Family Restaurant

..........

Hey there,

Seeing as you have no reviews yet, I'm here to check your story out.

It had been a morning filled with cherry blossoms, sprinkling the ground like candies on a moist birthday cake made of pebbles and fine dirt scattered about.

In my opinion, this could be a good opening sentence if you place the full stop after "Cake" rather than adding the part about pebbles - it makes the sentence lose its structure.

“Sephie?” she called out, her voice trembling as staggeringly as her breath as her pulse began to quicken.

You use "as" three times, try to fix this.

Lena woke up, her head involuntarily crashing back into the hard brick upon which it had been resting.

Why does her head crash back?

Already, I feel I should note something; you use descriptive writing, which is good, but in excess it no longer has a positive effect. You don't need a metaphor in every other sentence.

After all, nobody rich lived here and therefore nobody lived here, on this dirty street with the asphalt ripped in pieces by screeching tires, nightly gunshots out of the dark, and imprints of wanderers’ indifferent spittle.

This confuses me - if no one lives there, why is there so much going on in that area?

It was here that Lena lay like a rag doll and stuffed with just as much cotton as one, dry matter that could catch cleansing flames at any moment with the snap of a tongue.

Too many metaphors.

I could continue this line-by-line, but to be frank I think you get my point. Take out a few of the metaphors and fix the repetition. I did find the story interesting, and don't mean to be harsch, but the excess of comparisons and such greatly deduct from the quality of your writing, so be careful with that.

DoXx

Galeeerius!

This was excellently written! I was engrossed with the story; I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. Very well done, and the little Persephone twist at the end? Totally didn't see that coming.

And it was very creepy!

There's really only a couple things I was unsure about, though they could very well be joined into one point.

First of all, you have many run-on sentences. You'll probably catch them when you go back and edit this, but you lost me in some of those long sentences of yours.

And second, half (if not more) of your description is heavily dependent on comparisons(similes to be more specific). If they were metaphors, I'd be okay with it. But there's a lot of likes and ases that my brain didn't approve of. It's like bad reptition, I guess. Go ahead and take your time describing instead of depending on the reader to understand all your comparisons. Keep them focused on the story. Some people don't make relations like that as easily as others.

Not much else to say. After reading this, my brain wants to go read a fun book (rather than a textbook). I forget how fun it can be to read when you're totally into the story!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

You, good Galerius, are a marvelous writer. Here is your requested review.

Your characters are strong, your story line is strong and your prose is enchanting.

In fact, your piece of writing is so impressive that there's little that I can say that would improve it. The antagonist is painted freakishly well and your world is vivid and real.

Still, I think your story is quite difficult to read and would benefit from becoming slightly more accessible. Your sentences are constructed from many words and the reader rarely has time to catch his breath. To get a reader's pulse to really race, you'll want to shorten sentences as your story progresses to become more and more exciting. Start out with multisyllabled words, but as you get closer to the climax you want our hearts to pulse. Replace these long words with short and more haunting words.

You're great at finding those action words that breathe the life into your scenes, but they lose some of their effect when bogged down by sentences laden with adjectives.

Ultimately, I'd have to say that your writing is borderline purple prose in places. And as I'm about to convince myself that this is your flaw, you jerk yourself out of the purple prose and become brief and to the point and your story becomes completely seducing once again.

Try to break up the longer sentences and to push the story a little faster by cutting down on adjectives occasionally.

What I particularly liked was the transition in Hayden's character and perhaps the story would be even more potent were Lena more naive to begin with. I think you could benefit from a transition in her character as well, rather than letting her character remain constant through the story as you have.

I'm also going to have to comment on the use of similies and metaphors. I think they bog your story down. Overuse of such effects look less professional than their complete ommission. Try write more invisibly. You don't want your reader to need to think about anything. As soon as they're drawn away from the story, you've failed. Keep their attention focused on the events, and refrain from using language that might draw them out of the story once again. Writing invisibly is often one of the most difficult parts of writing.

I'm sorry I don't have much more to say. Your story was fantastic and got my gold star.

Keep Well!
Yoda

Hey Gal. I'd babble on a bit about how great this was, but something tells me you're not the kind of writer who posts their writing to fish for compliments.

It was here that Lena lay like a rag doll and stuffed with just as much cotton as one, dry matter that could catch cleansing flames at any moment with the snap of a tongue.

I don't like this sentence. You have so much great imagery and so many analogies to work with, so I'm just going to cut down the ones that don't make the cut. And this one's meaning wasn't clear enough to be effective.

which could have been mistaken for the color of a starless sky during the day.

This is pretty, but an odd phrase to use. I'm sure you're aware that the sky doesn't have stars during the day anyway, and would therefore just be blue. Using a more to-the-point description would work better here.

his perfectly round black eyes the only part of his darkened face.

