Maybe, Maybe Not

It all began five days prior to my fifteenth birthday. My mother and I had been shopping for my cousins graduation gift. What do you get a cousin you haven't seen in like...years? Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway I had been wandering the isles not really looking I'd only come because if I hadn't I would have been stuck at home studying for finals. Every once in a while my mother would call out to me "Dear have you found anything yet!" my reply, a lazy wave of my hand. Honestly there was nothing here.Turning on my heel prepared to drag to mother out to fetch me lunch I stopped. Yes I know it's rude to listen in on others conversation but I was bored and couldn't help myself.
I stood with my back against the shelf and my head a tad craned over the side. You might be wondering why I would be interested in listening in on two elementary school girls conversation, I'll tell you. One held on to this mic thing made of pure genuine crystal it was beautiful the way it shone under the light. Not realizing that my hand was so close to a boxed barbie doll it hit the floor with an audible thud!. Quickly bending over I picked it up from the floor and get away before they could stop me. No such luck. "Wait you girl!,how much did you just overhear?"

What do you get a cousin you haven't seen in, like, years?

Alright, add in the commas, and delete the "..." You don't need it there.

Anyway, I had been wandering the isles not really looking. I'd only gone because if I hadn't, I would have been stuck at home studying for finals.

So add the bolded. The italisized is reapeating from the line above. Find another way to say it. Your story won't flow if you ise "I had been" in two back-to-back sentences.

Honestly there was nothing there

Don't change tenses!

I turned on my heel, prepared to drag mother out to fetch me lunch, but I stopped. Yes, I know it's rude to listen in on others conversations but I was bored, and couldn't help myself.

I stood with my back against the shelf and my head a tad craned over the side.

This sentence is just awkward.

One held on to this mic thing made of pure genuine crystal it was beautiful the way it shone under the light.

Consider writing it like this: One held on to this mic thing made of pure genuine crystal, and the way the light shone on it was beautiful.

Not realizing that my hand was so close to a boxed barbie doll, I knocked into it, and it fell onto the floor with a thud.

Quickly bending over I picked it up from the floor and get away before they could stop me. No such luck.

If you wrote it like this, it would be less confusing: I quickly tried to bend over, pick it up, and get away before they could stop me, but no such luck.

"Wait, you girl!,how much did you just overhear?"

Okay, so delete the underlined and add the bolded.


So, you need some help on your tenses and grammar. Do you have something against commas? haha. You seemed to switch from the past to the present tense alot. If you like writing in the present, then do so. It would decrease the chances of changing it absentmindedly.
Overall, I think you should have explained more, and submitted more. I have no idea what is going on, and from the little piece you submitted, I'm not sure if I want to.
~Classy

I get what it's like to just post a piece of something bigger... which I hope this is part of. I didn't understand exactly what was going on, but I'm hoping that there was something that led up to this part.

I liked the reality of your story. I can imagine myself with my mom doing the same thing. It was a little difficult to read however; adding commas and staying in the same tense throughout the piece would help. Maybe you should try reading it out loud before you submit it-- it might help you catch some of those errors.

Overall I thought your writing was realistic, and in that sense good. I wanted to keep reading so that I could figure out what the girl overheard. Keeping a reader enticed is an important attribute to any writing... so congratulations.

I hope you continue this so I can find out what happens .
--
kawriter