(Title Pending)

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This is something I started a while ago, I'm not sure if I should continue it... And I have no title, all suggestions are greatly appreciated! Now go! Rip it apart!
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She had to run.

She had to get away, far away from him.
He had hurt her, not more then an hour ago.
He, the man she loved, who she thought loved her, the man she was to be married to, had tried to take away her innocence. She was weak, dizzy, she felt as if she was going to vomit. But she ran, trying to forget what had just happened.

She had been walking home from the sheep farm, where she had been carding, and spinning all day.
It was dark, but it was a full moon, a shining face casting light from the heavens onto the fields of wheat on either side of the dirt path. She saw a figure stumbling towards her, as it came closer she realized it was Hans, her Hans. She ran to see what the matter was.
As she ran up, he grabbed ahold of her shoulders and slurred:

"Carrra, jussst the woman I wanted to sssee."

She could smell the bitter scent of alcohol on his breath. His hand started making its way down from her shoulders to her chest, She felt suddenly repulsed of him, of her one and only. Cara tried to pull herself from his grasp, but he was strong and held her tightly. His eyes hungrily stared at her bust.

“Hans... Let go, let go! What are you doing?!?” Her voice rose in panic.

“Relaxx,” He replied “It will feel good, trusst mee”

As he said this he pushed her to the ground roughly. Her head hit a rock, and pain shot though her skull. Hans clamored on top of her, pulling at her dress. Cara started screaming.

“HELP! Oh my god, HELP!”

He shoved his dirty handkerchief into her mouth, as he pinned her arms down. She struggled, continuing to scream despite the gag. She thrashed her body, trying to get him off of her, as he attempted to quite her. Cara kicked her legs hard, hitting him in the crotch; and he fell over groaning in pain. She pushed him off of her, dizzily stumbled up; and started running.

Through the fields, across the brook on the other side of the sea of wheat, and into the woods. She ran, hard and fast. The tree branches grabbed at her, her clothes, and her hair.
They clawed at her, as He had. The place where she had hit the rock, just under her right eye, bled. It rained, pelting her skin, but not washing away the feeling of his hands on her. She ran still, until she could no longer. She tripped, and fell, she tried, but her body did not have the energy to rise. She felt her stomach contract, and she vomited. As she lay there she felt the world slipping away, and everything went black…
Last edited by BondGirl007 on Sun Nov 29, 2009 2:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hi Hope. Here's your review:

I thought personally this was a bit rushed. I'd like to know more of what Cara was thinking as she was walking home. I liked that at the beginning you didn't tell what happened but by what we knew she was doing and how she was acting we could infer what happened. I also thought it was funny that you chose Hans for the man's name. (I read it as hands, my mistake).

Elana kicked her legs hard

I like this name. But your MC's name is Cara. I think you got a little mixed up. :wink:

Overall I felt like I could know Cara a little bit more. It was rushed but since you are unsure about going on I say expand this part and work with it from there since it was such a small piece. Good luck, I hope you keep going.

PM me if you have any questions.
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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ooh that was good! keep going.

A little bit of description would help the visual effect.

~Jessey
When you are in love with your instrument you know you are a band geek!!<3




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Hehe, I didn't realize the irony in his name, it was the first thing that came to mind. I had other names for the characters and realized that I had used them in another story and had to change them.

Thanks!

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hey, Hope! This was great. You captured my attention from the very beginning. I would like to see where you take this. There are only a few nit-picks!

BondGirl007 wrote:But she ran, trying to forget what had just happened.

This sentence is perfectly fine. Although, I always try to stay away from using 'but' as an opener.

BondGirl007 wrote:She had been walking home from the sheep farm, where she had been carding, and spinning all day.

Describe this to us. What's it like at the farm? Is she young, or old enough to have her own home? What time period is this?

BondGirl007 wrote:“Hans... Let go, let go! What are you doing?!?” Her voice rose in panic.

You are great at capturing attention, just watch out not to over use question marks and exclamation marks. You could end with just a question mark, then tell us that she "yelled, desperately."

BondGirl007 wrote:“Relaxx,” He replied “It will feel good, trusst mee”

It would be, "Relaxx," he replied. "It will feel good. Trust me."

BondGirl007 wrote:As he said this he pushed her to the ground roughly.

Comma after 'this'!

Other than those few things, this was great! Just work on describing the setting. Can't wait for more!

Keep writing! Good luck!

-Kate :elephant:

P.S. I have no clue about what you should name this. Sorry!
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Ok so it's probably been a while since you posted this but I'll review anyways. I didn't have too much to say and I didn't want to be too detailed at this point (I don't know what you've done with the story) but I thought in the beginning your sentences were a bit wordy and confusing so shorten those up a bit.
Also, I think you should put the first part after the end of this post. It was weird being thrust into this run, which is always good to start with, good tension, but you pushed us back into the past while we were with her in the present. It was a bit rough because of that but all in all I think it was rather good.



Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee