Teddy bear in Ground Zero-edited version

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7979
Reviews 111
*finally...after a month of no writing, this is what came up from me. I am not really confident if its all good but i decided to have a go in making short stories again...so what do you think...good or bad...or something in between... :xd:


They are the enemy. Kill them for they killed your countrymen.

It was the eve of the Season fall when she entered the city bearing a rifle that was almost too big for her size. Around her, the wind swept hurling the dead autumn leaves into the streets. Some landed on the cemented street of the city while others landed on the backs of sprawled corpses around her.
She was a slender girl, maybe in her mid teens, with straight blonde hair covered by a green cap. She wore a tight green uniform along with her dappled pants held around by a large green belt with two holsters at each side.
She looked around her, glancing at the morbid corpses of men, women and children before her. Blood flowed from their sides as she walked pass each one, slowly nudging her rifle at them just to make sure if they were dead. Each one, she took a moment to look turning their bodies so that she could see their faces. Their lifeless eyes stared continuously at the heavens.
“This place…,” she stared upwards at the ruined buildings. “…, would have thrived.”
In the distance, she heard gunshots and tanks shots. The shouts of men and women echoed from afar before they were drowned from a large explosion behind the former parliament building. The orange explosion resembled that of a face raging out from the ground. Its loud sound sends off fury towards the sunlit sky.
For a moment, she was captivated by its appearance. She had seen similar things in the past during her training course on a country side of what was once known as Cornwall. However, this kind of explosion was coupled with the dying echoes of people within it. She shook her head forcefully before she made her into the ruins of the city.
“It is going to be rainy.” She whispered to herself, staring at the cloudless sky above her. “In a few hours, I hope.”
As she made her way to the centre of the city, she stopped before a school. Its windows were shattered. Its walls were cracked and covered with bullet holes. The roof had fallen down against the uppermost floor of the building. Before it, the wall was the bodies of militants being feasted by a flock of ravens. Inside, she saw a flicker of lights.
The girl gave a small smile as she made her way towards the building. She placed her rifle at her right hand to scatter the ravens away from the corpses before nudging them by their sides. Again, she turned them around to glance at their lifeless faces. Some of them were much younger than she was-thirteen or even ten-who were probably forced to fight.
She exhaled loudly while the words, “They are the enemy. Kill them…” entered her mind. When she tried to open the thick wooden doors, it was locked. She tried for a few times pulling it open before she saw a rusted old lock inside the doors.
She chuckled to herself taking out her pistol and firing a couple of shots before the lock broke and the doors were wide opened releasing a headless corpse falling towards her. She screamed as she fell down with the corpse.
“Get the bloody hell off of me!” she gasped pushing the corpse away from her. She stood up rapidly to glance at her uniform drenched in blood. She clenched her teeth breathing slowly while holding her chest as she pulled out her rifle and fire a dozen shots at the corpses’ back.
“You freakin’ idiot!” she snarled breathing in and out loudly through her mouth. Her fists were clenched tight, her eyes were wide opened. When she finally calmed down, she stomped the ground muttering various grunts and curses.
From that, she walked her way inside the school. The entrance hall was muck. Desks toppled, chairs ripped apart, floors cracked and the pungency of blood filled the air. A small flock of ravens entered the school ravaging on a number of bodies on the ground. She sighed as she fired a shot from her pistol sending the birds into frenzy as she made her way inside the building.
In almost every part of the school was the same. Only the library was different. Its books were still in tacked with the shelves but at the middle of it was a lone corpse lying on his back. Its head was twisted at the back while its arms were sprawled out. Its torso was cut open and inside the various internal organs was gone.
“They must have been trapped inside here and their only food resources were…” she said as she turned around to the exit. “…themselves.”
Reaching the second floor of the building, she peered out through a window. She took notice of the ruined buildings piling up against each other on the ground. Hundreds of survivors were rushing through the streets avoiding any soldier or militants by hiding through cracks and holes. By the distance at the far end of the city, the battle rages on. Sounds of gun fires echoed to her ears. Militants were hiding through the remaining standing buildings surrounded by a large number of soldiers that tried to force the militants out through the use of tanks and missiles. By the horizon were the shapes of two helicopters along with half a dozen fighter planes that streamed towards the buildings.
They are the enemy, the words returned to her mind; Kill them for they killed your countrymen.
“Retribution,” she murmured sadly before she heard a tiny cracked near her. The girl spun around to her left facing a small room was its door was opening and closing back and forth. She placed her rifle before her firing dozen of shots at the door.
“If there is anyone inside, come out now…!” She screamed. Her eyes were narrowed. Her lips were pressed against each other. She held her rifle tight. Her index finger at the rifle’s trigger was shaking.
She pushed the door opened wide with her legs and rushed in quickly looking around her tensely. Her eyes scanned the room as she brought the gun near her face. It was another room similar from the one she had previously seen. The windows were shattered, wall cracked and floors destroyed. She looked behind her to see a hand behind the door. The girl shot a few shots at it before confirming that the person behind the door was dead.
Underneath her boots, she felt something soft. She lifted her feet off the ground to spot a small teddy bear. It had a brown fur with a ribbon tied around the neck. The girl took hold of bear and brought it close to her face. One of its golden eyes was missing. Its nose was gone and one of its ears had a bullet hole. Slowly, a small smile appeared on her face. Her hands loosened against the pistol touching the tip of the bear’s nose.
“Chester,” she whispered while she giggled. With her free hand, she let her free hand touched its soft fur before she felt the thick feeling of blood at the bear’s stomach. When she lifted her hand off from it, her palm was covered with thick blood.
Her eyes partly widened as she shifted her gaze towards the doors. She nudged the door opened and looked upon the mangled body of a young boy lying on his chest. By his backs were half a dozen bullet holes that came from when she had fired shots at the door. She sighed before looking at the teddy she lifted its arm. Her eyes darted to its golden eyes when she heard a crack behind her.
Turning around with her rifle in both arms, she stared a boy in his pre teens. Black patches surrounded his eyes. His T-shirt dappled in dirt and various ornaments adorned his torso, arms and legs. He began to say wordless pleas not letting his stare away from her rifle.
“Ple…Please…Don’t…shoo…shoot.” He pleaded but the girl did not move brushing her index finger against the trigger. She clenched her teeth drawing her attention away from the morbid corpse of the child by the door.
They are the enemy. Her commander’s words echoed in her mind. Kill them for they killed your countrymen. Outside, she heard the large collapse of the building that the militants stayed along with the various bombing by the fighter planes across the city.
They are winning, she thought. They are winning. She gazed again at the boy before him with his trembling legs, his sweat drenched face slowly pleading for his life.
They killed your countrymen.
After a moment, which seemed like an hour, she forced herself a grin and stared eagerly to him.
“And…what is it…for…for…,” she widened her eyes and screamed, “…ME!” as she threw the bear beside him and fired a couple of shots through its head. When the bear thumped to the ground, the girl wrapped her body against her shoulder and lowering her head. For a moment, she stayed like that murmuring wordlessly to herself while the words of her commander echoed in her mind.
“Chester’s dead,” she said trying to face the young boy before her. “Chester’s long dead,”
Last edited by foxfire on Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
John McClane: Drop it. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6757
Reviews 57
Wow! I really liked it. It kept me guessing on what she was going to do and stuff.
Anyways I'm Narniafreak!