The only part of his darkened face...that what? That were visible? That Lena could trust? This seems incomplete.

The mother immediately strode toward her child’s happy voice as bubbling words, soundless as the noontime air that enveloped the playground, arose from behind a clump of mangroves and oaks, themselves rigidly withstanding the wind as if they hated the very thought of bowing down to the climate, proud owners of the earthen ground that they were.

Er, like Jabs said, some sentences (this one particularly) are a bit long-winded. The heavier the language you use-- and your language is pretty darn heavy --the more dangerous it is for your sentences to drag on and on. Either simplify this description or split it up into more sentences.

From behind, Lena could hear him suddenly rising from his chair and walking toward her. “That door shouldn’t be here,” he mused, and she turned back, remembering the piece of chicken she had pilfered.



“Take your garbage back and go to hell!” Lena screamed at him, remembering the piece of chicken she had hidden.

She remembered the chicken twice? Just a typo, I'm sure.

Lena bolted out of her chair as if electricity itself had coursed through her body and knocked it over,

She had already left her chair by this point. She was walking towards the door, and then the man came after her.

Lena looked around, making sure she was alone. Yes, she had been drugged. That was why what had almost happened to her had happened. It must have been a powerful drug too, she recalled, shutting out all of her memories and concentrating on the starry sky that now enveloped downtown and her lonely street corner.

I'm confused about this part. Does she think that the whole thing was a hallucination? If so, the bold part doesn't make sense. If it was a hallucination, it wouldn't have almost happened. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but perhaps make this easier to understand.

*

Overall, this was fantastic. I realized who the man was, and who his wife was, when they started talking about the protective mother, and then with the seeds, and Sephie, it all tied together very well. Besides these parts, which can be fixed by just reading through, it was fantastically written. You need to post more prose.

The others are right, though. In places, particularly towards the beginning, you're making it much harder on the reader than it needs to be to understand your imagery. It's beautiful, but it requires too much pause, and too much contemplation. If you could rework just a bit of it, your pace would be smoother and the story as a whole would be easier to follow.

PM me if you post another story. Good job!

~Evi

Galerius --

This was good. Your prose is fun to read. And, even more than your poetry, I find similarities between your style and Cormac McCarthy's. Again, I recommend that you read one of his books.

It was here that Lena lay like a rag doll and stuffed with just as much cotton as one, dry matter that could catch cleansing flames at any moment with the snap of a tongue.

As everyone else pointed out, this one doesn't work.

lapped on the shore as a liquid kitten

This one doesn't work either. Too much.

A look like lightning came over the Hayden’s face, stimulating and just as rapid as a heavenly bolt.

This doesn't work either. You lay it on a little thick in places, and, in this case, no matter how hard anyone tries, one can't compare anything to lightening without it sounding cliche.

“Would Master Dees care for Pinot Noir tonight or will he be having his...ah...usual?”

I would do a little swapping in this sentence. It sounds better to me for the waiter to first offer the usual, and then offer the Pinot Noir? Also, as soon as I read this, I thought -- "Oh, please don't be blood. Please don't let this be a vampire story." Close call, even if it was blood.

but as she looked into his eyes, all was forgotten except for trust – complete, imminent, and undying trust. He was a good man. A respectable man. The least she could do for his generosity would be to answer the simple question, wasn’t it?

Her acceptance of this man is far too sudden. Until this point, I felt a distinct distrust on her part, a suspicion, an unease. This sudden letdown of Lena's guard isn't justified.

The seed itself was tasteless but not revolting, bearable.

A good example of how, in some places, you get a little wordy. Cut this sentence down to, "The seed itself was tasteless." Sounds and flows much better.

The feeling in Lena’s stomach had subsided and she decided to finish off the meal anyway; it wasn’t that often she was invited, free of charge, to a gourmet eatery, and she had better make the most of it. She took the fourth and fifth piece and bit into them, finishing each off quickly. As fast as the first had come, the second pain in her body hit her with the force of a truck and she gasped, standing up and trying to orient herself. Her vision! What was wrong with her vision? The restaurant was changing, its contours mixing with one another and the lightness of the place disappearing into darkness. The oaken walls turned into a mourning blue, a flame blue, and the carpet was turning into stone. Immediately, Lena knew some sort of drug or something had been placed into the chicken or the seed. Run! I have to run. Get out of here! Her feet couldn’t move, though, and the blood in her veins and arteries started to pound as the restaurant itself began to sink from the world outside, the windows melting away.

This happens too quickly as well, especially followed by the scene before. I really don't know how I would have done things differently, but I know that your introduction of the action is jarring and abrupt.

and she turned back, remembering the piece of chicken she had pilfered.

