Falling Apart /Chapter 1/ (Official)

Chapter 1

“Hey, Rachel.” I heard a voice behind me say. I stiffened and slowly closed the ugly green locker in front of me. I turned around and stared into the bright blue eyes of Ryan Wilkins. The hottest guy at our High School.

“Um…hi?” I said, but it came out as a question.

“Yeah, hey I wanted to talk to you.”

My mind went blank. Ryan, wanted to talk to me? This had to be a dream. “Sure…” I replied and he led me into a dark corner by the gym.

“Rachel…do you want to…go out sometime?” My eyes must have gone wide, because a smile appeared on his face.

“Um…” Oh gosh…what was I supposed to say? The hottest guy in school, whom I had had a crush on for what seemed like forever, was asking me out!

“Rachel?” his voice drove me away from my thoughts.

“Huh?”

“So…do you?”

“Why…would you want to go somewhere with me?” I asked. “I’m not pretty or anyone special.” It was true…I mean…this was the first time of me getting asked out on an actual date, by someone hot! All the other times had been nerds…I shuddered with the memory of my last date.

“Because…” he began and then sighed. I looked at him expectantly.

“Because why?” I questioned.

“Rachel…I think you’d be kind of a fun girl to date. I mean you’re funny and everything, you know?”

“R…Really?” I stuttered, in awe from his amazing blue eyes.

"Of course Rachel.” He placed his comforting hand on my cheek and I froze. This was weird, but I didn’t dare move. I was waiting for his lips to swoop towards mine, but they never did. He just leaned back again and

I tried not to show the disappointment on my face, but he seemed to not notice it. "Let's go," he whispered, putting his hand on my shoulder. I nodded and we walked out of the shadows of our school yard and back inside.

I felt as if I was on air, I could barely keep my feet on the ground. Everyone stared in amazement as they realized that little, nerdy, sophomore, Rachel, was holding hands with super sexy, amazing looking, senior, Ryan.

“So you are up for that date? We can go to dinner and a movie on Friday, if that would work for you.” He smiled before we walked off to our separate classes.

“I’d love to,” I smiled.

I could hear the gasps of jealousy and I stuck my nose in the air to them. Now they couldn't tease me, they couldn't any more. My life was happy now, at least my social life. It almost seemed good enough to cover up my home life...But not quite.

I turned around and stared into the bright blue eyes of Ryan Wilkins. The hottest guy at our High School.

I think this should all be one sentence: "I turned around and stared into the bright blue eyes of Ryan Wilkins, the hottest guy at our High School.

It was true, I mean…this was the first time of me getting asked out on an actual date, by someone hot!

Okay, so the underlined doesn't make sense to me, and I would correct it, but I have no idea what you're trying to say!

All the other times had been nerds…I shuddered with the memory of my last date.

You use "..." to much in your writing. This sentence could be separated by a simple period and be fine. No need for "...," we know what you mean!

"You-you mean it?" I stuttered, being in awe from his amazing blue eyes.

If she is stuttering, it should be separated by a "-" and not a "..."
"Being in awe" is a bit awkward, at least how you said it in this sentence. Can you change it to, maybe, "I stuttered, in awe, from his amazing blue eyes."

I closed my eyes, prepared for what was to come, a small kiss on the cheek was all, though.

Just add that comma after "all"

My life was happy now, at least my social life.

Instead of a comma, insert a semi-colon.

It almost seemed good enough to cover up my home life...But not quite.

AW! So, you left me hanging here, thanks.

I liked this, and I think you have both a touch of unrealistic and realistic in here, which is good. You had a few mistakes, but hopefully you will correct them. (I'm sure I didn't get them all! haha)
You had me hooked to the main character, and I really want to know what is wrong with her home life. I hope the guy isn't just pretending to like her, too. That would make me sad!
I'll be looking for the next part...
~Classy
PS, Wilkins is my ex-boyfriends last name. That made me sick reading it! haha

Honestly, after only a few paragraphs of reading this, I became disinterested in the story. It's very typical, cliche', and unorginal for a romantic story.