It was the eve of the October fall

Okay I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this. Is it the eve of the season Fall? Because wouldn't that be in September? Or is it something completely different?

By the distance, she heard gunshots and tanks shots

do you mean "In the distance, she..."?

The shouts of men and women echoed from the distance before it vanished from a large explosion behind the former parliament building

Three things:
One, you use the word "distance" twice in a row, so you might want to change it.
Two, "it" should be "they" because "shouts" is plural.
And three, how can "shouts" just vanish because of an explosion? Maybe change it to something like "the shouts were drowned out by a large explosion"

The orange explosion resembled that of a face raging out from the ground. Its loud sound sends off rages towards the sunlit sky

You use the form of "rage" twice in a row so change it.

“In a few hours, I hoped.”

I think [[probably just a typo]] "hoped" should be "hope".
it was budge

Okay this doesn't really make sense.

“Get the bloody hell out of me!”

Do you mean "off of me!"?

Desks stumbled over

Stumbled? I'm not sure that this word fits.
was opening and closing to and fro

To and fro doesn't really fit here, so you might just want to change it.

Underneath her, she felt something soft

Okay, is she on the floor or is it under her feet? Only saying she can't feel through boots so how does she know it's soft?

She sighed before looking at the teddy she lifted y its arm

Another typo! No "y".