“Take your garbage back and go to hell!” Lena screamed at him, remembering the piece of chicken she had hidden.

Typo, I'm sure. Redundant.

--

Anyway, as I said, this was good. It was written well, if not a little on the heavy side, especially in the beginning. But I appreciated much of the imagery. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the story itself. It's original, I suppose, but it lacks depth, and in places, coherency. I think that Demeter's character was not nearly justified as it should have been, and the scenes from her POV are understood after the fact -- long after the fact, in my case. The story itself almost seems to me to be a sophisticated sort of fanfiction...

The purpose of the seeds need to be clarified.

Why is Hades in a white robe in the kidnapping scenes?

Why is Lena stranded on the streets? Some kind of representation of the barrenness and the starkness of winter?

What is the significance of the couple you mention on multiple occasions? By describing these minor, minor characters, you divert our attention, and make us imagine there is some significant symbolism behind them.

In a word, I suppose things just aren't focused enough. I can't relate to Lena, and, though it makes the story, I question the "foreplay" Hades had to go to get Lena to eat the seeds -- it smacks of contrivance.

I find it interesting that you portrayed the rape of Persephone with her as a child, instead of an adult, or a teenager.

Can't say I'm a fan of the title.

Thanks for the read!

-Kylan

-Kylan

Gaaaaal.

Miss eleven year old.

I'm SO going to review this.../after/ I do my AP homework O____O

But before I go off and take notes about the Aztecs or Islamic religion, I'll just mention that while skimming through your story, I found a lot of the sentences to be long and tiring.

-Shina

Hello Galeri! Finally here as I promised.

Seeing as so much has been covered, I'll try to keep this short. I'm not a fan of the title. I don't have any suggestions for it, but it's uninteresting and totally not eye grabbing.

I do agree that there are a lot of metaphors throughout. Space them out a bit-- it's a lot to take in at once. Also, cut down on the adverbs, because it sounds like you're pressing description.

As mentioned, watch the transitioning between her distrust and her trusting. Though she's put under something, it's still a little sudden, and I would space that out with a more realistic, silent inner battle or a little bit more resistance.

Watch repetition as well, especially in the same paragraph. Use synonyms; it would make the wording a good deal more fluent.



As I do believe I've said to you, I like this. However, in some ways, I don't.

I liked it because it clearly displayed how you use words in prose. You do excellently with similes, imagery, and metaphors here, and you do write well. It's just, as I read this over again - with extra consideration so that I could critique this - I found minimal details to be overly emphasized to the point where it made character approaches unnatural to a degree.

As far as idea and plot stand, you're okay. I don't all the way feel that you executed the later happenings of the story in a terribly effective way. The beginning of the story was rather clear, a bit better versed, and the later part blurred a bit. Clarification would help.


Not half bad, Gal. This shows promise! I think you should definitely revise this and if you've any questions/care for an extended opinion, PM me.

June

I like the idea, but the execution was rather poor, so let's talk about that.

First of all, metaphors and similes. I know you love them. I love them too. But they have to have some sort of consistency. Sometimes I felt you were going all other the place and sometimes your metaphors were way too vague in a way that would possibly be all right in poetry but were absolutely hideous in the story. The problem is this isn't poetry and your character is certainly not very bright. Think about it. She gets tossed out of the house and she's 18 and she's starving to death? In fact, she's pretty stupid in every sense. Goodness gracious... when I was threatened to get thrown of the house, I had several contingency plans. The fact that she has none and she is simply starving to death out on the streets pretty much indicates to me that she is not very creative or bright. I mean, if this a fairly recent development, I can understand this, but it seems like it isn't. And then you're using all these metaphors that stretch from literature to science? Please. Pretend that we have some intelligence. You have chosen a stupid girl, so you also want to keep the metaphors consistent to what she knows. Which pretty much means that, yes, you need to dumb this down. Because, even though we understand the metaphors, they lead to no better understanding of the character and make her look even stupider than she is.

Next... the flashbacks. They're awful in so many different ways. I mean, you look back at them and think, "Oh, he's retelling the story of Hades and Persephone." But the story is so awfully written that they seemed senseless upon first reading and entirely irrelevant upon subsequent rereadings. They're awful. Get rid of them. If Lena has a vision, write what she has remembered and let it run out before she can remember it all.

