Slightly long sentence, but this one may be okay since you're explaining how her body was changing. But the bolded part, I believe you need to clarify that up as it makes no sense

At first she thought she had fallen asleep and dreamed it, but when she touched all four walls of her room and saw the trunk in front of her, she realized it was no dream, she did it.

But she hadn't even fallen asleep, so why did she think she dreamt it? Also, I would split it up. Write something like this:

At first, she thought she had fallen asleep and dreamt it all happened. Yet, when she touched all the walls of her bedroom and finally spotted the trunk in front of her, she realized it was no dream. She had done it.

Here's a thought:

In those days, or nights –it all depended—Kate was always alone and in her room. It was the only time, she figured, that she could do it.

So is this telling of her mastering the skill of turning into an elephant(?) just a past thing and (I am assuming this is a prologue) that it is going to be present day in the chapters to come?

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This is interesting and I've never read about anyone turning into an elephant. I half expected this story to be about a circus with elephants in it! I've enjoyed reading this, but you need to clear a few bits up and cut down on the long boring sentences. I had to read a few things twice to let it sink in.

If you have any questions PM me!

Meadow

Hi!

This was a very unique concept, I thought. I hope you keep writing on this 'cause I'm interested as to where you will go with it!

You had a number of grammar mistakes. Meadow may have caught a lot of them, but go back and edit. Read it out loud too. That will help catch the mistakes.

I figure you went way too fast with this. The reader could hardly keep up, and thus it was confusing. You left us in the dark a bit too long for the reader's comfort. You can tease them (as you did a few times), hinting at what this girl could possibly be thinking, but it was generally hard to follow. Boring, perhaps?

Give us some scenes and dialogue to prove your point and what Katie could possibly have been thinking. What drove her to even try turning into an elephant? Why did she keep trying? It's all rather strange for us to comprehend so quickly! Give us some background on your MC to help us decide why she would do this and such. Provide answers to our questions so that you can continue this story without a second thought.

That's all I've got to say! Just slow down, take your time explaining this and such. You've got a very unique idea, so just take your time! Help the reader comprehend the situation.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow, this is totally different and interesting. Is this an entire chapter? It seems a litte short, but other than that, it's great. Intriguing and unique.
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