Matter Matters

Hey, Gal! Here to review.

Nitpicks:

storm...sleep.

I think that using brackets in the middle of a line detracts from the flow of the poem as you're reading. Although I do like the occasionally jarring rhythm that you can get, brackets make it look and sound messy sometimes.

storm ...sun,

"He" should be capitalized.

In ...back,

"Like" is starting a new sentence, should be capitalized.

In ...of

One thing that I loved about a lot of this poem is the way that you kept the flow of long sentences running throughout most of it, which is something that I've never been able to do and therefore admire. However, when you take the two lines "Like liquid rocck, sloshing in furnaces forwards and back, / an army from limbo, the babies of cosmos, come forth" then the two ideas seem too unrelated to put into the same run on sentence. So, for this part, I might consider starting a new sentence.

H grumbles
...sky

He grumbles? Also, I don't think that the "And" on the second line needs to be capitalized.

And ...the

Little repetition of "and" here. It's not big, but it is noticeable. I just think that it would sound better without one.

with...to

Yeah, I don't like the repetition here. When you read it without the repetition, these lines just seem to flow, and sound, better.

(rise)
.
does the sun and the moon follows suit

So far the way that you've used these words as a transition into the next stanza has been great, seamless even, but now saying "Rise does the sun" seems clunky and forced compared to the way you've managed it before.

does ...burn.

For this stanza, I would suggest adding a comma after "suit" (first line) and removing the "and" that proceeds "beg" on the third line. Cleans it up and makes more sense.

but ...sun,

"But" should be capitalized.

That's all that I can see, really. There were more originally, but every time I read this poem then it seems to become a little clearer to me. I'm no great shakes at unpicking meaning sometimes, so I have to say that some of this was totally lost on me. But, sometimes I think that the images the poem conjures up for the reader can be more important that the overall message which, of course, is open to interpretation from all sides. Your imagery and vocabulary are fantastic, as is the way that you mould the words to fit your poem and meaning. As I've said, it is confusing, and that can leave your poem with no real purpose or story for the reader, but that (in my mind) also means that you've managed to create a poem that has many layers, and that in itself is something that I find hard to do. Your style of writing is original, and I absolutely enjoyed reading this, even if I didn’t quite understand some of it. But well done, it was great. I could never hope to write like this (although I don’t think that is a compliment as such) so I’m amazed by the techniques and way you’ve written.

All the best!

~Amy

Hello Galerius. You reviewed me, so I thought that I could return the favor.
For the most part, this was a very well-written poem. I agree with what Juniper said when she staff-picked this, but like always, I do have some nitpicks.

Galerius wrote:and ...sea

Err, where did the meteors come from, and what purpose do they serve? Is it supposed to be a simile?

Galerius wrote:.
(another)
.

Much like AquaMarine, I don't really understand the purpose of the brackets. Are they supposed to convey some sort of echo? Like Aqua, I think that it breaks up the nice flow of this poem.

Galerius wrote: he ...sun,

Two things.
First, he should should be capitalized. Secondly, I'm not too fond of the repetition of 'he'. I'd recommend deleting the second instance of 'he.'

Galerius wrote:in ...depths.

If you're still talking about the man, then "its" should be "his."

Galerius wrote:In ...again.

like liquid rock, sloshing in furnaces forwards and back,
^
Like should be capitalized, or you could add a semi-colon after 'again.'

Other then that, it was an absolutely fantastic poem. I loved your mention of the titans and greek gods at the end.
Keep writing, and PM with questions.

Hi there! Here as requested.

that ...other

I don't quite like the repetition of "each other," especially since in the next line you say "one another." Find another way to say it.

storm ...stars

I agree with Amy; the parentheses mess up the flow of the line, especially since it's only one word. I don't know whether it's supposed to put more emphasis on the word or take emphasis away from it. Basically, the parentheses confuse your readers, and you're usually better off without them.
I do, however, like the use of parentheses with those words between stanzas. I think it's interesting how the word ends one stanza and begins another, and I like how they're separated, as if having a stanza of their own. There's an example of how parentheses should be used. Not only do I find it aesthetically pleasing, but it makes the words jump out in exactly the right way.

(life).
....

I absolutely love your personification of life. The one thing that confuses me is why you said "fingers numb" instead of just "numb fingers." It doesn't really make a difference with the rhythm, and I find that the simpler the order of words is, the easier it reads.

with ....
(rise)

Normally, I'm not a big fan of repetition, so I can't say why I think you pulled it off. I would maybe play around with italics on the second "all waiting" but you don't really need them. I just think it'd add something aesthetically.

does ...burn.

