I watched as the plane disappeared into the clouds. Taking my baby away from me. It had been hard to say goodbye to her- for in a way she had been my first love. I remember the joy of having held her for the first time; I wouldn’t let anyone else touch her. She was so small and pale and ever so fragile. She never cried.
In a way, she was still like that. It was rare to hear her complain about anything. She never complained about the cold, damp country in which she lived: though I suspected she felt some resent towards it. And now she was heading off to stay with another mother. Did she prefer Sue? Of course, I hoped not, but I couldn’t help but fear it. Sue had a big house, with a garden; a wonderfully sunny place; and three children, company for my baby. And though I despised that woman, I allowed my daughter to stay with her, because she seemed to want to.
Because she was the most precious thing in my world. And now she was gone, I was free to cry.
2.
Falling [Over the Atlantic]
Time passed. I read magazines. I refused the in-flight meal service. I slept. I reminded myself again and again, chanting like a mantra in my head, ‘I’m a sceptic, I’m a sceptic. I don’t believe in you, I don’t believe in you.’ But even in that I was contradicting myself.
I watched as, across the aisle, a mother struggled to make her baby sleep. A young man thumbed through a book, music audible through his thin wire headphones. A child laughed.
It was one of those moments where you see yourself outside of your body; surrealistically; hovering in mid-air, trapped in a chasm of fear: Will I ever get back? The words of a poet sprung to my mind: ‘Enchanted’ said the devil, to his exterior fear, he greeted her with sly wit, whilst inside he was plagued by his interior fear’.
And then on the word fear, the plane lurched.
* * *
The seatbelt tab pinged on above my head, like a bright red warning light, flashing with fury. The baby woke.
“Stay calm, ladies and gentlemen!” Shelley bustled down the aisle, though even through the layers of plastic that shielded her face I could see a hint of fear in her frozen expression, “Don’t pani-” she was cut off by another violent lurch, which tipped her into the headphone-guy’s lap.
You know in books, and films, there’s always a moment, just before something really bad happened, where there is total pure silence. Where the world appears to stop, just to allow the actors one moment to stare around in horror at the scene before the worst happens. One might even get the chance to quote a famous line, ‘It cant get any worse than this,’ ‘Houston, we have a problem’ and such.
That never happens in real life. You don’t get any time. One moment everything is normal, and the next, your in a death spiral. The plane lurched, and the child started laughing again. But it was almost inaudible amongst the noise.
I had never before imagined what a falling plane would sound like. In all the movies, it just sounds like screaming, and blood rushing through your ears. That might be okay. That might be manageable. But the sound I could hear now was not human. It was a tearing, screeching, grinding as if a giant had gripped us and was eating the whole aircraft. It was terrifying. I had never felt the fear in my life; I jumped up, people around me were scrambling nder their seats for life jackets, and one person was already fumbling with the exit door. I raced to help them. All I knew was that if I got off the plane, I would be okay. I tried not to think about the stupid feeling I’d had earlier, but it wasn’t the sceptic mantar I was repeating in my head now. It was my mothers last words to me.
‘I love you baby. Be safe. Call me. Promise.’
I love you baby. Be safe. Call me. Promise.
I put the full force of my weight into it, and finally wrenched open the aircraft door and was hit with a gust of air so cold it was iced. I vaguely heard Shelley’s frantic voice, something about only opening the doors at sea level, something about the altitude. But my mothers voice drowned her out.
I love you baby. Be safe. Call me. Promise.
I love you baby. Be safe. Call me. Promise.
I love you baby. Be safe. Call me. Promise.
I promise.