Okay sorry that I found so many things to comment on, I can get picky. Please keep writing more, it was good. Plus there are many questions I have that need to be answered! But very good. =]

-Narniafreak!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4054
Reviews 27
Okay, here we go. First off, you have a lot of problems with grammar and vocabulary, which can make this story somewhat hard to comprehend at times. But overall, this is what I might call a 'surprise!!!' story, if a minor one. The ending just totally jumps out and makes no sense with the rest of the story. I thought she was depressed and morbid, like some character out of 'The Road', but definitely not crazy-murderous. The ending is really a killer to this story. Remember, endings should not only make you say 'wow' but 'but of course'. You're missing the second one. Of course, even without the ending this isn't perfect. Your description is very monotonous and desensitizes the reader to any semblance of war or pain after a few lines. You have many blood and corpses, but they don't mean anything or impact the reader in any way. Even out of the morbid stuff, your description really needs touching up. Don't say that every part of the school is the same, for the love of god. Your description needs moderate touching up practically everywhere, really. And it will be worth the work, because the world in this story, and the general idea, are very excellent. They just need salvaging. Re-evaluate this story and the plot points, keeping it in the same 'Ground Zero', and focus on description and you'll be on to something good.

Keep writing,
!CRITIQ!
Spoiler
I like people thinking that I have something so scandalous to say that I put it in spoiler tags, and I'm sorry that because of this selfish desire you were roped into reading this for not real lasting value.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 690
Reviews 1
First of all, I have to say that you have a great flow that really sticks out in the story. It's good. Your setting, your world, is intact and smoothly described, except for a few grammatical and vocabulary errors, of course.

To further shape your story beyond a proofread, however, you might want to sit back and answer this question: "what is it that I really want my reader to take away from this story?" Are you trying to make a statement about life or war or people? Are you trying to explore a character?

I feel that you would benefit from having a more clearly defined goal, and then trimming everything that doesn't build up toward that effect. What you think is necessary to make your point in an effective way is up to you, obviously, but just have a goal, and then play with all of the different techniques for achieving it.

All in all, this is a nice piece, and your description really helps to set the mood. Just think carefully, more than just about what sounds good, but what is most effective to achieve what you want with your words.

Hope this helps!
I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 16930
Reviews 180
Hey, Fox!
I'm finally here with the review!

So, as I've said before I really like your style for you can write almost about anything and still pull it off with a great story. I like your description, it was really good. And how you placed the character's mannerisms, I liked how you used that.
But...
I think that you didn't really made the reader feel the character, see her thoughts, her feelings, everything. Yes, we get she's pretty insensitive about almost everything, but it would made the story even better if you named more of that.

Also, I think that you really need to think well of what is the message of this, like the reviewer above said. To be honest, the first part is awesome, I love it, but right when you were reaching the end it felt too random, as if t was some random girl seeing some random corpses and doing random things. Nothing that would really made the reader more interested.

The part of the teddy bear, I love it, but if you could put how that affected the character. I mean, the title says something about a teddy bear and you say something about it. But I think that if you just mention the teddy bear, the action seems random and unimportant. Because at least to me, that teddy bear part is really good, just ad a little more feeling from the character, maybe not in a whole bunch but through out the story, writing how the teddy bear affected the girl.

Now , there were parts in which you had some grammatical mistakes that you should be careful with. Believe it or not a comma can change the sense of a sentence.
sorry, grammar freak here. :wink:

Foxfire wrote:She looked around her glancing at the morbid corpses of men,

You need a comma here between her and glancing.

Foxfire wrote:Blood flowed from their sides as she walked pass each one slowly nudging her rifle at them just to make sure if they were dead.

YOu need a comma here too between one and slowly.

Foxfire wrote:She whispered to herself staring at the cloudless sky above her

So here you can either you use a comma between herself and staring, or a conjunction.

Foxfire wrote:As she made her way on the centre of the city

I think that here you should replace on with to.

Foxfire wrote:Its walls were cracked and covered with bullet holes. The roof had fallen down against the uppermost floor of the building and before its wall were the bodies of militants being feasted by a flock of ravens. Inside, she saw a flicker of lights.

So here, you don't have to break up the sentence. It's ok, but you didn't have to. you could have placed a comma between holes and the. But as I said before, the way you put is ok.

Foxfire wrote:She chuckled to herself taking out her pistol firing a couple of shots before the lock broke and the doors were wide opened releasing a headless corpse falling towards her

So I think you should place an and between pistol and firing because it makes the sentence look neater and be understood better.

So I just pointed out some of the places were your grammar failed a bit, but I consider that you should proofread this and try to identify the others yourself because I really like this piece and I think it has a heck lot of potential.


XOXO
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine



Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday