You know how much I love this story, my dear friend! You shouldn't break it up! But it is your choice. I didn't catch any nitpicks, though im sure the others will. All I can say is, good start to your book, and post more! The Jessica thing...hehe...nice. ~Shaard
I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. - Conan O'Brien
Hey, Pink here! First of all, welcome to YWS! (hope you like it here). So I'm going to review this short piece for you today. First thing I noticed was this length. If your first chapter is around 1500 words don't be afraid to post the whole thing. Alright, also when I was reading I noticed that some of your sentences are very short, try combining a few of them together. Doing that makes the flow of your work easier to read. Your grammar and punctuation was great, good job! This was an interesting start and I can't wait to see where this story line is going. Keep writing!
~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -W. Somerset Maugham
Wow, thanks! I'm glad you liked it. Also, Pink, the chapter in all, not counting the first part, is about ten thousand words. I thought it wise to break it up. Thanks for the silent applause!
