Doesn't Have A Name/Yet

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this is a haiku that I had to write for my english class. A haiku is a 3 lines poem the first and last lines have 5 syllables and the middle line has 7 syllables.
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The tap of the rain
on the ground gave a lovely
smell to the cold night.




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Hi!
Okay I know what a haiku is, but I usually think the first two lines describe the thing and the last line kinda says what it is. But with your descriptions I could see the rain, and it seemed as if I could smell it. It was great, just that one little thing. But maybe I'm wrong. Great job! :mrgreen:
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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Greetings!

Forgive me for my lack of poetry knowledge. It's going to be odd critiquing a three-line poem constricted to only 17 syllables, haha.

Your idea is very cute. I can see where you're going with it. Nature is a common topic in poetry, especially haiku. Your description is off to a good start!

The line breaks seem very odd in this, however. Imagine a slight pause at the end of each line. When someone reads a poem, they naturally put a pause on it. So it'll be read like this: "The tap of the rain. On the ground gave a lovely. Smell to the cold night." It sounds clunky, right? Perhaps there's a different way to phrase your sentence/haiku so as to avoid that.

I also think you could use stronger words. With such a short poem, you have to pick just the right word to describe what you mean. "Tap" was a great choice. "Gave" and "smell" are a bit weak. "Cold night" is a bit irrelevant. It doesn't matter if it's hot or cold; it's still raining. Try words like "wafted" or "scent" -- use a thesaurus, actually, lol. *fail* And the last line, I don't think the rain is giving its smell to the night. That's just odd, haha. If anything, it would be "in" the night, but I think you should just drop the night thing altogether and focus on the rain--the smell, the feel, whatever.

Not sure if I made any sense or if I inspired you in any way. I hope I helped a little though. Good luck!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




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Hey!
This was very good. I adore short poems that are able to convey such powerful messages.
Like another haiku I reviewed earlier today, you were able to capture some wonder and beauty in only three lines, which not many people can do.

However, the changes between your lines seemed a little forced, like you were trying to cram too much in. I would rewrite the haiku to try to ease and smooth everything out.

PM if you have any questions.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am.
— Sylvia Plath