The List, Prompt 079 *edited*

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A little background.

My new project is "The List", something which will probably be renamed. In short, it is simply one hundred prompts. Some of them will be connected to others, most of them will be stand-alone. In the end, none of them should need to be read in order.

---

079. Illogical

Her hands smelled of clementines.

Of all the things he’s lost of her, this is the one that remains. That sharp, pungeunt odor that used to follow her around like an exotic perfume.

She would have lived on the things if she could have.

“Mark, would you like a clementine?”

The words still travel through his mind occasionally, and when they do he closes his eyes and remembers, remembers the scent of her hair, her skin, and then the scent of clementines.

Those damned clementines.

~

She lay in the hospital bed, her hair splayed across the white pilllow, the color stark in comparison. In her pale hands, as usual, she holds a clementine.

The nurses tell her that she shouldn’t eat so many of them, but she only smiles at them and offers them a piece of the fruit.

“Go on,” she says, her voice still carrying that teasing undertone. “They’re good for you.”

The perfume of the clementines are sweet, and Mark used to think that it would make her hands taste like candy. When he kisses them, to his disappointment, he finds that it only tastes bitter.

~

She died in her sleep, they told him. Calmly, peacefully. No, there was no pain, no suffering. She went gently.

In the days after her death, he would lean his head against the window and close his eyes. Sometimes he would stray into the area between sleep and awareness, and she would be there with him, her legs pulled up underneath her. She was always eating clementines.
Don’t you get sick of eating those things? He wanted to ask her. He never did. He didn’t want to offend her, or make her go away.

She very rarely said anything, only smiled and ate her fruit.

He once asked what Death was like to her, only because of the surrealist state he was in.

“Sweet and gentle,” she’d answered, her eyes shining. “He brings me Clementines.”

Death, the bringer of clementines.

~

The bowls in their apartment used to be filled to the brim with clementines. They sat empty now.

Sometimes, if he were in the store, he’d stop in the produce aisle and pick one up, weighing it in his hands. He’d bring it close to his face, and inhale deeply. He’d treasure the scent.

Then, slowly, he’d drop it back into the bin and walk away.


~

He got drunk one night, and she came to see him. He lay his head against the kitchen table and sobbed, cursing her and her death and those blasted clementines. Through bleary eyes he’d looked to up and see her standing there, smiling a sad smile. She came close to him, and placed her hand on the table.

When she took it away, he saw the small orange sitting on the table, shining brightly as though it were a jewel.

“Have a piece of fruit, Mark,” she said sadly, running her hands over his hair, his face, his neck. “It’ll make you feel better.”

He cried himself to sleep at the kitchen table, and when he woke up hours later, exhausted to the core, she was gone, and the scent of clementines lingered in the air.

He held the Clementine she’d brought him gently in his palms, rubbing the pad of his thumb over the textured skin. Then he crushed the fruit in his hands, and felt the scent of the juice overwhelm him.

She never came to see him again after that.
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010




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Hey. Just a few little things:

Once, he asked her, in the strange state he was in, what death was like.


How would she know what death was like? She's not dead yet. Or he just asking the general question? Does he expect her to answer? I'm guessing not, because the next line says, "unexpectedly." Still. It was a little bizarre.

He got drunk one night, and she came to see him.


This is the most insanely boring sentence I have ever read. Really. I'm sure that you can do better than this. You're telling us. Show us this. What kind of alcohol was it? I don't know why this is bugging me so much, but it is.

He lay his head against the kitchen table and wept, cursing death and the clementines and even she.


&

When she took it away, he saw the bright spot of color that was a clementine.


Odd wordage FTW. Seriously, though. I would cut these until you can find another way to word them. Right now, they're really atrocious.

-

Otherwise, I really, really liked this, Cat-sama. I think it does a great job with symbols and meanings and death and stuff like that. You gotta keep me updated on more, because I'm really interested to see how this is going to come along. This is a great hook, even if it doesn't have to be read in order.

No real complaints here, other than the ones I said up there. Good luck. ;)

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Imouto-chan!

I haven’t reviewed in a while so I’m rusty. But! I like this. I have some suggestions and some other comments, but I want to start with the fact that I liked this and I believed in it. Some stories are perfect but entirely unbelievable, you know? I believe this, which is fantastic to see, I’ve missed believing.

Stop ranting and get on to the comments? Sure!

I think you should condense this. You have a lot of one line things and fragments – I am an avid lover of fragmented sentences, I feel they hit just right. The problem I find with them is that you don’t seem to have enough longer sentences or paragraphs to even them out. A set apart sentence, word or line should be an impact of some kind. While I’m reading your story, I start to lose the initial impact. “Her hands smelled of clementines” is a beautiful beginning – do not take that out. This first line slowly gets repetitive, as you mention clementines over and over again, your usage of the word and the symbolism is good, but your story is too short for the repetition, I think. This is, of course, personal opinion. I would suggest extending the story a little more. Give us some of the world around the couple, not before this situation, I don’t know what they *were*, rather I want to know about how they are now. HE’s still in love with her and she’s hanging around as long as she can. Tell me where they are, what room is he in, how does he look, is she real, can he touch her? What is she wearing, I wonder; are her lips blue and swollen, does her face crater with the worms that slither through her coffin, or is she perfect as she ever was?

I am, of course, a description lover, as you already knew. :D I love how you’ve approached this though! I like the progression, the hints and suggestions. The best I can do is suggest you lengthen it a little bit and see how you go from there.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Sachiko!

How melancholy and cute this is. So bittersweet and gentle; an overall appreciative piece. In an odd way this makes me happy... maybe it's the clementines and the peaceful tone this carries...

Pay attention to what Bear pointed out. Those two highlighted sentences do have odd wording and my mind figuratively stumbled over them. Nothing major, because they didn't wreck this up.

The ending... it's not good. It needs work! See, because you have all of this beauty in words, elegance and a delicate narration pulling the prose forward. Baggie is an awkward word, and ziploc is no less. If there's some other way you can narrate his action of burning the peels, do seek to find it, dear. It's a touch awkward this way and doesn't do this story much justice.


It's a good piece! I would recommend trimming excess words out that do nothing for us. Such as in the line where he's unable to buy even a single one-- cut some of that deadwood out.

Thanks for the read, Chee! Keep it up. I enjoyed it. :)

- June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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Oh hi. Since this is me, and you're you, I don't have to be all formal and stuffs. So... story. Yes.

That sharp, pungeunt odor that used to follow her around like an exotic perfume.


Pungent, maybe? Iunno. But I like your beginning. I am curious and stuff.

She died in her sleep, they told him. Calmly, peacefully. No, there was no pain, no suffering. She went gently.


I would spaz about adverb mauling if they weren't things they were saying. :P

Don’t you get sick of eating those things? He wanted to ask her.


No capital "He"? I am no longer sure. This story seems removed from stories. xD

only because of the surrealist state he was in.


This last bit doesn't sit too well with me, for some reason. We know he's in the state from your half asleep, half aware bit before. And things don't have to make sense there. I don't know. It seems rather... redundant?

Then, slowly, he’d drop it back into the bin and walk away.


Bah. Here is an adverb I can disapprove of. xD We can tell how he dropped it, or we should be able to, by his prior attitude and the wording of the rest of the sentence.

And that's all I can find to complain about. I resent that. And you get a gold star.

I like her. Her dialogue stood out from the rest of it, somehow? That's what you did the best with, I think. She's so simultaneously absent and present that she's easily envisioned (also, yay for comments that make no sense).

Please forgive me for this review.

XD



True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown