unknown name chapter 1 part I first draft

Hi people. I started this all a few days ago and it is all first draft. Apologies for all the bumping I'm just very anxious to see what everyone thinks of my "comeback" novel .
Enjoy. Apologies if the punctuation in the story is off just try ignore it <_<... All I'm looking for in a review is if it sounds interesting and if I still have "it" after a year away from my writing

Prologue:
THE LOST CITY HAS BEEN FOUND
The lost city of Protila has been excavated
Near the city of Twintle by archaeologists
On Starday the 19th of Laguna.
The city last seen 3000 years ago
Was located by a local person of
Twintle. "He just said he was digging
To bury his dead dog and after a few
Feet of digging he saw what was the top
Of a column", lead archaeologist Steven
Oval has said.
The city last seen 3000 years ago and inhabited
By the Aryan people Was
Wiped out of the maps by a volcano or
So records say.

Chapter 1: a time for change
I. The group
They danced together in the great hall of the castle Takenight. It was their final dance together, final night together their final time together. As they swayed together, their parents, at the high table, sat conversing not knowing what was going through their childrens' heads. The music finally stopped and maybe it was bedtime. But Taylor, the leader of the children begged and begged until finally the adults gave in and agreed that they could have one last game of soccer.
Out the doors they ran onto the grass outside the great hall. First came Taylor, ball in hand, next came his girlfriend and future wife Rossa, than followed Thimothy, Gabriel, Gaylord, Sanity, Salador, Rintol, Seven and the youngest; Ripple.
As usual the teams were, Taylor(Captian) Rossa, Salador, Rintol and Ripple on goalie(She may be young but there is no other goalie that can compare). And the other team was Gaylord(Captain) Thimothy, Gabriel, Sanity and Seven on goalie.
Thruntle, Current king until the end of the night as well as Taylor's father, blew the whistle and the game started.
It was all just a routine game for them and no surprise nor anger about the ending for anyone. Just a routine game and it was in actual fact their true final dance together. Their final dance, final time and final night... It just didn't hit them yet.

II. Galador and Thruntle
Thruntle entered the office followed by Galador his best friend and king of neighbouring kingdom; Falicide.
“Well old boy.” Galador said as they sat down in their seats of the Triangle table. “Your last day,” He reminded Thruntle sadly.
“Yes but its been a good reign. Who would've thought it would end in peace?”
“A drink?” Galador asked his friend as he pulled out some whiskey and a couple glasses from his coat.
“Oh yes,” Thruntle said as he looked around the office which was pretty much empty, except for the Triangle table, as all of his belongings had already been removed to make way for his sons first day tomorrow. His eyes finally rested on the third and empty seat of the Triangle table.
“Yes poor Wadrick,” Galador said reading his friends mind, “But as you remember his power hungry mind got the best of him. Though I didn't really think the guillotine was the best way for him to go but you are king...”
“Correction I was king,” Thruntle said as he checked his pocket watch, “As of now I am officially not king.”
“Ah well,” Galador said raising his glass to Thruntles, “To the end of fun and the start of worry!” and they both drank after which Galador poured out more drink.
“Yes,” Thruntle agreed, “Big worry. I mean Taylor is all a king should be; cocky, fearless and ready for war at a seconds notice... But than that is what scares me. He could start a war over anything anytime without even thinking it out.”
“Bah his wife will set him straight. My Marie will be a great but tough wife. If anything you should be worried if he will be able to put up with her more than anything else! Speaking of which how did he take it when you told him?”
“I ah haven't told him yet.” Thruntle replied guiltily while taking another drink...
“Dear sir, I must be blunt in saying that is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You do know that you now must be ready for a good amount of adolescent complaints!”
“Oh bugger it I hope he doesn't start a war against me,” Thruntle replied chuckling trying to lighten the moment well aware that he was pretty much fucked tomorrow.
“Luckily you have him trapped. I don't think he'd be dumb enough to call it off and start a war all on his first day.” Galador said uncertainly.
“Oh my friend... I hope.”
“Well my friend time to hit the hay, early exciting day ahead of us!” Galador said standing up and holding out his hand to his friend who shook it.
“Enjoy your last week as king Galador!” Thruntle said as Galador exited the room.
Thruntle sat there for ten more minutes lost in thought than decided to give up and walked towards the door.
He stood there and looked around the room one last time as he stepped out and sighed. “I hope... Oh I hope.” He said as he closed the door.