I've already touched on this a little before, but your protagonist, Lena, is unbelievably stupid. Let me stress the unbelievable part. It's really bad. Aside from the beginning's stiff set-up (which really makes no sense) everything else seems utterly contrived, as if she's following the motions more to move the story than if she was actually experiencing this situation. One moment, she's all, "I don't trust you! I have Mace!" And then he calls her out and she follows him to a restaurant, thinking she might as well get a good meal out of this. Then, when she starts having this trip (which, if it were to happen to me, I would call possibly call it a LSD trip), she eats MORE of this? Is she $%#@ING INSANE??? More to the point, are we actually supposed to believe that she is this utterly stupid? I mean, you could say, "Oh, well, she was having the crazy visions before she started eating, so it's logical that she would just assume that this is a progression of that instead of the chicken" then why do you imply that Lena thinks it's the chicken? And, if she is this utterly stupid, then why does she have the brilliant idea to shove the chicken in his face?

AND. If she is indeed starving and she has nothing and everything seems to be going to hell anyway, then why wouldn't she go with him? Before you say, "Ah, but this story is a coming-of-age story about a woman who breaks her bonds of slavery and finds true freedom," think about what she's been through. She starving. She's afraid that she's going crazy since she keeps on having these weird visions. She has absolutely nothing. And, just when things reach their most dire state, a handsome man comes to her, gives her food, and asks her to be his wife. If she were in a comfy situation, I could see her resisting. But her? Why would she accept? She's already experienced "freedom" before. She's done soooo well with that too. In the streets, starving to death, with nothing to claim for her own. How are we supposed to believe that hopeful message that everything will be all right in the end?

So that was the content portion of the critique. Now... stylistic!

Your prose is awful. It's like reading a how-to book for purple prose. Instead of choosing the right word, you decide to choose a dozen words, pair that up with mis-match imagery, and hope that that works. Trust me... it doesn't. It really, really doesn't. Not unless you like weak prose.

To make things worse, you like to repeat yourself endlessly with things that we know already. For instance, take something like this:

“What?” Lena asked sharply, looking into his wearied eyes and finding nothing. What did he say?

How many times are you going to imply that she is confused and doesn't know what he said? Goodness gracious! Let's count! She asks the question (1), asks it sharply (2), and then the narrator asks it (3). And! To make things worse, it's in print, which means that, unless there are lots of pages between the first and second questions, we know instantly that what he says in the second version is different. And then the next paragraph is basically a recap on this whole thing. If this were an isolated incident, I could just point this out and be done, but it happens over and over again in the story to the point of absurdity. My god! I don't understand this. You use fairly advanced imagery like we should be knowledgeable and then you keep repeating yourself like we're morons. And it's really, really annoying.

So yeah. What you need to do to make this story better:

• Think about, I mean really think about, Lena. Her character is entirely off to the point where she is completely unbelievable. Maybe you can change how she emerged into this street world. Maybe you can make her smarter. I don't know. But she is so ridiculous right now that she kills the story. It's awful.
  
• Think about the words that you write. I am serious. This is sloppy, purple prose which lacks any strength. Putting together a bunch of words and hoping they go together well is lazy. Think about what you write.
  
• Get rid of the flashback scenes and combine those scenes into the narrative. It'll be a lot more pretty and a lot more dramatic and unnerving when we find out that he's Hades.

Mind you, it was a good idea for the most part. I like the idea of taking this old story and revising it with a modern twist. But the characterization is awful and the style is off-character, repetitious, and annoying. As I said, a good idea poorly written.

"Not my daughter, you [female dog]!"

Hi Gal. I'm sorry that you've had to wait for this review, but seeing as you've received so many detailed ones already, I hope it's okay.

It was here that Lena lay like a rag doll and stuffed with just as much cotton as one

I had to read this several times to get it, but even if it were phrased clearer, I would find it rather odd.

he was a man, that much Lena could be sure of

Well, he's already been identified and spoken about as a man, so this is either misplaced or unneeded or both.

“You know, you remind me of someone,” he said. “She used to be close to me. You might call her my wife.”

“Might?” Lena interrupted

I don't think interrupted is the right word here.

he smiled so warmly and – truthfully? – that Lena slowly pulled her chair

The "and" should be placed between the dashes with "truthfully". I'm splitting hairs here, but hey.

She could have sworn that he had called her a queen. She could have sworn her life on it. Hayden had obviously noticed this as well, judging by his expression which fluctuated between curiosity at her reaction and an attempt at indifference.

Yeah. So? I think you could just cut this off. It's quite boring.

Secretively and a little guiltily

Meh. Adverbs.

My cherished angel could stay with me for half of every year

I guess it goes well with the character, but it's quite corny how he keeps calling her his cherished angel and whatnot. Once would be enough in my opinion.


I'm kind of ashamed to admit how slow I was in getting this story... you basically flooded it with references to the core of the story, but I had to read this twice to understand it. And that was with a little bit of help from the other reviewers. Maybe I was just tired.

I like your words. You could maybe do with a bit of tidying up so the plot won't get in the shadow of the words and details.

See you around.


Demeter
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