I'm not exactly sure why you suddenly decided to rhyme. It's jarring to just slip into that in the middle of a poem. Although I do like the way that your rhyming seems effortless, it just doesn't seem to fit.



All in all, this is an extremely well written poem. I enjoyed your use of long sentences. They kept the flow even and somehow made it read quickly, which I think gave the poem a sort of frantic feel; that mood fit with the poem, especially with the last two lines. I really liked your metaphors and symbolism. You had that perfect balance of figurative language where the reader knows what you mean, but you still leave it open to interpretation.
Kudos and keep writing!

Hey there, Galeri!

I hate to begin on such a praise-filled note but, I have to say, I truly adore your poetry. It's so fluid, and wonderful in so many days. I can only hope to someday be half as good as you.

I do agree with Eliza that the repetition of 'each other' could be done away with. Later on in the poem it mayn't have mattered, but at the beginning it's a blockade of flow and would sound better if an unused word replaced it.


You are a master of rhyme. Few people can pull it off as you have done here; I barely noticed it, and didn't notice it until the third time I read this. I applaud you on that.

like ...

I feel bad nitpicking, but it seems H should be he? Also, your capitalization is indeed interesting in this; I'm not sure if it suits with some beginning capitalized and others not.


After Sol Invictus on Trial, this may be my favorite poem by you. Two thumbs up, job well done, and a gold star.

Keep it up, Gal. This is truly impressive work.

June

Ah, what a great poem. I'm such a literal person that poetry does little else for me but leave impressions, so I'm not going to review this the "right" way, only tell you what it left me walking away with.

Frankly I love the celestial perspectives almost as much as I love the flow of your words. It just seemed so out of control and beautiful, which is what creation presumably was. We're on the tail end right now, awaiting the heat death of it all.

Froth ...Fly.

Love this stanza.

and poor ...to turn.

Excellent, excellent ending; left me with a smile on my lips.

T-T I'm sorry for being so late, Gal. I promised a review last week, after I read it four days late...

I think I avoid reviewing your poetry because I'm afraid I'll mess up You're really poetic for an eleven year-old.

But back to the poem-- You said that you wanted to hear what I have to say about it, so...

Review
(one) Did you know that it requires complete silence and focus to truly understand your poetry? But it's worth the effort once you finally see the big picture, the story laced between the words. Each stanza is a puzzle piece?

(two) Your narrator, where is he? Who is he? Is it even a he? Your narrator voice is ageless, omnipresent, mysterious, an enigma like you Your poetry is a reflection of your person, and I'm guessing that by simply looking at you one wouldn't automatically assume you have thoughts like this. I might be wrong. You might not even be a person *furrows brows*

(three) After the last line I realized that your whole poem, what it's about, was told in your first line:

These ...end,

And the middle was in the (first half) second line:

and ...sea

However,, I think the transition to the action of the poem is hard to recognize, making the transition seem rough or confusing.

Or am I reading this wrong? I'm reading riptide as apart of the beginning, and then the focus of the poem shifting to meteors against the sea. If I'm reading it wrong, just ignore me.

Also, the word "always"? Is it necessary to say it's a cycle? Or is it already implied?

(four)

that ...other

I'm not going to nag you about the repition of "each other" because it's the same phrase, but I'll bother you about this because droplets bracing each other and raindrops pressing palms against each other are the the same image, right?

Water, touching. How can you compare water touching with water touching?

(five) I like the flow of the poem, especially the parentheses. It reminds me of those water droplets that bounce on the surface of water, jumping from place to place, story to story...
 
(six)

storm ...sleep.

Some people were wondering about why the parentheses around "only", and I was wondering about it too until I somewhat figured it out. I think you're either saying the stars have a different god than humans, this God is the father of the stars, or there are many gods.

He ...sun,

From reading the line above, you'd think that the God of the stars was the sun, but he's actually in the sun?
And another thing--if you're referring to the sun of planet earth, did you consider that the human sun is actually small in comparison to other stars/suns? Why would the human sun be the God of the others?

(seven)

in ...of

Supernova? The death of God leads to life?

(eight)
 

is ...to

*Just wanted to mention I like this metaphor in particular.
 
(nine) Breaking into Greek gods makes me think I was right about there being multiple gods when you referred to the God of (only) the stars.
 
(ten) There's not much else I can say, Gal. I'm not even sure if what I said makes sense (I hope it does, though). Even though the whole story is in the first line, this poem is like a cycle. You can read it again and again and find something new between the lines.

I wonder what it's like to see the world through your eyes, Gal It must be pretty interesting.

-Shina