III. Taylor
Hello first day as king and 18th birthday Taylor thought to himself lying on his bed as the sun rose in . Not gonna be easy but at least I'll have Rossa by my side He thought happily as he rose from the pillow. Ahh good he thought as he looked around and saw the whole room pretty much empty apart from the wardrobe, his bed and the clothes for today. The servants must have already moved most of my stuff. Well lets go and be king. As he got changed he heard a knock at the door.
“Come in.” he said as he only had his shirt to put on.
In stepped Rossa looking who was crying which Taylor responded to by walking towards her ready to console her.
“DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?” She screamed at him while pushing him away.
“What?” He asked worried.
“Y-Y-Y-Your arranged marriage.” She finally choked out.
“Excuse me. Arranged marriage?”
“Yes, She herself told me about it all casually during breakfast.”
“Who did?”
“Marie of Falicide.”
“What? This must be some kind of mistake. Wait here I'm gonna go talk to my father about this.” he said exiting the room.
He found his father sitting in silence staring into space in his fathers former, now his, office.
“Is it true?” he asked with force brining his father out of his peace.
“Is what true?” Thruntle asked knowing exactly what was coming.
“Did you arrange for me to be married to Marie of Falicide?” Taylor asked impatiently knowing full well his father was playing dumb.
“I sure did,” Thruntle said casually.
“ So I didn't even hear this from my own father. He just sets it up without my consent... I am king now you know and I hear this from Rossa's own lips. And you knew this didn't you? You knew I can't break it up because it would cause great distress the world over.” To go against an arranged marriage can really mess things up. To do so Is like the biggest insult from one king to another. “You're a rotten bastard. I should have you publicly humiliated.” Not even king can have his family executed over something so small which to everyone else, bar Taylor and Rossa, is small.
“Oh son If only you knew, the life of a king isn't going to be easy. You yourself will probably end up doing exactly the same thing one day.”

Umm... I don't know where to begin.
First off I'd like to know how old these children are because it seems to me that if a child who has a girlfriend is not a child be a teenager of about 14 (minimum). A short description of everyone would be nice, but I can wait.

It was their final dance together,their final night together, [b]their[/b]final time together;.

If you swich final night and final time, and add their, it becomes more ominous and a bit scarier

The music finally stopped and maybe it was bedtime. ButTaylor, the leader of the children begged and begged until finally the adults gave in and agreed that they could have one last game of football.

The passage in bold does away with the need for: But no it wasn't. (As for football instead of soccer, I'm just British that way (even though I loath the sport))

Out the doors they ran onto the grass outside the great hall. First came Taylor, ball in hand, next came his girlfriend and future wife Rossa

Again with what I said in the beginning: How old are these kids?? and if they are never going to see each other again then why bother to put in future wife??

I hope this review helped I hope I wasn't overharsh

Runelord wrote:Umm... I don't know where to begin.
First off I'd like to know how old these children are because it seems to me that if a child who has a girlfriend is not a child be a teenager of about 14 (minimum). A short description of everyone would be nice, but I can wait.

as said in my whole description about this whole part of the chapter was to describe their final night together. age, emotions etc will be discovered during their pov moments

Runelord wrote:

Out the doors they ran onto the grass outside the great hall. First came Taylor, ball in hand, next came his girlfriend and future wife Rossa

Again with what I said in the beginning: How old are these kids?? and if they are never going to see each other again then why bother to put in future wife??

in his mind she was still his future wife, but as said in the end it still hadnt hit them thus we discover in the next part he was wrong

Runelord wrote:I hope this review helped I hope I wasn't overharsh

nope not too harsh prehaps you can tell me if it sounded interesting and if you plan to read the next parts of the chapter which i plan to write tonight

Hi Tigs

Thanks for the edit.

Let's start with your prose. You write a fairly easy to read story which flows and is quite entertaining. This easy style of yours is somewhat weighed down by certain elementary mistakes that you make while writing and they need to be addressed.

To start off with, this chapter seems very "info-dumpy". At the start of your chapter we don't know a single character and you throw us loads of names to make sense of in one shot. And that's just the names. We deal with a whole bunch of different stuff. We start off with a soccer game which has seemingly no impact on the story, and then before that gets a chance to get interesting we see the end of a kingship approaching, and then before we know anything about why anything is happening, we're thrown the character of Taylor's arranged marriage with barely having seen him as a character before.

I guess it all seems to be a little bit randomly thrown together and not too professional. You describe random details that don't need description and ommit details that should be fleshed out on. Why do we need to know the positions of the players on the soccer field? If you want us to know them, show us the soccer game in vivid detail with the fouls and the penalties and all the character interaction. If you want us to care about a character, you need to give us time to connect to him.

Names like "Gaylord" aren't particularly funny and don't contribute to your story. Writing humor is something that requires a great deal of thought and care. What makes good humor is often exaggeration of a scenario, or understatement of a serious event, or awkward scenarios that characters have to face. Slapstick and unbelievable dialogue don't work often as mediums through which a reader is entertained.

I know it's a cliche and is not always true, but I'd suggest that you try to show rather than tell the story. Describe that which needs description in concise but vivid imagery. That which doesn't need description is baggage and should be ommitted.

Your dialogue also needs a little more realism. Try eavesdropping to hear how other people speak, and read out your dialogue aloud to yourself ascertaining whether or not it sounds plausible. Try to give each of your characters strong personalities that gradually show themselves as the characters are tested in one way or another. It might also help to focus your attention from the perspective of a character if you want a little more drive. I don't mean writing from the first person, I mean writing in the third person with the focal point on only what each character can see independently rather than omniscience.

