Look What You've Done

Okay this is my entry for Forestqueen808's contest. The song that inspired it was called Look What You've Done by Jet. I know that this isn't the actual meaning behind the song, and that it can be interpreted in many ways, but this is the one I chose to use as an interesting(hopefully) plot. Please read and review. Many thanks.
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They're dead. They're all dead. And it's your fault. I hate you. I hate you with a passion.
And that passion grows with ferocity every moment my eyes continue to linger on yours. But I can't look away.
What are you doing to me? Why can't I move my gaze? What makes your eyes so addicting?
"You've killed them. Why did you kill them? My family. They were MY family. So why did you kill them?"
You don't reply. You fool. Open your mouth and speak. Don't just stare at me.
Guilty as charged, that's what they'll tell you when they come. I hope it's soon.
I can't stand to be here with you any longer. My skin itches at the sight of you. Leave. Get away from me.
But no. You won't move. You just stare, with an empty hole inside of you. You know you're a killer.
You know you deserve nothing but hatred. Because it's all your fault I'm alone. I will always be alone now.
"I HATE YOU" I scream, glaring into you with eyes full of malice. But your reply is silent. No words follow me.
Black orbs are burnt into your skull. Can you see from them? Can you see me? Do you see you? What have you done?
Why did you do it? Hot tears leak down my cheeks. Do you see them? Are you sad? Can you feel anything at all?
No. Because you're not human. Where has your soul gone? Left you to rot in your own sins. I can hear the sirens coming.
Here's your chance to leave. Run now, run and never look back. Run far away to a place where they can never track you.
Please just go away. The door is smashed open. You coward. They're here. They grab your hands and push you roughly away.
I can't see you any more. Those black orbs don't burn me now. But I can still feel them, grabbing at my skin.
Finally you speak.
"It wasn't me officer."
But look what you've done.

This was pretty cool. i like the ambiguity at the end. however, i think this would be a much better piece if the writing seemed a little less cliche. i know that the narrator's family was killed, but even so it comes off as melodramatic... i think you could still have the very jagged, pointed sentences, but i'd say make them a little more personal. the set up is very nice, though, and i really do think that with a little editing this could be amazing. since you're the writer i can't even come close to telling you how to do it. i just think the sentences prior to the ending come off as very generic, when they could be powerful and haunting.

but this was a VERY interesting piece. not straight forward at all, and it does not settle well-- meaning i love it. so if you do end up making any style changes to it, please tell me.

That was really great! I liked it a lot. I could feel the anger and I was listening to the song while I read it, and I could totally imagine the scene almost like a movie. The only thing I saw that was kinda bugging me was that you kept doing questions. But I kinda get why you did that because of the anger. But otherwise it was really good. I liked it a lot! Great job!

~Forest

P.S. I can't decide the results yet because they haven't been sent in, but anyways it was good!!!

Thats an awesome piece of work you got there, I love there way you put the reader in the story.

Nicee Work Bindy!

Thanks Kayla