Elegy

Hi lilchoma. I'm Conrad.

So, an elegy is generally a generic name for a mournful poem. And, to be honest, this does seem rather generic. The first two stanzas don't seem to be saying much of anything decipherable. The third one at least appears to be trying to describe something, though just what it is attempting to describe is not apparent to me.

I would advise you to rework the first two stanzas so that their meaning is much clearer. You have a good base for something here. It just needs some work.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hello

At first glance, I wrote this off as another piece for the scrap pile, and it probably still is, but there's something about your closing stanza that I enjoyed -- particularly the last three lines. The rest of the poem is unremarkable, a boring list of boring words that pander more toward the intellectual than to the poet.

Consider exploring the use of poetic devices -- such as metaphors, similes, and other imagery evoking techniques. Also, I have come to learn that a valuable aspect of a poem is "story", or the plot of a poem. What you have here is a nimbus of poetry, a watery, cloudy glob that needs to refined with purpose and description. Right now, your topic is too abstract, and therefore, is not easily related to.

As Conrad said, you have a good base -- the last three lines. I really enjoyed those. Otherwise, I suggest beginning anew and give us something we can smell and hear and touch and see.

-Kylan

conrad and kylan,
I generally don't handle criticism very well, but I would like you to know that I'm rather thankful for the critiques you both gave me. I especially appreciate the fact that you didn't just leave it at "this sucks, do better next time", but included some helpful advice for taking what I have and making it better. I'm not sure that I'll be able to transform it into anything more than it is, but I'll certainly try. Thanks for your help :)