It's also not necessary to capitalize shouting. Ideally, you want your reader so involved in the story that he doesn't break to look at the fact that you're writing. The rule of writing well is not drawing attention to yourself. Capitalizing dialogue draws attention to yourself. Try to remain as subtle as possible and you'll be able to get your reader to read further.

Speaking of reading further, the last thing that your story really needs is intrigue. You want to leave us with a couple of puzzles that we might not yet know the answer to but we feel that you'll reveal them to us and they're worth knowing the answer to. We need a reason to read forward and you should provide that. Especially in the first chapter which is when you should be trying to completely hook us and pull us into your world.

So, you want to know whether you still have it. The answer is that you have great potential and an easy and comfortable writing style. You're quite sloppy though, and you'll need to tighten the screws somewhat.

I hope the review helped

Keep Well!

Master_Yoda wrote:Names like "Gaylord" aren't particularly funny and don't contribute to your story.

I will reply to your review in a few hours when im actually awake as its past midnight here. I will reply to this though. The name was not picked to be humourous. As I said(I think) in the first intro that this book will not be funny... you want comedy read my other work on here ... That name was picked because I have always wanted to use it in a story as its the name of a friend who has annoyed me many times to include him by name in one of my books.

bah edit stuff it ill just reply now my cats stolen my bed anyway

Master_Yoda wrote:
Let's start with your prose. You write a fairly easy to read story which flows and is quite entertaining.

Thank agatha christie for her influence on me. If you've read any of her books you'll notice she doesnt add any crap thats needed she just tells you what is there and the rest is pretty much dialogue

Master_Yoda wrote:

To start off with, this chapter seems very "info-dumpy". At the start of your chapter we don't know a single character and you throw us loads of names to make sense of in one shot. And that's just the names. We deal with a whole bunch of different stuff. We start off with a soccer game which has seemingly no impact on the story, and then before that gets a chance to get interesting we see the end of a kingship approaching, and then before we know anything about why anything is happening, we're thrown the character of Taylor's arranged marriage with barely having seen him as a character before.

I guess it all seems to be a little bit randomly thrown together and not too professional.

Yes I know I put all the info there but I've sorta done that for myself more than the current reader. As I've said a few times its only first draft. Believe me I intend for that final draft to make sure the reader is never lost. Pretty much all I have intended with this is to get everything out of my brain and onto the paper(which you noticed by saying that it is all thrown together and it is for now) than I'm gonna build on it. Though I agree I should put all the info about how today is special but I sorta worded it so it'd be mysterious and so forth guess it didnt work. [/quote]

Master_Yoda wrote: You describe random details that don't need description and ommit details that should be fleshed out on. Why do we need to know the positions of the players on the soccer field? If you want us to know them, show us the soccer game in vivid detail with the fouls and the penalties and all the character interaction.

Yeah I was going to write the whole game but I guess I found it to be something that can be built on but not so important atm

Master_Yoda wrote: If you want us to care about a character, you need to give us time to connect to him.

Which I intend to do with all their parts in the chapter. As you have noticed? The parts are small which again is just to get all the major stuff down. I mean even I thought that the two kings convo was small as hell and I intend to make it a good long chat between old buddies

Master_Yoda wrote:It's also not necessary to capitalize shouting. Ideally, you want your reader so involved in the story that he doesn't break to look at the fact that you're writing. The rule of writing well is not drawing attention to yourself. Capitalizing dialogue draws attention to yourself. Try to remain as subtle as possible and you'll be able to get your reader to read further.

I would've thought that the capitalising would've shown the true emotion that the character was really pissed...

Master_Yoda wrote:So, you want to know whether you still have it. The answer is that you have great potential and an easy and comfortable writing style. You're quite sloppy though, and you'll need to tighten the screws somewhat.

all screws will be tightened overtime. To be really blunt I actually have no plot. Like this chapter was all thrown together from ideas I wrote down. I mean I have a whole list of ideas and things to do in the book but no solid plot I just wanted to get that chapter down cause I pretty much knew that this was the right thing to do for it. Thanks for the acknowledgement that I still have it. Seriously I've never really considered myself any good at anything but when a good friend said "I wish I could write like you" <_< I nearly cried lol

Master_Yoda wrote:I hope the review helped

very much

not much a bump just an update that in about 24 hrs i will be editting the whole first message to include a much better written version of events sat down tonight and really worked on the first part and im actually taking all day tomorrow to make that first chapter completly shine cant wait!

sounds captivating. i can not wait until you write more. i love how you start off the story with the sense of impending danger. i would love to here more about this city that wasn't seen in 3000 years. i also love the ending when it leaves you hanging. why did the father arange a marriage for his son when he knew that his son loved someone else? keep writing. sounds good.