Here are some things I picked up onm of the part I did actually read that you should definitely fix:

The hottest guy in our High School.

I'm sure you meant to put a T the end, though you should double check your writings before posting. Also, I find it utterly cliche' to blatantly state a guy being "Hott" in the beginning of a story. Try going with some more unique, and mature adjectives.

Also, "High school" shounldn't be capitalized if it's not the start of a sentence.

“Rachel…do you want to…go out sometime?”

A "..." overload! There is no need to put so many of those in a piece of writing.

Heya Forestqueen. I've seen you around chat, but I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours, so here we go! ^^

Forestqueen808 wrote:Chapter 1

“Hey, Rachel.” I heard a voice behind me say.

"Hey Rachel," I heard a voice behind me say.

Forestqueen808 wrote:I stiffened and slowly closed the ugly green locker in front of me. I turned around and stared into the bright blue eyes of Ryan Wilkins. The hottes guy in our High School.

Firstly, I think you meant to add a 't' to the end of hottest? Also, I don't necessarily think that you should describe Ryan as 'the hottest guy in school'. I understand that our point of view is biased because your MC has a crush on him, but please describe his actual appearance rather then calling him 'hot'.

Also, I'm only a few sentences into this story, and I feel as though I already know what is going to happen. Boy meets girl,boy falls in love with girl, boy marries girl. Why should continue with his story?

“Um…hi?” I said, but it came out as a question.

The second part of this sentence is redundant.

“Yeah, hey I wanted to talk to you.”

Yeah, hey! I wanted to talk to you.

My mind went blank. Ryan, wanted to talk to me?

There shouldn't be a comma after Ryan.

This had to be a dream.

This sentence is incredibly cliched. Seriously, I have read way too many stories where main characters think that they are dreaming when bad things happen to them. I get so sick of it. Besides, the fact of the matter is, in dreams, we never question reality.

“Sure…” I replied and he led me into a dark corner by the gym.

I don't know what it is about this sentence, but it just isn't well written. You could take out the 'and', having 'he' start a new sentence. Even then, it would be very tell-y and kind of flat. You could describe entering the gym, and what your MC is feeling as this is all happening. What time of day is it? Is it after school? Before school? Choose a time and use that to convey the mood of your story.

“Rachel…do you want to…go out sometime?” My eyes must have gone wide, because a smile appeared on his face.

First off, the ellipsis after Rachel should really be a comma. Second, When I read this, I nearly smashed my head against the table. I mean, really? There isn't going to be any conflict in their romance? Where is this story going?

I know you probably have something planned out in your mind, but at this point it isn't clear to the reader. Your readers are impatient people. If Ryan has a dark past, it would almost better if they were already together. In addition, I would describe most stories like this as cute.

You're going to need to definitely work on it. Your grammar needs a ton of work. I do see something in it, but tons of work will be required to achieve a masterpiece.

I do have one piece of advice; be original. That's going to make all he difference in he world.
PM if you have questions.

Hey Forest!
This piece is cute...but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I was interested about it at first, wondering what was gonna happen, but it soon got a bit too...cliche. For a first chapter, it works I guess, but maybe a dark foreshadowing or something. At this point in time, it seems a bit vague. I like it, but it needs something to it.
I know this probably didn't help much, but keep writing, I'm sure it is going somewhere, and you just haven't gotten it out yet.
~Shaard

Hellooooo XD !

It was... okay ! ^^
I just think that he said he loved her, a bit too early. Otherwise its cheesy.
I think you should try to explain more of his feelings. That way the reader will feel more like they're IN the story.
But it was okay :]


Ida Cupatti !

Its amazingly funny and cute. I loved it.
But you shouldn't go into the romance part so early into the story.
Maybe you could have Ryan end up tricking her and embarrassing her, then her one true love comes and swoops her off her feet!